Mince pie
|
This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
A mince pie (sometimes also lust bucket or Norman) is a typical British snack consisting of mince meat, apples, sugar, and pastry. Since its creation, it has become a popular delicassy amongst brick layers, the Scottish, several varieties of Womble, Gary Barlow from Take That, Santa, and Santa's reindeer, most notably Derek (who isn't mentioned as one of the official reindeer, as he unfortunately suffered a heart attack before Santa started his toy distribution. He was hung, drawn and quartered, and parts of him are now buried under each Tesco Express in Leicestershire).
The Creation of the Mince Pie[edit]
On the seventh day, God decided to stick the telly on and lounge on His rather luxurious DFS sofa, which He conveniently picked up in one of their 739 yearly sales.
God soon discovered the Sky Sports channel, and carefully observed an electrifying match between Manchester United and Chelsea. God soon became infuriated, as He was an avid Man U supporter as He, quote, "absolutely hates the cockney cunts", unquote. To His despair, the game ended with hated-by-many referee Howard Webb making a poor judgement, relatively handing the game to the Blues. In furious anger, God violenty tossed a donkey into the heart of the sun. This suddenly created a meteor storm, which made it's way towards Earth.
While God thought after His poor decision to severely melt a noble steed, He decided that He could do a much better job managing Manchester. However, as this went against Premier League rules and regulations, He decided to create the being now known as Sir Alex Ferguson, who has managed the team since the beginning of time itself.
Anyway, back to the point, I seem to be straying. Damn creative mind! After several weeks, the meteor storm thought "fuck it, why didn't I just get the train?" and struck the Garden of Eden. The minerals found in the meteors became the principal ingredients to the mince pie. This was what Adam and Eve actually ate to get them kicked out of the Garden, not an apple. This is just a poor translation from Aramaic. Another principal reason was that Adam's jeans were too tight and out of fashion.
The History of the Mince Pie[edit]
The recipe to the mince pie was written in marmite upon the internal skin of the snake from the Garden of Eden. While Moses and Elijah and all of them other blokes did their business, the recipe was lost, before being found by a group of lesbian Ancient Egyptians. The mince pie quickly became a national phenomenon, becoming a midnight snack for King Tutenkhamun, being used to provide nutrients to slave workers, and being the principal material used to create the Great Pyramid of Giza. The recipe was considered of high value, so at the time of King Tut's death, the recipe was stored in one of his canopic jars.
In one of the lost stories of Mark's Gospel, the recipe was found by Jesus Christ and his disciples. At the feeding of the 5000, Jesus did not just use 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, he used several hundred mince pies to feed the fat buggers who decided to follow him through the desert. Mince pies were also used as one of the 3 main appetisers at the Last Supper, pleasing many of the disciples, most notably Derek (no, not that one).
It is also said that the recipe was used in the discovery of many scientifical advances, including Sir Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity and the erection of Blackpool Tower. The writing in the recipe has also been said to have been used in Einstein's theory and being one of the base codes of the Internet. It is said that if you type in a certain sequence of numbers, a picture of a mince pie will appear, along with highlights from the footy game that that bloke from the first paragraph was watching.
The recipe then suddenly vanished, and was lost for over a thousand years...
The Re-Discovery of the Recipe of the Mince Pie[edit]
Luckily, it was once again found by a Lithuanian honey badger and a gypsy cat, known by many as 'Ant and Dec'. Both the badger and the cat decided to responsibly donate the recipe to the Cancer Research Foundation, but both parted after an embarassing mishap which involved a pair of cowboy boots, a jar of crunchy peanut butter and a kettle. The badger emmigrated to Paris, where he became a professional diamond merchant, working part-time as an accordion player in the post hardcore band 'The Electro Fanny Magnets' to gain extra money, with the cat moving to Australia to become an overall 1/16 of the mass of the Outback.
The cat kept the recipe and tended to use it as a sanitry towel. Luckily, once it entered Australia, he was drafted in as an extra in Disney's Finding Nemo. The producer of the box office-hit soon realised, as a heavy Christian, just how important the recipe was, so he decided to invite the cat to his office for a coffee and a chat, but instead shot it on site, sodomised it's body, and stole the recipe.
At this point, the mince pie was properly funded by multi-millionare Bill Gates and distributed into every country on Earth. 2% of the profits are still currently being donated to the family of the badger, who after a night of drugs, sex and alcohol, accidently castrated himself and bled to death.
The Modern Life of the Mince Pie[edit]
The mince pie is now recognised as an important step in society. It has helped provide towards the Pakistan Flood Aid, educate primary school children, blind Stevie Wonder, cure him, then blind him again for the fun of it, create the benefit system, molester Margaret Thatcher and upped the price of those little saches of ketchup that have nothing in them and we're still charged 8 bloody pence! Bloody Cameron!
It also features 3 times in the Guinness Book of World Records for the following
- Most Oscar nominations at a single ceremony (119).
- First non-living being to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
- Biggest turn-on for popular BBC chef and Norwich Football Club supporter, Delia Smith.
What Happened To The Recipe Of The Mince Pie?[edit]
After a rather lot of pointless and time-wasting scientific research, the original recipe enscribed upon the snake skin mysteriously went missing. There have been many rumours as to the whereabouts of the recipe. Some say that it was placed in either John Lennon's urn or one of Sharon Osbourne's socks. Religious views dictate that it was accidently donated to the Air Ambulance, or more accurately, a Barnados somewhere in the North, but further proof is still needed.
The Future of the Mince Pie[edit]
Many prophets believe that the mince pie will continue on it's projected popularity growth, with planned television programmes in the works. Many title include Doctor Pie, Piewatch, and the worryingly-titled Meatenders. There is also a film version of the mince pie's best-selling biography, You Wanna Make Mince Meat Outta Me?. Not much news other than this. Actually, hang on, maybe one more thing. Everyone seems to be talking about the end of the world in 2012. Yes, so Hollywood isn't it? Well anyway, recently wheelchair-bound genius Steven Hawking, described by most Pikeys as the 'cleverest spacker who ever lived', has the theory that the incident of the donkey, which was thrown by God into the Sun 4.54 billion years ago, will happen again, as there is an overly-hyped Community Shield coming up between God's beloved Manchester United, and Accrington Stanley. Oh yes, didn't expect that did you? That's because the world in which us Uncyclopediests live in is a world of utter bollocks.