UnNews:Beck denies charges of compassion and humanity

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9 July 2014

Beck crying over allegations that he is a compassionate humanitarian.

McALLEN, Texas -- A frustrated Glenn Beck stammered to explain himself to television cameras this morning.

"Folks, let's not get ahead of ourselves, here," Beck muttered through slurred words and tears.

He composed himself and then continued, "Yes, I'm bringing teddy bears to these innocent migrant children. But that doesn't mean I'm compassionate. I just wanted to artificially raise the stock prices of Build-A-Bear workshops."

Kathleen Brennan of KXTV in San Antonio, Texas asked Beck, "But what about the soccer balls?"

"Soccer is a good sport for them. We don't want them playing with a football or a baseball, or we'll be outsourcing our NFL and MLB jobs to migrant workers in 20 years," Beck explained.

"But Mr. Beck, what about the meals?" chimed in Roger Sartorius from WBXL in Austin.

Beck shot back at the disturbing allegations, "It's McDonald's. I promise! I swear! I'm trying to feed them the worst stuff possible so they can't possibly have a good future of being competitive with American workers. These allegations are just preposterous!"

Brennan gave the ultimate response to him: "Glenn — may I call you Glenn? — The truth seems to be that you are caring for these kids in a world that doesn't care about them. You are providing them fun things to do, a stuffed animal to hug while their parents are nowhere to be found, and food to nourish them in their dark times."

Beck screamed into the microphone, "All right, that's it — press conference is over," and then stormed off of the stage.

Later, on his radio show, Beck posited that the only way to end these allegations against him is "to shoot those saying it in the face."