Pegasus-Unicorn War
“Now my Pegasus flies over and strikes your Unicorn with its hooves!”
~ Devil on the Pegasus versus Unicorn War
“My Unicorn dodges!”
~ God on Devil's Pegasus attack
“It can't do that! It is too slow!”
~ Devil on God's reaction
“Yes, it can!”
~ God on Devil's retort
“Pegasi are better anyway.”
~ Devil on not knowing what to say
“No they aren't.”
~ God on Devil's remark
“YES THEY ARE, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!”
~ Devil on being a drama queen
In the beginning, there were two. And they were bored, and it was raining. Tedium reigned supreme.
On the first day, One proclaimed to Two: “Pretend I was God and you was Devil,” for playful arguments are good for development. But Two rather wanted to be God. After a bit of to-and-fro, One finally succeeded to convince Two One decided that Devil was a lot cooler, anyway. And so began an epic conflict that would span hours.
The Pegasus versus Unicorn War is a long-running dispute as to whether a Pegasus is superior to an Unicorn, or vice versa. The war started shortly after the Creation, and has been going on for several days. It has so far cost the lives of countless Unicorns and Pegasi, as well as countless people's sanity.
All about Pegasi and unicorns!![edit]
Unicorns are those little plastic toys that schoolgirls play with in the middle of the night. They kind of look like ponies, except they have horns and can leap tall buildings in a single hop, like Spidey.
Some varieties can shoot sigma-laser beams out of their eyes, and a famous character in the Corridor In Front Of Mommy And Daddy's Bedroom scene is noted for having fought Maeve, the house cat, in the great Kinder Surprise Aircraft Battle, which was supervised by an evil overlord named Lord Black War Dragon, also known as Tommy.
Unfortunately, he later requested the return of his aircraft, along with all small parts and with the Hot Pink nail varnish removed. Both warring parties considered this request most impolite, and a large number of parts remain secreted to this day in various parts of God's bedroom. A few may also be in that of the Devil, however she has forgotten where she put them and is keeping damn quiet about it.
Pegasi are only notably different from Unicorns insofar as they lack the large diamond-hard horn, but are equipped with feathery wings instead. It is also widely known that Pegasi are related to cacti and can use their special thorn powers to battle with Conan and Happy Meal Fury Commander who have both been kicked in their plastic butts when trying to steal Pony Farm Barbie's saddles.
It's also imporatant to note that the Hippogriff is in no way a ripoff of the pegasus.
Genesis and Exodus[edit]
Genesis[edit]
The Great War appears to have its origins in the creation of the Pegasus, the idea for which was first germinated during a long sleepover. A large quantity of Ribena and sherbet was consumed, resulting in mass hyperactivity and an excess of giggling. During a short argument between God and Her bezzie friend Emmie, She accidentally threw Her Home Choco-Fondue Set into Her Barbie™ Lip Gloss, creating the base chemical for the Pegasus. God saw that the Pegasus was Good.
A few days later, God and Her buddies had been doing coke all day long. Again, God accidentally combined Her Happy Hippo Potion with Her Singing Star Karaoke set; leading, for reasons uncertain, to the creation of the Unicorn. God did not see that the Unicorn was Good, because Lizzie had thrown Bratz™ Pixie Dust in Samantha's eyes and she was crying.
Even more, God was convinced that the Unicorn was far superior to the Pegasus She had created a few days before, due to the obvious superiority of Coke to Sherbet. Of course, the Devil immmediately took counterparty, claiming that Pegasi were far superior to Unicorns. This disagreement is considered by parents to have been the original spark of the Unicorn-Pegasus War.
Exodus[edit]
God's 'holier-than-thou' attitude, however, did not last long. Irritated by Devil's constant taunting, She finally snapped and challenged Devil to a battle to end them all
What is going on in there?
Are you two fighting?
Correction: Unfortunately, the battle was interrupted by an unexpected influx of prayers from God's subordinates. God was reminded of Her promise to the human race and cancelled the competition.
Devil, of course was infuriated. She packed her clothes, her rubber trident and tail, her beginner's hellfire set, her Unholy Picture Bible, Her walruses (note the capital H), her teddy bears and her negligée, and unceremoniously departed from Heaven, followed by her tributaries. Oh, and she took her Pony Farm Barbie, Pony Farm, and Barbie with her too.
Leviticus[edit]
God, upon noticing the loss of Her walruses (not to mention Pony Farm Barbie, who was shared) was furious. Aware that Unicorns are indeed far superior to Pegasi, She decided to extend their advantage even further, to spite Devil.
She originally intended to equip them with pop corn cobs. Her councillors, seeing that God was... shall we say, not in the best of states to decide, talked Her into changing the concept to extendable, diamond-hard My Little Pony™ horns. God, however, insisted on the perpetuation of the name.
