Forum:In need of some Concrit.
Hello everyone. I've been a fan of Uncyclopedia for quite a while. Humour writing is something I've always wanted to learn to do, and I have found the HTBFANJS guide to be really helpful.
I'm right now practicing to be a writer for Uncyclopedia by seeing if I can write something funny about history or something for someplace else. I've already started, but I'm not quite sure if it is up-to-snuff. I can't have it pee-er-reviewed since I don't want to put this material on uncyclopedia (atleast not just yet anyways, I'm not really familiar with Wikies). I just got started about two days ago, and I'm not feeling all too sure about it. I don't know anyone else that takes an interest in humour writing, so I hope it's okay if I ask you guys. I just need some Consurctive Critique, that's all.
I just need to know if this sucks or not... I can't decide for myself for whatever reason; http://kirby.classicgaming.gamespy.com/temp/metawarp/testingtesting/rics.rtf
--Mr Mega 20:43, 27 August 2006 (UTC)
Hmm. I read this, and I can verify that as of 00:01 UTC on the 28th it didn't contain any viruses, external web links, goatse, or spam. So you're doing fairly well already, I'd say! You're a good writer, technically speaking, though you'll have to do better with the its/it's rule (the apostrophe is only for the contraction form), and there are a few minor grammatical issues. But there are plenty of successful writers here who are far worse, technically.
The real problems are (1) too many facts, and (2) not enough gags. This site is more into the zany and absurd - this piece of yours just takes too long to reach its first punchline. Once it gets to that first one, things get better, but I'm afraid nobody is going to make it that far — other than me and maybe a half-dozen others... Subtlety is OK on Uncyclopedia, but our idea of subtlety is, like, one gag vs. one fact per paragraph. In this case, you've got entire paragraphs with dozens of facts and no gags at all! Surely this cannot be!
Still, I think you can do it - you might have to force yourself into a different mindset, though. Also, sometimes it's better to write about things you don't care much about or aren't all that interested in, at least at first. Either way, good luck, and I hope this helps! c • > • cunwapquc? 00:23, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
... I see. I guess I did write a little bit much about the Ragnarok, didn't I? I'll have to trim that down to a single paragraph, but, I did intend for the paragraph to be the Straight Man, while the Ragnarok bit was the one that followed was supposed to be the absurd. I guess I should trim it down a bit, and possibly follow the rule of three a bit more...
Thanks, that was a grand help. But, just in case, are there any specifics? --Mr Mega 02:11, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
FreeMorpheme obnubilates!
- Nice to see someone's actually read HTBFANJS.
00:37, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
Example
No specifics, but let's take the first paragraph as an example (and I'm technically using this without permission, so please sue me as soon as possible):
- The earliest discovery of the New World was made by Norse seafarers known as Vikings. While on an occasional boat trip from Iceland to settlements in Greenland, they were blown off course and westward. Around 985 - 1000 AD/CE, they landed in modern day Labrador. Leif Ericson (or Leaf the Lucky) became the one of the first Norse men to land in Canada. They set up a few new settlements in the area which they called Vinland. Records of Vinland were recorded into Sagas, which is the Viking equivalent of a history book, only they were carvings on walls. According to the Sagas, the area was heavily forested, and this was seen a benefit to the Greenland Settlements to the north - who lacked necessary lumber to continue their settlements.
Now, in a typical Uncyclopedia article, the foregoing would read more like this (and note the lack of red links):
- The New World was first discovered by Lassie during an unusually lengthy bathroom break. This discovery was in vain, however, since no one could understand Lassie's complex language, or even the detailed maps she drew of the entire continent. It wasn't until 400 years later that Norse seafarers, known as Cylons, accidentally rediscovered the New World during a YMCA canoe trip led by a Labrador Retriever named Paris Hilton. However, after Hilton's untimely death in a massive avalanche of General Tso's Chicken, her replacement, Leif Ericsson — also known as Oswald the Lucky Rabbit — promptly forgot the location of the entire continent. (Ericsson later became the one of the first men to land on the moon, and currently works for Densa as a carrot-peeler.) Fortunately, a member of Ericsson's crew had stored the directions to the New World on his laptop, and on their eventual return, they set up several McDonalds franchises in the area. Records of these franchises were then recorded on someone's iPod, but were soon lost when the iPod's owner decided to delete the files in order to make room for MP3's of the latest Cher album. All that survives is anecdotal evidence, which suggests that the area was heavily anecdotal, and also filled with millions of tons of delicious pie and cookies. Of course, within ten years, all of the pie and cookies had been eaten by hordes of Canadians, and the entire area soon became completely useless.
c • > • cunwapquc? 04:25, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
- Comment: Um, that's exactly what's wrong with far too many Uncyclopedia articles. The items being included here are too random. They should be nonsense but have some weak grounding in reality. "Viking raider Leif Ericsson" looting, pillaging and selling cell phones "on order of King Bluetooth, leader of the Norse wireless empire", if it works, only works because there is an "Ericsson" as a manufacturer of these blasted contraptions. Yes, we just might have them sending Norse code. To put Paris Hilton and Cher abord a Viking ship in l'Anse aux Meadows, Newfoundland is random unless there's some real-world basis to tie this together - a similar name, equally ruthless business practices, a play on words, anything... but not just link a list of often-used names at random and expect it to be humourous. --Carlb 15:33, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
- I'll have to agree with Carlb on this one... I can't be extremely crazy or insane on this. I have to be coherent, since I'm writing this for people with extremely different senses of humour - I can't write in a style that will only make a few of them laugh like crazy, I'd much rather prefer an article that would make everyone laugh atleast once. ... Oh, and I tried to go about and improve the first paragraph. How does this sound?
