UnBooks:The Legend of Ron and the Cheeseburger
Chapter 1: Ron & the Toilet Paper
On July 1, 1899, Ron was born in the city of Princeton in the state of New Jersey. His parents were of Scottish origin & made their living selling orphans to support their opium addiction. As Ron grew up, he realized that he was different from the other children in the city. Doctors had diagnosed him with chronic IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) which would prevent him from enjoying the finest foods for the rest of his life. Survival depended upon large amounts of PediaSure®, peppermint tea, and Lotronex. Despite his handicap, Ron turned out to be an extraordinary young scholar. He studied at some of the finest schools in the world. A few include Oxford, Harvard, Princeton, & Yale where he became a member of the secret society known as Skull & Bones. He was taking his bi-hourly shit when he noticed a secret message that was written on the toilet paper. It was a map to a Cambodian temple known as Angkor Wat. The rest of the roll told of a legendary cheeseburger that was the cure to chronic IBS. The Cambodians had long suffered from this dreadful syndrome since the dawn of time. The Cheezeburger was in a secret compartment located in the high priest's lavatory. The priest was Hindu and a closet cannibal. He would kill his reincarnated relatives to create the ultimate two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun®. Ron was in a bind. All the instructions had taken up the rest of the toilet paper. He did what any man of Scottish blood would do. He wiped with his hand and set forth to the orphanage.
Chapter 2: Ron & the Concentration Camps
Ron decided to go home to visit his parents. To his disbelief, they had changed the locks on the door. They also pinned a disturbing note on the door saying, "Dear Ron, We hate you. Love, Mum & Pop". He knew he had to get inside. An orphan boy was steadily approaching to get a nice warm meal. Ron jumped into action. He crept into an alleyway to prepare for the attack. Without a sound, he grabbed the boy from the street. Ron took off the boy's tattered clothes and was sodomized for doing so. They exchanged cell phone numbers and parted ways. His parents heard the commotion and took in the newly orphaned Ron to get ready for the train ride to Charles Walgreen's concentration camp in Chicago, Illinois. Ron was traded for 57 grams (2.011 ounces) of opium. Charles was a ruthless villain & the Methamphetamine Kingpin. After weeks of having his way with Ron, he put Ron on a train to Cambodia to obtain some more generic Sudafed®.
Chapter 3: Ron & the Douc Monkeys
When Ron arrived in Cambodia, he was not a welcomed visitor. He had fierce battles with the native animals. He was sodomized by a gang of douc monkeys and salad was tossed by a rhinoceros. After many assaults and exchange of cell phone numbers, Ron finally arrived at the sacred temple of Angkor Wat, but he forgot one thing. He did not make reservations and was asked to leave. Sadden and without an ounce (gram) of hope, he made his way back to the monkey's house for the rave and ecstasy induced orgies. Together, they inspired a plan to break into the temple and obtain the sacred cheezeburger.
Chapter 4: Ron versus the Golgothan
The only way to sneak into the temple was to enter through the sewage system. The chief douc monkey volunteered for the grueling task. With the support of his wife and second cousin, the chief created the biggest goatse that the country had ever seen. Ron grabbed some supplies; a pickax, a lantern, some peppermint sticks, a whip, and his musical Jigglypuff keychain. He crawled what seemed like a 1,000 kilometers (621.4 miles) up his arse. The chief sat on his throne for 2 hours then finally shat out Ron into a tunnel of fecal matter and golden showers... but he wasn't alone. The ancient demon known as the Golgothan (you can call him Noman) was blocking the path to the high priest's fanny pad. Noman was in no mood to shoot the shit with Ron but he had no choice. The Golgathan fired a volley of crap cakes, which sent Ron running for his life. Ron hid behind a pile of used condoms for protection. He ingested the fiber wafers for the counterattack. His stomach started to churn, then bubble, then the pain that is IBS took hold of every bit of his soul. A raging fire had developed in his arse that could not be contained any longer. Ron jumped out from behind the mountain of dead generations, dropped trow, grabbed his ankles, and shot the chief douc monkey out his anus. To say the least, Ron was baffled. The chief wrestled with Koman for a minute but was defeated. Jigglypuff was their only hope. Ron squeezed the keychain to activate the sound and shoved it into the Golgothan’s ear. Koman fell asleep instantly. The douc monkey chief was on the verge of death so he had to explain things quickly. The goatse is how the universe was created. To create a goatse is to open the universe. The universe lies within us all. And then he died.
Chapter 5: Ron & the Cheeseburger
Heavy hearted, Ron continued on his journey down the dark, desolate tunnel. He was very near to the pipelines to the high priest's toilet when he came to a dead end. It had turned out that a septic tank had been installed and the pipes were clamped shut. Ron took out his pickax and started chipping away at the tank's wall. He discovered that the shit buildup had hardened after centuries of neglect. Hadn't they ever heard of Rid-X? The pickax got through about half a meter (1.6404199583333332 feet) when the crap crust broke and awoken an ancient horror from its sleep. The High Priest had encased himself in the septic tank to guard the mystical cheeseburger. His cannibalism had transformed him into a bull/human hybrid. Ron took out his whip and gave the High Priest several good lashings. The High Priest was not amused. He told Ron that all he had to do was ask politely for the cheeseburger. Puzzled, Ron kicked him in the balls, took the cheeseburger, and left the sewage system. He ate the cheeseburger in memory of the douc monkey chief. He never suffered from IBS again.