HowTo:Increase your post count
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Many online forumers from all streets of net life experience a common affliction known as 'Post Count Syndrome'. Symptoms include competitiveness in posts, races to be 'First Response', and other post-producing actions. While Post Count Syndrome can affect even the most wizened poster, it usually occurs amongst n00bz and young children. There is no cure, but there is treatment. Only a heavily regimented posting plan including constant messaging will alleviate your suffering. Unfortunately for you, I'm not trained in medicine, and as such cannot organize you a licensed plan. However, if you follow my documented strategies, you will no doubt have your numbers climbing before your eyes! Let us begin my lessons on HowTo:Increase Your Post Count.
Lesson #1 = Don't state all your facts
One of the common mistakes of many well-educated posters is to begin and end your argument in a single post. Though seemingly logical, your opinion will wither under the constant query-and-answer posts of your neighbours. The solution: divide your argument into smaller sections, ending with a question whenever possible. Other posters will instinctively answer your question in the most objectionable method possible, but don't be discouraged; begin a game of leapfrog between yourselves, reaffirming and countering each other's evidence. A skilled leapfrogger can keep the conversation going for hours, which leads us into our next lesson.
Lesson #2 = Be Objectionable
If you are a person who is difficult to discourage, you can abuse your strength by becoming an objectionable poster. Find which poster has the dominant view in a thread, and do everything you can to reject his or her opinion. You may use whatever tactics you wish to ensure your opponent cannot reach an agreement. Remember: resolution is BAD!! You should see quite a few posts by the time the dust settles.
Lesson #3 = Spamming
The simplest way to get your post count up is to spam. Be careful, however, since moderators keep a sharp eye out for spammers. There are two main varieties of spamful posts; explicit and implicit. Explicit spam is mostly what moderators deal with, and like the name implies, can and will contain the most far-flung statements and useless sentences possible. If your reputation can take a hit, create some spamful posts in a thread of your choice. If you feel the need to make multiple messages, be sure to leave large intervals between them, and NEVER spam more than once in a single thread. As long as the moderators do not see a pattern in your behaviour, you should be able to get off without a ban.
Implicit spam, also known as 'Yes-Manning', is safer than explicit spam, but just as easy to perpetrate. When conducting implicit spam, be sure to post messages with neutral connotation and/or equal balance on the matter. If other posters can find nothing immediately objectionable with your statement, they will generally ignore it. Implicit spam does require a minimal amount of topic comprehension, but you should be able to escape clean.
Lesson #4 = NEVER Troll!
While it may seem like a quick way to give your count a boost, you should never resort to attacking another poster. Moderators will latch on quickly to your assaults. If your message has some value or minimal aggressiveness, you may only be warned; but if insults run rampant, your post will likely be deleted. Trolling needlessly scars your reputation which, if you are only just reading this, is probably bad enough.
Lesson #5 = Stay Vigilant
Just as important as knowing when to post is knowing when not to post. A hardened spammer should be able to instantly recognize a spam thread. Avoid it! At best, you will be able to shoot in one or two messages before it closes; at worst, the thread will be deleted and your hard work with it. Troll threads are similar, although may maintain themselves for some time after closure. If you find the moderators are particularly displeased with the path a thread is taking, do not jump onto that sinking ship.
Lesson #6 = Take a Hint
Moderators are not your only enemy. Beware other posters who catch on to your actions. If it seems as though you are too indiscreet, cease your actions at once. The 'Report Abuse' feature is only a mouse-click away from halting your operations.
Lesson #7 = Educate Yourself
This is, by far, your very last refuge. If the above lessons have all failed and you have been perma-banned, you have only one option left: educate yourself on the subject, then write thoughtful, provocative ideas stimulating a professional and academically-inclined discussion. If you are feelin' lucky, your discussion may even make world news. Just remember: this is the hardest, most time-consuming option available, and requires you actually use your mental functions.
The author of this article holds no guarantee that following these instructions will prevent you from being harassed, despised, flamed, banned, or pwnt by a Korean zerg rush. Read this advice, but take it with a grain of salt. Everything's better with salt!
- HowTo:Annoy unwanted roommates
- HowTo:Antagonize People for Being Different
- HowTo:Become Famous on the Internet
- HowTo:Become a Lawyer
- HowTo:Convince people you're a nutcase
- HowTo:Create an e-Persona
- HowTo:Go off on a tangent
- HowTo:Irritate People
- HowTo:Lower Your IQ
- HowTo:Make an Article That Will Get Deleted
- HowTo:Online Jihad
- HowTo:Properly Whore Your Article
- HowTo:Skip School
- HowTo:Stalk your ex
- HowTo:Start a War
- HowTo:Succumb to peer pressure
- HowTo:Turn Your Life Into an RPG
- HowTo:Vandalise Uncyclopedia