Generic Theory of Probably Something
Assignment: Write an essay that is at least 600 words long on a theory of your choice that we have learned in class. Be prepared to present your essay on Monday to the rest of the class.
What a bitch! Who assigns a goddamn essay on "a theory of your choice" over the weekend of the Super Bowl?! I'll tell you who: Ms. Smith, that's who! It's half-time and The Who are playing, which is totally not Soulja Boy, the only group deserving of the half-time show (Soulja Boy Tell 'Em!). I guess that means I have 20 minutes to write this damn thing.
My Essay on the Generic Theory of Probably Something[edit]
The Generic Theory of Probably Something is the only theory I can think of while the Super Bowl is on. The theory is used to link something to something else through the use of some formula, or something, like how my willingness to write an essay on a theory is inversely related to the amount of football that is on my television screen.
History of the Generic Theory of Probably Something[edit]
The theory was developed on February 7th, 2010 by me for the sole reason of completing this essay in under 20 minutes, which under normal circumstances would be half a page long, but sadly you have imposed a 600 word minimum on this essay. So please excuse my obvious excessive use of similar words, because I really, really, really... really need to finish this. The Who can only play so much crappy music that isn't rap, or hip-hop before the Indianapolis Colts (AKA the best football team on earth) crush their crusty old bodies and resume destroying the New Orleans Saints.
Uses of the Generic Theory of Probably Something[edit]
Scientists theorize that Peyton Manning uses the Generic Theory of Probably Something to effectively crush the spirits of New Orleans Saints fans (watch as he allowed a single touchdown, therefore strengthening their hopes, before dashing them to shreds). By calculating in his head the trajectory of the football when it leaves his hands, and the distance from the end zone to his hands, he is able to add an additional 80 words or so to my essay, inching it ever closer to that looming final word count.
But how can I be as avid a Generic Theory of Probably Something user as Peyton Manning? Ever since I began writing this essay 6 minutes ago, I have been planning a field-test of the theory. As you know, Allie Edwards sits in the seat in front of me. I have been steadily monitoring her plunging neckline for the last 3 months, and through the use of the Generic Theory of Probably Something, I have been able to hypothesize whether she would react adversely to me forcing myself upon her between periods.
She would.
So I must keep my hands to myself for the time. But even as I type, I am figuring out how the Generic Theory of Probably Something could be used to change her mind in that regard. If science can prove that God doesn't exist, surely it can get me laid, no?
Only 400 words?[edit]
I would have thought that through the use of the Generic Theory of Probably Something, I would have had more than 600 words. I fear I may not reach the 600 word minimum in time to see the Indianapolis Colts continue their romp of a lesser team, which has no knowledge of the Generic Theory of Probably Something.
I really don't have much more to say about the Generic Theory of Probably Something, so I will now take these extra 100 words to formally ask you, Ms. Smith, if you could help me present my theory to real sciencey people, and maybe make me a quick million dollars? I know you, as a failed scientist (because according to the Generic Theory of Probably Something, we can come to the conclusion that teachers are only people who failed at what they majored in) have written many failed propositions to real scientists, only to have your hopes ripped to shreds, much like how the New Orleans Saints will have their hopes ripped to shreds momentarily.
Oh look! 600 words. Right... now... now... 600 words. The end.
Aftermath[edit]
Ms. Smith hasn't been in school since Monday. The principle told us that she is recovering from a mental breakdown, but I know that is just code for "she's working on my scientific proposal," and Allie Edwards switched out of the class, and got a school restraining order on me. Maybe I should have left that part out of the presentation.
Don't talk to me about football.