Bill Donohue

“I was dead long before Bill Donohue was born, but had I met him I'm sure we'd have gotten on famously.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Fuck Donohue. I'm sick of people thinking that we're friends!”

~ Pope Benedict

Bill Donohue is the the current pope of Bill Donohue's Civil Rights Union - a group at the forefront of the fight to protect the civil rights of Bill Donohue. The key rights being protected are as follows:

1. The right of Bill Donohue to issue death threats and condemnations
2. The obligation for everyone to hear and obey Bill Donohue

Donohue is best known for his condemnation of the Catholic Church and his life-long support for the rights of homosexuals named Bill Donohue. In one case he claimed that the church tried to cover-up the homosexuality of a priest by instead claiming that the priest had raped 200 children thus passing him off as just another heterosexual pedophile priest. Donohue pointed out that the children were in fact pubescent, meaning that the priest was, in fact, a homosexual.

Life and career

Donohue's newly designed logo for the ACLU. Motto: "Fuck with Donohue and we'll cut you good!"

Hamas initially claimed responsibility for Donohue's birth, but the Second District Court of New York State dismissed this claim on the grounds that Hamas, being a sausage-fest of angry and dysfunctional men, could not possibly produce children. Donohue himself has refused to be drawn on the matter.

The young Donohue came to prominence when he wrote a series of articles criticizing the Catholic Church's pro-death-of-Africans stance that saw the Pope sneaking in to African houses in the dead of night to puncture condoms with a knitting-needle. Secularist Sweden offered Donohue citizenship and protection from the death threats he received from Catholics. Donohue was ultimately able to reconcile his differences with Catholics by promising not to giggle at them when they play with beads or worship statues. Catholics in return agreed to reduce the number of Africans they kill by 16%.

Donohue went on to become a vocal spokesman for the American Civil Liberties Union. Under Donohue's influence the ACLU moved away from its broad support of civil liberties to exclusively defending the civil rights of Bill Donohue. In 2007 the ACLU renamed itself "Bill Donohue's Civil Right Union" (BDCRU) and appointed Donohue its pope.

Activism

Donohue has been tireless in defense of his right to not be criticised. In his capacity as the pope of the BDCRU he appointed long-time confidant Ted Haggard as the vice president of getting it on with men. Haggard and Donohue were credited with a federal bill that provided college classes for men who solicit sex by inserting their penises through holes drilled in the walls of toilet cubicles. Donohue symbolically drilled the first such hole in a public toilet in New York's Central Park while Haggard waited eagerly in the neighbouring cubicle. This event was broadcast to an estimated audience of 13 billion viewers worldwide.

Excommunication of a Brazilian doctor

In 2009 Donohue led a march on the Vatican in protest against the excommunication of a Brazilian doctor who provided medical assistance to a girl of 13. The Pope had denounced the doctor on the grounds that God wanted her to die, which led to dozens of Brazilian Catholics attempting to assassinate the girl with hammers. Donohue's protest placed the Pope under significant pressure - ultimately leading to the Catholic Church upgrading the status of women so they would enjoy the rights afforded to all other beasts of burden.

The Passion of the Christ

The release of The Passion of the Christ outraged Donohue, due mainly to its failure to depict Christ as a homosexual. In response to Mel Gibson's claims that he made no attempts to hide Christ's homosexuality, Donohue stated:

"I'm pretty good about picking out who queers are and I didn't see any in the movie. I'm usually pretty good at that."

Donohue is said to possess a highly developed gaydar. In a 2010 Time Magazine interview he cited the fact that he hasn't slept alone or with the same man in 14 years as proof of this. Gibson later apologised and contributed towards a fund that pays to have big bushy mustaches and ass-less chaps added to statues of Christ throughout America

The war of Christmas

Donohue holds the rank of General in the army fighting to take Christmas back from Christians and return it to the worshippers of the Bill Donohue. His 2004 speech, and subsequent letter-bomb campaign, was instrumental in the state of Kansas requiring that all public buildings install statues of Donohue. Although the liberal media has accused Donohue of paranoia - claiming that there's no plot to undermine worship of him, donohue himself has pointed to the lack of Donohue statues in most stores, and the incredible amount of Christian related broadcasting that dwarfs the few appearances of Donohue. The Unequal Time doctrine which is currently being debated in the House of Representatives is expected to ensure that by 2017 every home in America will have monitoring devices installed to ensure that Donohue receives at least 40% of the attention currently given to Christianity.

Boycott of Roger Smith Hotel

In March 2007 Donohue and a male friend checked-in to Manhattan's Roger Smith Hotel under the names Mr. and Mr. Smith. "The Smiths" barely had to time to relax in their room before enjoying a late-dinner before the hotel management asked that they vacate the premises. The hotel management later claimed that this was due to Donohue and his friend making a mockery of their "Must wear pants" rule of the hotel restaurant. Donohue countered with the assertion that the hotel management were homophobes who were unable to appreciate the beauty of two elderly and out-of-shape men going at it on the salad bar.

Donohue supporters came out in force to boycott the hotel. The dispute was settled in 2008 when the hotel agreed to install a statue of Donohue in the lobby and allow him to rent rooms by the hour with no questions asked. Donohue held a private celebratory party in his room with Justin Bieber, and in his case paid for a full night.

Harry Potter

The launch of J.K. Rowling's book Harry Potter drew intense criticism from Donohue and his supporter. Donohue criticized Rowling for contributing towards stereotypical images of witchcraft - leading to discrimination and a lack of respect for witches. Donohue, himself a level 16 witch, was particularly unhappy at what he felt to be the Christianization of the protagonist of the series. Donohue commented:

"Does Harry dance naked in the forest during a full moon? Does he use the blood of infants in his rites? Does he curse cows to produce sour milk? The answer to all of these questions is a sound no! Since the release of Harry Potter, covens around America have been swamped by teenagers thinking that witchcraft is all about heroics and morally sound behaviour. While summoning an eldritch demon from the fourth circle I killed a rabbit and had sex with it. Does that sound heroic or morally sound to you? All I ask is that the beliefs of Bill Donohue be respected by all."

Rowling pressured the District Attorney to press charges when Donohue demanded this his supporter kill Rowling. The BDCRU countered by claiming that Rowling was infringing on Donohue's right to threaten death against his enemies. Rowling was subsequently charged with incitement of religious hatred and sentenced to the ducking stool.

Lack of attention paid to Bill Donohue

The U.S Senate in 2004 passed a bill in response to Donohue's complaint that some people were ignoring him. The bill made it illegal to change channel or leave the room whenever Donohue appears on television. Critics have compared this to Kim Jong Il's practice of censorship of everything that isn't Kim Jong Il, but Donohue achieved conciliation by paying for free holidays for his critics.

Death

To be announced.

See also

• Catholic Church
• Jerks