James Spader

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For the iraqnid, see James Spider.


This is James Spader. We'll give you a moment to deal with that.

“I'm not James Spader, but I play him on TV.”

James T. "Two Sheds" Spader was first human to travel through a Stargate. He post-currently starts in Boston Legal where he plays a lawyer for a fake law firm called "Crane, Poole, Schmidt and Spock" and co-stars the show along with James T. Kirk and some other random actors and actresses you've never heard of. In fact, you've probably haven't even heard of James Spader before, as he started in many films in the 80's that no one cares for today (the majority of these revolved around his efforts to fuck things up for Andrew McCarthy).

James Spader's role on his current television show is to bullshit the hell out of people to get them out of legal trouble. 9 out of 10 episodes per season, he wins the case and the next episode repeats the same pattern. Last season on Boston Legal, James Spader's character took a rape case to the Supreme Court with James T. Kirk along his side.


Although James Spader is, in fact, the greatest blond actor under 50, few people know this because he made movies in the 1980s. Everyone knows that no good movies were made in this decade, except perhaps "Bachelor Party," starring Tom Hanks before he won multiple Academy Awards and his shit stopped stinking. He is also the most pervy man in the Western World since Gary glitter moved to the East.

He was President of the United Spades in 1973. He was elected because of his name is so dissimilar to the name of the country that the people of the United Spades wondered how they could they not vote for him? Then, he was shot. Vice President Captain Planet became president.

He is also known for making regular movies seem like porn. In the movie "White Palace," for instance, noted large-breasted actress Susan Sarandon hoovers him like spilled cat litter, and that movie isn't porn at all.

People bitten by a radioactive James Spader have been known to develop a host of super powers including a mysterious "Spader Sense."

Battles persistent rumours that he is related to David Spade.

He was reportedly killed by Dr. Michael Shanks on September 12th, 1996 during a fit of jealous rage. Despite his death, he has gone on to star in the hit show Boston Legal, in which he plays a slightly overweight lawyer and has sex with everyone on the show, including William Shatner.

Years later, James Spader was resurrected as a robot by a really, really evil scientist. Through this new opportunity, James Spader could continue his acting career as long as he gave 25% of his salary to his "father". James Spader now has super-cool weaponry and gained a God-Complex over this period of time as he began to see humans as an inferior race. Concerned about this, he was invited to Dr. Phil to talk about his problems but ended up accidentally destroying the entire studio. He then proclaimed he would exterminate the entire human race. With no choice, the United Spades called upon The Avengers to take him down. Eventually he learned that his "father" was none other than Tony Stark and was annoyed that he had been accidentally funding the Avengers while he fought them and was continuing with his acting career at the same time. With this, James Spader vowed never to act again and devoted all his time to destroying mankind and the Avengers.


  • Pretty in Pink (1986)
  • Prettier in Pink (1987)
  • Wading in the Stream of Obscenity (1987)
  • Tooth Ferry (1987)
  • Return of the Pink Panther (1987)
  • Curse of the Pretty Pink Panther (1987)
  • The Return of the Pink Panther Returns (19$7)
  • Sex Lies on Videotape (1987)
  • Sexing the Secretary (1988)
  • Sweet Vagina Pie (1989) (a remake of the 50's musical)
  • Robert's Rules of Order: The Movie
  • A bad remake of Star Gate (1994)
  • Sex in Car Crashes (1996) (Softcore porn by David Cronenberg)

See Also[edit]