UnNews:Coulter narrowly beats O'Reilly, Limbaugh for hottest conservative

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6 March 2007

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Ann Coulter in humanoid form.

DALLAS/FORT WORTH, Texas -- A local Dallas satanic cult and insurance brokerage, His Masters Glory of Eternal Fire, Theft and Auto, has announced that Ann Coulter was voted by their members as most likely to lead neo-conservatives to damnation, while Hillary Clinton, for the tenth year running has retained that same distinction for the Democrats.

Satanic Head Priest and Lead broker, Rufus Smiles, had this to say, "While mutilating my arms for the glory of the coming dark lord, I received a message from one of his infernal demons. They made it clear, that it was time to, again poll our master's congregation for whom they'd desire to lead us to our eternal suffering... and remind those behind on their premiums to pay up, sheep's blood and industrial music don't come cheaply."

Priest Smiles elaborated on why Coulter and Clinton lead the hell bound charge for their respective parties, "Hillary has a tormented following that few ever reach. Not only is she one of the most detested women on the planet, but she aggressively hates back, sometimes doubly so. She has created a vast synergy of loathing, that frankly gives me a chubby. Coulter is the up and comer, while she doesn't garner the hostility yet of Clinton, she more than makes up for it in her pure unbridled lust in her resentment of others. Trust me as a satanist, that's hot!"

While Clinton dominates the Democratic side of the damned, Evil Cleric Smiles claims that Coulter faced some heinous competition in the ghoulish forms of Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh for the neo-cons, "The neo-conservative race was by far tighter. However, O'Reilly is considered by most in the satanic community to be 'vile-lite'. He targets lightweights like Canada and Michael Moore with his disgust, I mean Canada for fucking Anti-Christ sakes. That's like God damning puppies for peeing on the carpet."

The satanic unholy man had more respect for Limbaugh, "Yeah, Rush had a definite resurgence this year. Making fun of an 80's sitcom star with a terminal disease, that was deliciously distasteful. He got some strong nefarious points there."

See also[edit]

UnNews:Overly political spider becoming annoying


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.