UnNews:Biden lowers gas prices

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 06:03:59 (UTC)

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30 November 2021

At this gingerbread gas station in the East Room of the White House, if you squint, you can see that high-test sells for $5.999/10.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President Joe Biden has finally found a way to lower gasoline prices.

The price at the pump, which was under $2.00/gallon in the days that CNN refers to as the Before Time, is averaging around $3.60 now. However, cancelling pipelines, cancelling oil-leasing contracts, drafting tighter pollution regulations on fracking, and having Congress advance steep new taxes on investing, have not made handy Priuses spring up inside Americans' garages.

This month, when Biden's poll numbers dropped even below those of all three of his predecessors, Biden announced the drawdown from the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Unfortunately, everyone except Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm knew how much petroleum the nation uses every day and that the move would supply less than three days' supply of the black gold.

Moreover, the Strategic Reserve, despite being Strategic, is full of high-sulfur petroleum that no one in America really wants to refine anyway. The strategy was to be able to go to war in Arabia without begging the Arabs for oil with which to do it (but merely to beg them to refine ours). So, rather than send the supply to refiners to reduce the price at America's pumps, the oil went to Staunch Ally Red China to reduce theirs.

No animals were harmed in the creation of this UnNews article.

However, now Biden has solved the problem, sending NIAID Director Dr. Anthony Fauci onto the Sunday talk shows to remind viewers of the unknowns of the Omnicron [sic] variant of the Coronavirus, and to stress that all countermeasures are still on the table. This includes the lockdowns, decisions on which life activities are "essential," face masks, one-way supermarket aisles, and voting without personal contact, that made ex-President Donald Trump's voters dry up. Octogenarian Fauci succeeded in convincing the audience that he still had his "game shoes" on and could administer as much pain and misery as Trump let him do during Coronavirus Classic. However, emboldened by Fauci's recent experiments on beagles, Lara Logan of Fox News has accused Fauci of incipient Mengele-mania.

Biden got the first licks in, with bans on arriving commercial flights from 9 southern African countries, delayed until after the weekend to give the pesky virus a sporting head start. Trump, reportedly sipping Diet Coke at MAGA-Lago, did not accuse Biden of anti-black prejudice, as occurred when the tables were turned.

The Chief Executive begs the Almighty for holiday absolution from pricey fill-ups.

Pharmaceutical company Moderna has warned the President that Omnicron differs so much from the old virus that it might take 100 days to develop a new vaccine. The "Fauci Way" would be for Americans to shelter in the basement "for just 100 days," wearing masks and refusing to look at relatives except through plexiglass barriers, wait for government delivery of sealed M-rations, then line up and go to vaccine centers to be concoct-ulated, pending work to determine how long this one is good for, if at all.

Immediately, the price of oil on the world market has tanked — and despite Secretary Granholm's assertion that one would need a "magic wand" to do so. The White House distributed a mural displaying the dramatic two-cent price drop. Also dropping as if turned to heavy metal are the Dow Jones Industrials, Treasury bonds, holiday travel plans, and supplies of paper goods at Walmart.

If this American Midas were to catch the Omnicron, as his predecessor caught the original bug, the President would suffer the symptoms reported by practitioners in South Africa. These include muscle aches and tiredness for two days. Presumably, the White House Press Corpse would call two consecutive "lids" advising reporters not to show up but to go play golf, it would all be over, and America would finally have two good days in a row under his leadership.