HowTo:Create an e-Persona

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“No one ever suspected that I was a 47 year old librarian called Beryl”

~ Noel Coward on e-Persona

“No one has ever suspected that I am actually Yagami Light... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

~ L

This training guide presents an introduction to the art of creating an e-Persona. Please note that this document does not cover all aspects of an e-Persona, but aims to educate in merely the basics of the art. Creating a e-Persona is harder than it looks. This tutorial comprehensively covers the first crucial three steps in this time-consuming task.

Step 1. Choosing a name

Morphological features

Choosing a suitable name is most probably the crucial step. The name "fluffybunny" will only be greeted by laughs from the online community. You need to choose a name that deserves respect. A mixture of lower and uppercase letters is most suitable. Add numbers for bonus marks and symbols for impact. A good sign of a suitable name is one that is so hard for others to type out that the mere frustration sparks a flame war.

Sound symbolism

The use of sound symbolism is also prominent in online names. Take for example the name 'phirt'. The ph- gives us the impression of something squishy whilst the the '-irt' is often associated with a fast speed. This is not an example of a successful internet name. Take a name of another internet person, such as 'uieow'. The ui- makes us think of something disgusting but in a good way, whereas the -eow can be associated with pain or spontaneity. The linking of the u (you) with an i (I) instantly creates community pants. Additionally, the general sense from the word uieow is a sense of awesomeness. This is a very successful example of sound symbolism being used on the internet.

Step 2. Don't be yourself

The fact that you're reading this guide tells me something about you. You need help to create a mask behind which you can talk to people. Its okay. Everybody has one. The only difference between different peoples masks and yours, is that yours is going to be twice as successful as you have read my guide. The key step to being successful is not being yourself.

Why?

There are infinite different kinds of people. Most of these, except for a select few, are uncool on the internet. This guide will go through the basic few personas you can adapt. It is important to note that if you choose to follow any of these personas, you also need to have something "unique" about yourself, and not just follow the persona to the word.

Tip

The Uncyclopedia foundation recommends drawing the line at personas that may cause yourself bodily harm. Avoid personas that involve illegal activities. Unless you enjoy pain, in which case Wikipedia works better.

The Smart Guy

This is a tough one to follow. If you choose this path, it is most essential that before undertaking any sort of communication with another internet user, you must grammatically check your statement 2-3 times before "sending" it. When conveying information, you should double check your statement with a reputable source, such as Uncyclopedia before typing. In the rare case that the function of your speech is to be an instrument of action, it is crucial that you use capital letters, and full stops, although unfashionable.

The Tough Guy

This guy doesn't take anything from anybody. If called a "n00b" or insulted in any way, shape or form, the reaction must be swift and hard. While insulting back is often used by people of this persona, it is also possible to "own" them using false logic. Additionally, metaphors are often used by tough guys. For example, "I'm as tall as a bloody seven-foot-three-inch tree!"

The Gamer whom is Buff in Real Life

This persona recently gained popularity in the Spring of '05. Basically, you play computer games, make friends with computer gamers and then proceed to tell them how buff you are in real life. You take protein shakes, and enjoy eating raw eggs, followed by long runs on the beach, whereafter you then play computer games.

Step 3. Practise makes Perfect

Chances are, your first persona won't turn out the way you like. It's okay though; the internet is a powergrid of second chances. Simply reset your modem, and you can instantly become a new person.

Step 4. Use

For information on use see summoning your Persona