UnBooks:Master Baiter's Sportfishing and Tackle's Official Policy Regarding Workplace Harassment and Discriminatory Practices by the Employee Base for New Employees
Thank you for reading Master Baiter's Sportfishing and Tackle's Official Policy Regarding Workplace Harassment and Discriminatory Practices by the Employee Base for New Employees. This pamphlet was designed to inform you, the new and highly valued employee of our company, of the dos, don'ts, and don't-get-caught-doing-those-don'ts of this company regarding workplace harassment and discrimination.
"What are workplace harassment and discrimination?" you ask? Well I'm glad you asked that! Simply put, workplace harassment and discrimination are harassment and discrimination that occur in a workplace. These acts fall into many categories such as sexual harassment, verbal harassment, racial discrimination, and tire slashing. While they are all different, they are all illegal.
The most important thing to remember about a workplace is that everyone you work with probably has genitalia in some form or another. Some have larger genitalia, some have smaller genitalia. Some have hairy genitalia, some have barren genitalia. Some just "mow the lawn", while others "scorch the earth". Asking about an employee's genitalia, making references about the Greg the cashier's odd-looking foreskin, and saying things such as "her nipples look like my 5th grade science project, minus the baking soda and vinegar" are not acceptable in the workplace.
In the media, our company has been accused of not providing equal pay to our female employees. An understanding of why we do this is necessary. We understand that Jen the stocker has a very nice chest. This is why we pay her less. Women could make as much money as men doing the same job if they didn't cost the company money by forcing male workers to spend company time oogling their goodies, which is unavoidable and understandable in Jen's case. Her tits are just so perky and delectable that the unnecessary attention she often complains about needs to be taken out of her paycheck so as to not lessen company productivity. Think of it as a tit tax. Just because we pay our female employees less does not mean that it is acceptable to make sexist comments in the workplace or attach a dollar bill to a fishing rod hook and subsequently dangle it in front of a female employee uttering, "''Get the dollar I make more than you in four hours of work you dirty girl! Get it!"
Our company is also tolerant of filthy queers and attractive lesbians. Due to a recent law passed which includes sexual preference as a criteria for hate crimes, we are now legally obligated to protect homos from discrimination. Company policy dictates that lesbian employees must be given nametags with a male name, and gay employees must be given nametags with female names so as to curb discrimination. Gay male employees will be charged the respective tit tax for forcing male employees to oogle their goodies.
Verbal abuse will also not be tolerated. Referring to employees by any other moniker other than their designated name, especially with hurtful obscenities, is unforgivable and will result in an immediate, yet delicate, slap on the wrist. Obscenities are words or terms like "asshole", "grade A dick eater", and "sassafras". Keep in mind that verbal abuse may not always be obscenities. Purposeless yelling and threats against your person or dog also constitute verbal abuse. In other words, yelling to another employee "No you don't have to ask them for their fishing license before selling them a tacklebox, you horsecock! This isn't a bar or tobacco shop!" or stopping them in an isolated area of the store and uttering, "You have no chance to survive make your time." are highly inappropriate.
If somebody harangues you because you accidentally brought your shotgun to work and threatened to end everyone after somebody slashed your tires, or because you accidentally dropped all of the contents of the cash register into your pockets, then you have the right to report the incident.
Our company supports affirmative action. As a result, you will work with individuals from a variety of diverse races and ethnic backgrounds. In fact, blacks, Hispanics, Filipinos, Brazilians, and Laotians make up approximately 0.5% of our employee base.
Racial discrimination will obviously not be tolerated. All minorities are to be treated with respect regardless of their smell or your ignorant, hick, white trash, inbred family upbringing. Company suggestions for dealing with minority employees include attempting to talk in their familiar vernacular so as to ease communication (Ebonics and broken English are usually sufficient), yelling loudly at them if they didn't understand you the first time you say something, and simplifying the English language for them ("Me. George. You. Geraldo.").
Discriminating against another employee because of their body mass index, height, or odd number of limbs is not tolerated. We understand that our employees are not the most attractive, and intentionally so (this is probably why you were hired). Our company policy dictates that employees must be as unattractive as possible so as to deter sexual harassment in the workplace. Unfortunately, this hasn't worked out very well as we keep hiring really hot chicks who don't know anything about fishing, and guys that, on average, look a lot like Hugh Jackman in a speedo.
Somebody slashed my car tires the other day. I called the police and they asked if I had any disgruntled employees or customers recently. Of course, all our employees and customers are disgruntled. However, this does NOT mean that anyone should ever slash my tires because the lure we sold them was actually a ceramic corndog. I could have died, and I would have if I didn't happen to notice that one of my tires had a circular saw still embedded in its rubber. That should be attempted murder or something. As a result of this incident, we are installing security cameras in the employee parking lot. They won't record anything, but people will stop and think, "Oh there's a security camera. I better not circumcise his tires today. Maybe I'll follow him to his home to do it where he has a shotgun." Yes, I have a shotgun.
What to do
If you feel you are ever harassed or discriminated against, there are appropriate actions to take. You may inform the boss of the incident and something will probably happen or something. If action is not taken, you are thereby required to inform us if you intend to sue at any time; this will determine the extent to which your case is investigated by the company.
Most cases of harassment or discrimination can be addressed by you yourself without incident. All it takes is some tact, passivity, and tolerance. Remember, we promote a tolerant work environment. Below are some examples of situations that may occur and some ideas on how to handle the situations appropriately.
|Situation||What not to say/do||What to say/do|
|An employee says: "Rita has a nice ass."||
|Your boss says he will only promote you if you fellate him||
|You find that somebody wrote "niggers must die" on the bathroom wall||
|An employee says she likes her coffee like she likes her men: strong and black||
|A Filipina lesbian employee asks to suck your toes||
|Somebody slashes your tires||
Dealing with customers
We will never hold the customer accountable for any discrimination or harassment against our employees. We value the customer's opinion so highly that we assume any incident of customer insanity is the fault of an incompetent employee. It is always best to do whatever the customer says to avoid being harassed or discriminated against by an unhappy customer, except if they ask for a refund. Never back down, never show fear, and never admit that the net you sold them is actually a frayed, used hammock.
If an employee calls you a dirty Greek or toothless whore because of your incompetence or reputation as a toothless whore, immediately assure them that they are welcome to buy another excellent product if the one they were duped into buying
was a piece of crap wasn't working for them and their needs. Make sure to smile a lot and say pleasant things about their attire.
If an employee claims that they have been discriminated against for any reason at all, ask them if they could potentially, in the foreseeable future, sue whatsoever or slander the company's good name. If so, run in panic whilst flailing your arms into the air yelling, "Bees! Oh my god, bees everywhere!" If they say they will not, refer to the above paragraph.
In conclusion, our company wants you to feel safe and secure as one of our valued employees. Sexual harassment is a big no-no, and you have the right – wait! Is that my car alarm going off?! Piss!