UnNews:Church tells parents to euthanize goths

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07 September 2015

God says that, if you send these kids to oblivion, your Christianitory rights will not be affected

CANTERBURY, England -- The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has encouraged parents of goths and emos to end their offsprings' dark, Satanic lives, in order to protect the “value” of the Church and prevent unnecessary worry about violation of their Apostolic Christian beliefs.

In an announcement today, Welby, the head of the Church of England, said goths and emos are damaging the Church’s place in a capitalist society. He also said that Christian parents of gothic children feel like they have become a burden to religion, as they try to over-egg Christianity to bring balance to their enforced nurture of the dark tormented souls that would be better dwelling in the fires of Hell, rather than hanging around a graveyard drinking Strongbow in a leafy suburb of Colchester.

The Oxford Dictionary describes a goth as: “A member of a subculture favouring black clothing, white and black makeup, and goth music.” However, Welby raises the wooden stakes (and sharpens them) by outlining the Gothic suburban subculture as the “Spawn Point of Residential Evil”.

Welby described the clusters of moody teens as “the overturned shopping trolleys and burning car tyres of the devil’s own garden”. However, the Archbishop was quick to add that he is not trying to advance religious viewpoints or micromanage Christians' lives...except, of course, the usual reminders that they must have those unplanned children, they must worship daily, live like the meek, and donate their money to good causes...and not forgetting that they must also wait for God to tell them to die, regardless of whether they are as incoherent and incontinent as a rain cloud.

When it comes to teen goths and emos, it seems God is more open-minded about abortion and euthanasia. The Church of England claim the recent approval to end the lives of gothic teenagers could rid the world of evil within a generation. “It is not only that they choose to listen to The Damned and look like demons,” said Welby, “they scare people away from our property. Our research has also found that between 5% and 7% of goths and emos have evil thoughts sometimes.

“More to the point, they are damaging church attendance numbers and lowering the market value, which is important when Barratt Homes want to turn a place of worship into fashionable flats for marketing executives. It’s like finding your perfect three-bed semi, but on visiting with the estate agent, you discover the neighbor has a huge gypsy caravan on the drive, a toothless crone wailing at the sun on the doorstep, and three stinking cart horses grazing on the front lawn.

“Sadly, no teenager is going to change his sub-culture,” Welby continued, “I am the first to admit the church fails to connect with teenagers and children (at least beyond the choirboys) but the Bible does say we must rid the world of evil, especially the type of evil that can lower the commercial value of Our Lord’s ecclesiastical investment.”