- The earliest discovery of the New World was made Aliens from outer space coming to Earth in search of intelligent life. Of course, we have been programmed by the Steven Harper government not to be able to talk about his master… – Uh, I mean the aliens. Since anyone who tries to push this discovery is vaporized on sight, their discovery was put in vain. The rediscovery of the New World was by Norse seafarers known as Vikings. Around 985 – 1000 AD/CE, they landed in modern day Labrador. Leif Eriksson (or Leif the Lucky) became the one of the first Norse men to land in Canada. Leif the Lucky was banished from his home country of Norway for theft, pillaging, and door-to-door cellphone sales. They set up a few new settlements in the area which they called Vinland. Records of Vinland were recorded into Sagas, which is the Viking equivalent of an I-Pod, only they were carvings on walls, instead of MP3s. Microsoft still uses the same Saga technology to this date. According to the Sagas, the area was heavily forested, and this was seen a benefit to the Greenland Settlements to the north – who lacked necessary lumber to continue their settlements. But, truth be told… They just wanted to make Greenland more Green.
- How does that sound? I think it is much better than before. At this point, I'm not as much worried about the Viking information as I am my Aboriginal information. --Mr Mega 18:05, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
I concur, now that my obnubliation is done. Why don't you write an article on the little known invasion of Norway by the American Indians? 15:54, 28 August 2006 (UTC)
Why, indeed, not?
Well, I did say a "typical" Uncyclopedia article...
The fact is, we already have Canada, Canada/History, Greenland, Newfoundland and Labrador, Ragnarök, Leif Ericsson, and of course Viking, the latter of which is one of our better examples (IMO) of not-so-random humor (though it could use some additional wikilinking). We also have a whole slew of articles on the Cape Breton area of Nova Scotia, courtesy of our many friends in that area (who pretty much keep to themselves, for whatever reason). However, we don't have articles on John Cabot, Vinland, Fenris, or Norse Mythology, even though red links are out there on them. But the larger question remains: Are you (Mr. Mega) really interested in becoming a humor writer, or are you merely looking to "spice up" your serious writing with some humor? Because if it's the latter, then you're on the wrong site — this place will simply corrupt your sensibilities, possibly making you a worse writer than before. Moreover, it's far easier to tone down a hilarious idea into something wry and subtle (but still funny) than it is to take a boring idea and make it funny (under any definition of the term).
As for this revision of yours, yeah, sure, it's better, but I don't think it's the sort of thing that will win you any prizes. If I had to be more specific, I'd say the iPod gag should definitely be removed unless you're going to set up a punchline with it, and you should absolutely link to the Cell phone article here — never to a corporate website. (That's just bad for business on both ends!) So you've got that, the Microsoft joke (which is okay but not super-original), and the aliens/Steven Harper bit (which might at least be funny to Canadians). But then you've got a big letdown at the end with this "make Greenland more Green" line, which really isn't funny at all, unless I'm missing some sort of Canadian inside-joke...
More generally, if you're not going to write something that's just completely absurd, you've gotta be able to set up gags and follow through on them with zingers. It could be as simple as this:
- They built a few new settlements in the area, which they named "Vinland" after legendary sports announcer Vin Scully, whom they worshiped as a god.
In other words, fact, setup, zinger. (Not a particularly good zinger in this case, but you get the idea, and it's not like I'm getting paid for this. And just as a quick disclaimer, I do happen to like non-sequiturs more than most, and I always avoid first-person asides... but that's just me!)
Anyhoo, I don't want to discourage you — none of us do, except of course for User:Shaft, the black private dick who's a sex-machine for all the chicks. But I fear you'll have to think zanier than this to grab any real attention around here. On the other hand, the Cape Breton people aren't exactly looking for attention, so... maybe it's a Canadian thing? c • > • cunwapquc? 00:52, 29 August 2006 (UTC)
- I want to be a Humour Writer... Really! It's just I haven't really dealt with Information Based Humour that much before - only the type of stuff you'd find in Sprite Comics, Fanfics and this or this which I made around year ago or so. Maybe it is the format I am using, I write all the information first and then start trying to twist it around. It is the same way certain Satire writers do, but the only downside is it doesn't even sound any bit funny until around 3/4 of the way through.
- And about the Ipod thing... --Mr Mega 17:55, 29 August 2006 (UTC)
CONCRIT
CONCRIT
Mr. Briggs Inc. 23:25, 29 August 2006 (UTC) Eh?