PZ Myers

      This article is about PZ Myers. For his true form, see satan

Paul Zachary "PZ" Myers
Myers, seen here, contemplating
Date of birth:	March 9, 1957 (1957-03-09)

“	In science, we scream a lot. (Mostly to cover up the sound of babies being eaten.)	”
	— PZ Myers

“	A mendacious intellectual pornographer who didn't even go to my high school, as I mentioned to David Axelrod at our last class reunion. And he wouldn't even buy me a Leica rangefinder. He's going to lose friends on Facebook for this. Incidentally, did I ever tell you about my high school?	”
	— John Kwok on PZ Myers

Paul Zachary "PZ" Myers (born March 9, 1957) is a lawful evil atheist, associate professor of biology at the University of Minnesota Morris and the author of the science blog Pharyngula.He is also the bastard lovechild of Satan and Charles Darwin after one too many drinks. An avid critic of the Intelligent Design movement, he became moderately popular on the internet after making his blog, Pharyngula. Named after the sound atheists make when they consume infants, Pharyngula is Myers's corner of the internet where he rambles about such interesting subjects as the effect of retroviruses in the formation of RNA on Earth, and the mating habits of cephalopods. The latter is often accompanied by graphic images of nubile young squid.

Though he has revolutionized his field of evolutionary development biology (including his recent discovery of Receptor Tyrosine Kinases in protists! Who knew?), he is mostly only known for his atheism. He currently resides in his basement, furiously typing his militant atheist words on his infant-blood-stained laptop he stole. Because atheists steal laptops.

He absolutely does not look like a teddy bear.

Early life

PZ Myers was the rebellious type during his younger years.

Myers was born on March 9, 1957, in Kent, Washington. He claims to have been a "science geek" from an early age. In 1968, a landmark event occurred in young Paul Zachary's life when he saw a picture of a squid for the first time in National Geographic. He recounts wistfully "It was then that I knew I had to be a biologist. It was the only socially acceptable way I could get to see more naked cephalopods." Myers' obsession with unclothed marine wildlife continues, as evidenced by many of the images on his blog.

During college, Myers won many accolades for his groundbreaking thesis, "A Study in the Reproductive Habits of Cephalopods," produced after years of careful observation. Due to its extensive level of detail and vivid illustrations, it remains one of the seminal texts on the subject and has been widely acclaimed by scientists and squid enthusiasts alike.

After graduating from college, he went back to teach as a professor, due to the College's squid aquarium. His infatuation with all things cephalopod-like continues to affect all his life decisions.

"Crackergate"

The cause of most Catholic controversies.

In 2007, Myers attracted some controversy when he stuck a rusty nail through a Catholic communion wafer, in protest against the Catholic Church's beliefs about science, gays and abortion. While Myers initially saw much support for his campaign, some of his followers became disillusioned after he escalated it into a deranged crusade in which he devoured over 9,000 Catholic babies. The President of the Catholic League, Bill Donohue, said "This desecration of the Holy Flesh of Our Lord Jesus Christ is a hate crime against Catholics everywhere and the most vile and indefensible blasphemy. This is just more evidence of the systematic atheist secular conspiracy to undermine America's Christian heritage and traditional values." When asked for a comment on the alleged dead babies, Donohue paused, looked confused and said "Oh yeah... well, never mind. We normally stop worrying about them after they're born. As long as they were all baptised first."

Intelligent design

Myers is a prominent critic of intelligent design. He is the arch-nemesis of Nazi-comparison aficionado Ben Stein, creator of the pro-intelligent design movie Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. Myers and Stein recently participated in a televised debate which lasted for 37 hours, as Stein would not stop talking. All but one of the audience died of spontaneous brain hemorrhaging during the debate. Prominent creation evangelist Ray Comfort, a supporter of Stein, was the only survivor. (Comfort attributed his miraculous survival to divine intervention, but attending physicians later ascribed it to his lack of any brain in which a haemorrhage could occur.) The debate finally ended after Stein died of asphyxiation, as he was so busy ranting about the evils of Darwinism, scientism, atheism, and how the waiter who screwed up his order the previous night was like Goebbels that he forgot to breathe. Since Comfort was the only audience member left alive, and gave a standing ovation as Stein's body was being carried away by the medical examiner, Stein was considered to have won the debate. The debate was also broadcast on Fox News, causing a mass outbreak of traumatic brain damage among Fox viewers, though no one noticed the difference. The highlights of the Myers-Stein debate were recorded on film, and are now used by the CIA as a torture instrument at Guantanamo Bay. The CIA has since retired the use of waterboarding as a torture method due to the film's high success rate, though the film's use as a torture device is controversial due to the chance of a sudden brain implosion.