Devil, in the meantime, had not been lazy, either. Pondering a way to diminish the Unicorns' advantage, or better, to outrun them, she did not rest until she found a solution. She tried having them ride giant teddy bears, but the Pegasi, lacking extremities to hold tight, dissuaded her from that idea. Devil's The stolen display of angel wings finally gave her the idea for the Pegasi's final revision. Note that, although it was where Devil took the idea from, Pegasus wings are not made of the same substance as angel wings, Pegasi being a home creation and thus consisting of materials from the bathroom cupboard.
When God challenged Devil once again to a Unicorn versus Pegasus arena battle, Devil accepted, being aware that the ability to fly was a great improvement on the Pegasus. And so they met again, and elected a purple-haired troll as referee to supervise the battle (although he was knocked off balance when that giant stuffed cow trampled the stands).
Not only did the referee notice that the Unicorns were heavily doped with Kool Aid and sherbet, but also that the Pegasi had wings. After a while, he also noticed that the Unicorns were horny, Devil's fly was open, and, finally, that the Pegasi had been huffing plastic Animal Hospital™ kittens all day (which, by sheer coincidence, is the very thing God had been doing every time you masturbated).
You see! Not only are you killing kittens, you're polluting the minds of small children. Disgusting. Stop that right now.
Having detected attempts to cheat on both sides, he disqualified both parties and designated the Lord Black War Dragon to be the most powerful toy beast instead. God and Devil couldn't help but agree.
Numbers[edit]
The so-called Book of Numbers is a very short chapter in the history of the Pegasus versus Unicorn War. It mainly consists of God and Devil agreeing to take the number of those able to bear arms (or stolen Lego Star Wars Laser Swords, for that matter)— of all the men non-denominational horselike beings in the respective parties, and to appoint princes princesses over each tribe. And Barbie dolls count, too! And giant cows! And rhinocerouses! And teddy bears! No, teddy bears don't.
Why not?
Just because.
Of course, Devil's party turned out to be a lot larger, because Pegasi are indeed far superior to Unicorns, but also because of Devil's much more liberal views concerning the consumption of animal flesh, sexuality, homosexuality, slavery, necromancy, sins, the feeding of ducks, sexuality, heavy breathing and approaching closer than 40 furlongs to a female of any mammalian species.
Deuteronomy[edit]
After the Counting, a long phase of to-and-fro started. This phase was mainly dominated by various skirmishes, assassinations of vital party members, and so on. Numerous attempts at leader assassination were made on both sides, though (much to the relief of, to be honest, all involved) none ever came to fruition.
Countless deaths of Her stuffed sheep finally persuaded God to put paid to the war. It being common knowledge by now that Unicorns were indeed far superior to Pegasi, She called another battle to finally settle the dispute. Devil agreed, having something up her sleeve. And so they met again, and (having decided that trolls were far too lenient) elected Lord Black War Dragon as referee to supervise the battle.
This time, the referee noticed (among a bunch of useless facts, such as his "missing" aircraft stuffed into the top of a Pet Rescue Centre™) that several Pegasi were in fact disguised bunnies, mice and ponies with stolen angel wings glued to their backs. After a while, he also noticed (among a bunch of useless people, such as a batallion of Hyper War Action soldiers lurking around looking embarrassed) that several Unicorns were in fact disguised squirrels, kitties and, in one case, sticks of lip gloss with corn cobs glued to their heads.
Again having detected attempts to cheat, he disqualified both parties and designated the Action Man to be the second most powerful beast instead. As they were on agreeing terms already, they signed a ceasefire
Yes you did.
Yes, you did, it's here, see?
Let go- OW!! MUU-UUUUUM!!!!!
Joshua (Epilogue)[edit]
There had been a Hyper War Task Force monitoring the Pegasus versus Unicorn War on Lord Black War Dragon's order, hoping to overcome both combatants when they were weakened through sugar-deprivation, and shortly after the last washed-up attempt at peace, Lord Black War Dragon decided it was time to strike.
Quickly, an elite army of black dragons, gryphons, tanks, robots and Hyper War Action soldiers was set up. When they carefully poured into the area, everything was completely silent, and the giant stuffed cow was fast asleep. Some Hyper War Action snipers took advantage of this fact and located themselves on its head.
The army then kicked Lord Black War Dragon out, and from that point on all hope was lost for civilisation.
Using stealth footwear, they quickly succeeded in razing to the ground the segregatory walls protecting Pegasi and Unicorns. A lot of Pegasi, Unicorns, ponies, rhinoceroses, rainbow stacker rings and Pony Saddles were dragged off and dungeoned on that gruesome day. Sleeping deities were transferred without mercy back to their bedrooms, accomplices to the infamous Cupboard Under the Stairs; in short, war crimes were rife.
God and the Devil are currently imprisoned in their respective domains, confined in horrifying conditions by the evil warlords. Sweet substances are prohibited (although both parties appear to have found a way round this one) as well as any contact with friends (this one too).
Campaigns for their release are underway, although escape does not look likely in the near future.
Sign the petition now! meow