UnNews:Celebrity humps "worldwide" breastfeeding law

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3 August 2010

It's official--Want to look this good? Just get your tits out!

FOXBORO, Massachusetts -- Gisele Bundchen told Harper's Bazaar magazine that she favors a "worldwide law" making breastfeeding compulsory. The supermodel wife of football quarterback Tom Brady said, "Breastfeeding really helped" her keep her slim figure, discounting the effect of starvation diets, bulimia, and bedroom sports with her athlete husband.

In the American political system, citizens who have become celebrities, and probably will never have to do anything for themselves, are looked to for tips on how everyone else should be forced to do things. This began when actress Meryl Streep gave expert testimony to Congress on scary chemicals in apple farming, and continues as Michelle Obama lectures the nation to live a Stoic life without grease or gasoline, while she has international hotels and Broadway shut down so she and The Girls can see a show.

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Breast milk surprise found in health-care law

Ms. Bundchen asked, "Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?" This despite the fact that the only chemical found in infants' bloodstreams is hydrogen oxide, which is not harmful at those doses, as shown by the fact that trial lawyers still chase ambulances. The decades-old campaign against formula is based on the belief that every dollar wrung out of Nestlé Corporation will instantly appear in a poor person's pocket. To date, the only effect has been to force young working mothers in Africa to leave work to breastfeed.

Fortunately, there is not yet any "worldwide law" nor worldwide law enforcement. Ms. Bundchen did not specify how world police would find mothers who refuse to breastfeed, nor what they would do about it. Comparably, Republicans who want to overturn the Supreme Court and make abortion illegal have never specified how they would locate all those fetuses who would become "persons" meriting legal protection.

Ms. Bundchen admitted that she breastfed young Benjamin for only three weeks, far below the six months she wants the United Nations to enforce, casting doubt on her entire "It helped my figure" con. A "worldwide law" mandating hypocrisy for celebrities? Consider it already enacted.

Updated, 5 August 2010

Ms. Bundchen, who evidently has taken ridicule not just from UnNews but from less reliable news outlets, has repudiated every quote in the above story--as well as her snippy criticism of other American women who "don't feel they have to breastfeed." Everything except the assertion that three weeks of breastfeeding was the key to her skinny figure. No, seriously.