Comfort vs. Myers

Ray Comfort always sneaks a banana for his debates.

After the resounding success of PZ Myers' previous debate with Ben Stein, the public demanded a rematch with Ben. But due to his unfortunate inconvenient death, the only other person who was willing to debate with Myers was Ray Comfort. After the comfy chairs were nicely put in place, the cameras were powdered, and Myers lured into the debate stage with promises of 'Hectocotylus' porn, the stage was set for the ultimate debate of ultimate destiny! The debate was to be aired in the most respectable medium possible: television. After Myers was firmly planted on his seat with duct tape, the debate began.

Ray Comfort then went on an incoherent rant about 'irreducible complexity', the 'second law of thermodynamics', and other big words he didn't understand but used anyway. PZ Myers tried to respond, but due to being bound and gagged unto his chair, he couldn't talk at all. The creationists who were in the audience (the ones who didn't get an aneurysm) cheered and applauded as the "great" PZ Myers was ruthlessly having his ass handed to him. After 43 hours of Ray's ramblings of bananas and irreducible complexity, PETA graciously put him down before he could continue with his rant. Millions of creationists on their TV screen, caught up in their celebration of Comfort's victory, forgot to breathe and died of asphyxiation. Myers was then released from his chair with scissors and given a small bag of pretzels.

Alternative medicine

This revolutionary new substance has untapped potential.

After his showdown with Stein and Comfort, Myers turned his attention to the alternative medicine movement. He has been particularly critical of the new homeopathic emergency room that has opened at his nearest hospital in Morris, Minnesota; on visiting the facility, he was heard to exclaim "IT'S JUST WATER!" as attending physicians administered a life-saving homeopathic treatment to a car accident victim, who sadly died minutes later. In response to these criticisms, the chair of the American Homeopathic Association, Dr Herb Twittskammer, said "It's sad that Dr Meyers [sic] is so narrow-minded about homeopathic remedies which have saved thousands of lives. His uncivil tone is just more evidence that skeptics eat infants and are evil."

An enraged mob of homeopaths later attempted to take revenge on Myers by poisoning his beer with cyanide. But despite diluting it thousands of times to make it more potent, in accordance with homoeopathic principles, Myers miraculously survived the assassination attempt. (The taste of the beer was unaffected, since, being an American brew, it mostly consisted of water anyway.)

Visit to Ireland

On a recent visit to Ireland, Myers was arrested for violating the country's blasphemy law, and was detained and interrogated by the Irish Inquisition. (The Irish Inquisition is closely modeled on the Spanish Inquisition, but is known for its innovative use of root vegetables in interrogation techniques.) After surviving 12 hours of sustained interrogation (read: potato bag clubbing), and a number of unpleasant incidents involving Maris Pipers and sensitive bodily orifices, Myers still refused to recant his heresy and blasphemy and convert to the Catholic faith. He eventually escaped from custody by disguising himself as a washerwoman. (This being Ireland, no one noticed the beard.)

Dinosaur scandal

After this photograph was taken it quickly spread throughout the scientific tabloids.

In August 2009, Myers led a group of over 300 atheist and agnostic students on a tour of the Creation Museum. During the visit, the 52-year-old Myers was photographed eagerly riding a dinosaur which he maintains through his limited scientific knowledge "should be extinct in this day and age".

Myers was subsequently photographed leaving a nearby motel room with the same supposedly extinct dinosaur later that evening. Professor Myers maintains that he was merely discussing "Darwin" with the young, impressionable reptilian.

Asked to comment on these scurrilous allegations, Myers' wife said "I'm far more concerned by the fact that he was photographed in public and displayed all over the internet wearing a pin-striped suit with sneakers." She added "It's not my fault. Every time I try to take him shoe-shopping at the mall, he runs away to gape at the nearest aquarium."

Personal life

Molly, the squid, has refused interviews with Uncyclopedia news.

Myers is married to a woman known only to his readers as the "Trophy Wife". When pressed by the conservative media, Myers conceded that the trophy in question is the Stanley Cup. Their marriage became strained in 2008 after Myers' numerous torrid affairs with cephalopods became known to the public. Myers is well-known for posting cephalopod porn on his blog. He has been accused of secretly founding the clandestine organization NAMSLA (North American Man-Squid Love Association), but he denies this. After his picture was on the cover of Hectocotylus Weekly his marriage was strained further. PZ Myers lives somewhat happily with "Trophy Wife" in the third circle of hell, also known as Minnesota.