UnNews:Gianforte gets 2 years for assaulting reporter

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26 May 2017

Gianforte came out of the fateful encounter unscarred.

MISSOULA, Montana -- Republican candidate Greg Gianforte has been found guilty of misdemeanor assault of a news reporter and has been sentenced to two years' hard time in the U.S. Congress.

His Democrat opponent, folk singer Rob Quist, made a last-minute appeal to voters during a debate this month to "go into your car in your garage, start your car, and see what happens there." However, too few Montanans accepted Quist's "challenge" to commit suicide, and consequently Gianforte won the election, 51% to 44%.

In the final week of the campaign, Gianforte "body-slammed" Ben Jacobs, a reporter for London's The Guardian. The successful trolling featured a "flop," Jacobs falling to the floor and repeating, "You broke my glasses!" as Jacobs now has the inside track for the year's Pulitzer Prize for journalism. The Gallatin County Sherriff has cited Gianforte with misdemeanor assault, for which the punishment is an unpleasant two-year sentence in "the big house," dealing with society's most notorious grifters and looters.

This artist's rendition shows what Barack Obama, currently tailing Donald Trump through Europe to troll him, might look like of Gianforte got fifteen seconds with him.

Newcomers to that distant, fearsome institution are referred to as leadership's "bitches." They wear the trousers of their three-piece suits so that the crotches are down around the knees, are "whipped" to vote the way leadership demands, and are required to give their voters ridiculous excuses when a party sent to Washington to repeal Obama-care switches the mandate to "repeal and replace" and can't even agree on that.

Montana has only a single Congressman, because it was nearly unoccupied even before Quist's call for mass suicides. Montana might have multiple Congressmen if, say, London were in the state. But it is not; only a Guardian news bureau. Montana does not even deserve one Congressman, but the Constitution oddly contains no provision by which it might be doubled up with nearby Wyoming and share a single representative. The special election was to replace Ryan Zinke, whom Donald Trump picked as his Secretary of Horseback Riding.

Giddy supporters at a victory rally dismissed the assault charge — one telling CNN that Gianforte had been "set up" — and were eager for Gianforte to take the same "muscular" style to his new assignment. Karen Screnar, a Republican voter who had driven across Montana's three time zones to avail herself of the open bar at the rally, said that if Gianforte gets guff from Speaker Paul Ryan, he should "just drop him." Others in the crowd suggested that doddering Nancy Pelosi would be especially susceptible to a Gianforte body-slam, and maybe a Figure-Four Leg-Lock.

President Donald Trump, encouraged by the by-election win during his tour of Europe, shoved a NATO diplomat extra hard and gave French President Emmanuel Macron a "white-knuckle handshake," though he did not succeed in breaking any of his fingers.