UnNews:Jesus is back
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 13:46:59 (UTC) |
| Jesus is back | 
|
12 April 2009
WASILLA, Alaska -- Today is Easter Sunday, and we remember that Christ died on the cross, hibernated for three days, and rose from the dead, transformed by a wrathful God the Father into Raptor Jesus. For nearly two millenia, Raptor Jesus or "RJ" has risen from the dead every Easter to hunt pagans and Christian apostates.
Former vice-presidantial candidate Sarah Palin attended services at the Church of the Fruit Bat Loony, where evangelical minister Mordecai Moderate-Swelling preached a message of hope and peace for Christians, and some other monotheists. "This year, we pray that Raptor Jesus will return America to small town Americans, real Americans who will praise His Name and spy on their neighbors for security's sake," said the barely-educated but not left behind Reverend Swelling. "We pray, oh Lord, that George Bush be miraculously restored to power for a third term, that government keeps its hand off our guns, and abortion becomes a death penalty offense."
According to Lutheran tradition, Raptor Jesus was hatched for the purpose of eating pagans, and replacing them with Christians. This led to the Boxer Rebellion, and eventually, bunnies.
All over the world, on this, Christianity's holiest day, children will gorge themselves on eggs, chocolate, and sweetened dung beetles. Bunnies will be eaten whole as church bells ring, and all of Christendom will rejoice.
Pagans and Wall Street brokers should probably hide until after midnight, when RJ will return to His almighty hibernation for another year. Doing so will greatly reduce their chances of being eaten.
Sources[edit]
- Armand Chlamydia "Happy Easter, dork". New York Times, April 12, 2009
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | |
| Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all! | Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus |
| Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother | Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus |
| Evil Jesus: Drunken saviour, friend of whores and thieves. | Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware |
| Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! | Your own: Personal Jesus |
| Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! | ¿Qué?: Jesús |
| Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one | Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus |
| The moral superiority of being religious, without the calories: Jesus Lites™ | Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. | Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus |