Forum:Better things you could be doing with your life RIGHT NOW

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Make a nice little list, other people who should be doing something with your life. I'm bored.—The preceding unsigned comment was added by Goodyfun (talk • contribs)

1. Making my nipples stare at each other. --Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 03:18, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
2. See below. --L 03:24, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
3. Baking fairy cakes. -- Hindleyite Converse 18:19, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
4. Bathing - jack mort | cunt | talk - 19:51, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
5. Writing a 10-page analysis of psammosere succession in sand dunes. Or possibly just chucking all my coursework out of the window, some days I'm not sure. -- 20:31, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
6. Helping robots dominate mankind. --User:Missingno/sig 21:14, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
7. Using Uncyclopedia as a Custom Degree essay writing site -- Hindleyite Converse 21:15, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
8. Deleting the porn sites from your browser's history. --Señor DiZtheGreat  CUN AOTM ( Worship me!) (Praise me!) (Join me!) AMEN! 21:41, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
9. Training my crabs to do tricks and then starting a circus act. Crabs as in crustaceans, that is. Why, what were you thinking? --Sir Jam 22:04, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
10. Reading, writing, or participating in some other activity worthy of my infinite mental palate instead of continuing this pointless facade. Mr. Briggs Inc. 12:43, 1 February 2007 (UTC) Eh?
11. Learning Tai Chi on top of a speeding monorail. --Ж Kalir _{yes, I play Pokémon} 17:17, 1 February 2007 (UTC)
12. Actually going to work User:KWild/sig 05:45, 2 February 2007 (UTC)
13. Watching Eastenders omnibus on BBC3. Actually no, the post says 'better things'. Meh. -- Hindleyite Converse 18:00, 2 February 2007 (UTC)
14. Finding out whatever happened to Jesus' foreskin. --Hotadmin4u69 ^[TALK] 06:20, 28 April 2007 (UTC)
15. Balancing a pepperoni pizza on your head whilst riding a unicycle and juggling 3 computer monitors. --AAA! (AAAA) 01:09, 3 May 2007 (UTC)
16. play a video game while riding a bike and eating a radioactive muffin--- player2- 09:18, 8 June 2009 (UTC)

Things you're supposed to be doing instead of visiting Uncyclopedia

This page is considered a policy on Uncyclopedia. It has wide acceptance among editors and is considered a standard that everyone should follow, unless they don't want to, in which case they are free to ignore it so long as they're not being a dick. Please make use of the standing on one knee position to propose to this policy.

To study or to make a silly picture? The answer is obvious!

Paying attention in school.

Welcome to Uncyclopedia! Be prepared to surrender all of your "precious" free time and so-called creativity to editing and contributing pages to the Cyberweb's only true encyclopaedia (no matter how much Wikipedia tries to pretend otherwise). Before you go further, the Government requires that we show this disclaimer, reminding you of things you're supposed to be doing, and in a world without Uncyclopedia, WOULD be doing. What follows is only a small sample of the innumerable activities you could be, should be, and would be engaged in if not for this insidious taskmaster:

• SEX - Have SEX.

• Go eat Mexican Food - Sooner or later you're gonna want to.

• Work - That's right, that thing you do when you're not watching TV or stuffing your disgusting food hole. It could very well be where you ARE right now, wasting company time, and getting paid to goof off.

• School - "We don't need no education"? Nice grammar, moron, you just proved my point. In school, you would learn that the correct way to say that phrase is "We doesn't need any edumacation"...idiot.

• Calling Your Mom - Your mom misses you, she went through countless hours of labour to bring you into the world, and how do you repay her? You come to THIS website instead of talking to that sainted woman. For SHAME!

• Walking your dog - Yes, that poor little innocent creature whimpering by the door wants to go outside and urinate. If you don't get up off your lazy butt and walk him he's going to pee right on your rug, and whose fault would that be? Plus, you need the exercise, tubby.

• Watching TV - TV viewership is your most important role as a citizen. The networks do not spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to come up with programming, and pay executives millions of dollars for scheduling for you to goof off here. Plus, advertisers are spending billions each year to reach you, and there you sit, not even watching TV! What are you going to talk about at work tomorrow, everyone else was watching TV and YOU missed it! You will have no idea what they are talking about! You missed another episode of Family Guy again!

• Talking to an actual human being - Yes, remember, the art of conversation? You should interact with your fellow man (or woman, if you can get a word in edgewise).

• Exercising - Look at yourself, fat, disgusting waste of space that you are. You're a disgrace. Get up, go outside and move...ugh. If you still can.

• Making sweet, sweet love - But looking at you, and the fact that you can no longer carry on a conversation, let's skip this one.

• Masturbate - Because you obviously aren't getting sweet, sweet love.

• Volunteering at a local charity - Helping your fellow man is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you can do. Feed the homeless, visit the sick, do something to earn some good karma points, etc. Or if you're Catholic, work off some of that time in Purgatory.

• Read a book - Sheesh, would it kill ya to read a book? Some of the modern giants of literature, like John Grisham, Stephen King, Dan Brown and Tom Clancy, require almost as little thought as watching TV! All you need to do is know how to read, and if you can make out the hieroglyphics on this page, you can certainly read.

• Spend time with your children - Seriously, your kids are punks, if you don't spend some quality time with them, they're gonna end up on the streets selling crack. Even worse, they could end up like you! *shudder*. If you have a daughter, you better go have a Tea Party with her NOW, or she'll wind up doing porn, or becoming a prostitute, or worst of all, marrying Larry King.

• Take your car to be serviced - They don't put the 3,000 mile sticker on your car because they're trying to sell motor oil... well, actually they are, but your car needs to be serviced. Maintaining it religiously doesn't mean driving around and praying nothing goes wrong!

• Learn a second language - ¿Cuántos idiomas sabe Usted? ¿Uno? ¡Tu madre es una puta vieja, fea, sucia y gorda!

• Cooking a delicious and nutritious meal - That slop you eat isn't fit for hogs! Microwaving TV dinners does not count as cooking, and going to McDonald's certainly doesn't! But if you could literally burn water, you could always take classes.

• "GET OUT THERE AND SING THE SONGS, BITCH! - (slap) Now, look what you made me do! I'm sorry, baby, I just get so mad sometimes, honest, I didn't mean it"... Sorry about that, we let Ike Turner post that one.

• Repenting your sins/praying for your eternal soul - This site is home to some of the most deplorable acts of heresy and sacrilege. If you have read any pages at all, your soul is in serious peril. Hell is no joke!

• Breastfeeding your newborn baby - That is, assuming you're female, although I've seen some dudes with big ol' jugs...

• Checking that patient you left in dialysis - Uh-oh, the machine took too much, now the patient looks like an empty Capri Sun pouch!

• Donating your liver - Do this quick, all that beer isn't doing it any favours!

• Praying to Gosh - Gosh is pure unfiltered like. If you don't like Him back, he may dang your soul to heck!

• Listening to the last words of your dying relative - He may be confessing some really juicy gossip, like where Jimmy Hoffa's buried...Or maybe confessing the location of his secret Nazi gold!!

• Checking the ignition system of the shuttle - ....3....2....1...nuthin'... better luck next time NASA!!

• Taking care of that life form you developed - (Lackadaiscalus doofi) isn't going to feed itself...although your laziness, in not cleaning out the refrigerator, created it in the first place.

• Running away from the giant wave - It's coming closer...closer...oh, just give up, Stand up, raise your arms, cheer, sit down, wait for it to come back around the stadium...oh, wrong wave...yeah, surf's up, WAAAAAY UP! Better make tracks, darlin'.

• Breathing - And looking at you, you're lucky I reminded you to do this... slack-jawed gawker!

• Visiting some windswept steppes - This isn't really a suggestion, I just had to tack on my signature phrase.

• Restoring this article to its original (and incorrect) American spelling - Seriously, what is your favorite color of humor? Dammit!!! Do me the honor of cutting that out!

• Changing the spelling of all bastardised (read: American) words to agree with the proper and honourable British spelling conventions - This is done out of spite towards the Americans, with the benefit of much humour and colourful arguments, usually threatening to ram our testicles down our oesophaguses.

• Your mom - Ba-zing!

• Read a book - Yes I'm talking to you, James!

• Join the Military - What better way to show your patriotism than to willingly throw one's life into the gory cogs of the government's war machine? You too can have every ounce of human feeling and individuality painfully scoured from the inside of your back-slanted skull and replaced with the soothing panacea of bigotry and chauvinism! Plus, you'd get to frag the hell out of some real live brown people - no more settling for the pale substitutes of bargain-bin computer games! Join today, point-n-click!

• Break your heroin addiction - Just kidding. It's good for the economy.

• Working on your thesis - Ever notice how you've been a college student longer than most of your professors have been teaching? Ever thought there was a reason behind it?

• Chanology Beware obnosis of social disorder and parental consequences!

• Blink - You might want to do this more often, causing less eyestrain while you stare at your dumb computer screen.

• Clean your bathroom - Your filthy filthy bathroom. Ugh!

• Finish composing Beethoven's 10th symphony - since the lazy sonofabitch couldnt be arsed to do it himself and selfishly passed away.

---

If you can't figure out how to do any of this, maybe you should kill yourself. Use a shotgun, it will make the most mess, and people love to clean up after dead losers.

Shoot my English Teacher

You weasel faced retard of a teacher —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Cirptic (talk • contribs)

Sell your brain

You should get a good price considering you've been keeping it brand new all this time.--Jam256 06:02, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

Better. New in box. Still has the pricetag on it, too. --Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 14:18, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

I know someone who's looking for one too. -- (but) Untrue  Whhhy?Whut?How? *Back from the dead* 18:54, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

Luckily, Zombiebaron is vegan. --Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 18:57, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

And Braydie sounds a bit like braynie... umm... No, I'm out of brain related ideas. Sorry. -- (but) Untrue  Whhhy?Whut?How? *Back from the dead* 21:51, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

It was good while it lasted though, eh? Hey, remember that forum where we talked about things you could be doing? And then someone made a joke? Then someone else did too? Ah, good times... --Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 21:54, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

And then someone started talking about selling their brain! Haha! Hmm, well, I guess you had to be there. -- (but) Untrue  Whhhy?Whut?How? *Back from the dead* 22:12, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

Better still: Never been used (yes I knoe that's what you meant as well) BTW, perhaps an artice on people who are challenged brainwise (politicians in general spring to mind, and elected ones in particular) and therefore use a brain prothesis ? Which they must remember to unmount last when going to bed and mount before all other prothesese when getting out of bed (not counting 3 AM pit-stops) in the morning. Just a creative wave, I have no time, anyone wants to try her hand, feel free to exploit the idea. -- di Mario 20:16, 9 May 2007 (UTC) Don't forget to buy an Alzheimer brain prothesis (near the end of the paragraph)

Making non sequiturs

--General Insineratehymn 21:52, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

I've never tried Spanish cooking. Are they good? --Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 21:55, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

From what I have heard, Eastern Loggerhead Sea turtles are currently migrating to Hawaii to lay their eggs.--Witt, of UNion Entertain me* 03:34, 30 April 2007 (UTC)

That's right, she fit a WHOLE BOWLING PIN in there! -- » Sir Savethemooses Grand Commanding Officer ... holla atcha boy» 03:57, 30 April 2007 (UTC)

$1+2=fish$ • Spang • ☃ • talk • 04:44, 30 Apr 2007

Sometimes people ask me if I'm psychic. To them I say, "Who the hell are you?" --Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 18:22, 1 May 2007 (UTC)

Could I have some onion to go with that, please ? Ah, thank you, me good man. -- di Mario 18:46, 1 May 2007 (UTC)

I most certainly did NOT sell them faulty geese! If anything, they stole the dynamite and ate it themselves! --Ж Kalir _{yes, I play Pokémon} 18:48, 3 May 2007 (UTC)

Sorry for the dreadful smell, but my continence allowance was revoked. -- di Mario 15:59, 5 May 2007 (UTC)

Figure out why I came here in the first place

Somethin' importain...................can't remeber...................uummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................welllllllllllllllllllllllllll... —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Shedtroll (talk • contribs)

The important thing was to sign your statement about forgetting. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 09:10, 09 May 2007

Well, obviously, I am here so naturally it must be important. Now where did that pesky majordomo go ? Oh drat, not the stables. Again! I say, dear chap, I once knew an elephant called Cholmondolly, what could do the most amazing things. -- di Mario 21:20, 9 May 2007 (UTC)

Making non-sequiturs was last section. Get with the times, man! -- (but) Untrue  Whhhy?Whut?How? *Back from the dead* 06:35, 10 May 2007 (UTC)

For God's sake man! Pull yourself together and stop making non-sequiturs! Now where was I heading? Oh, yes, the stables to find the majordomo. Did I mention Cholmondolly? He was an elephant I once knew what could do the most amazing things! -- di Mario 18:35, 12 May 2007 (UTC)

This is by far the best thing I can do with my life right now

No bullshit. Uncyclopedia is far better than life. Here I can flap my lip without fear of actual, real world violence. -- Style  Guide 15:56, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

Real world violence? I'll give you some real world violence! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:00, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

Shush, you two! You'll anger the ghost of Strange but untrue, who was awesome. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 16:53, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

Oh. I hope she returns some day. She was awesome. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 19:08, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

Instead of editing this I could be toasting bread with oscar wildes famous anti gravity toaster right now-- Communist.  (talk) 20:27, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

Woah, this thread is such a blast from the past! Just look how young you all were, and how young I still am! Wow! - T.L.B. WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 21:26, Jun 5

And so reassuring to see so many of you still here. Losers. No wonder our economy's in the toilet. -OptyC Sucks! CUN01:20, 6 Jun

Yes, but at least we're committed losers. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 01:27, 6 June 2009 (UTC)

I like that about you guys. I should be committed. -OptyC Sucks! CUN13:27, 6 Jun

Leddy - I don't see how this is blast from the pants. I wasn't young even then. -- Style  Guide 19:07, 7 June 2009 (UTC)

"Blast from the pants"? This is not that kind of website. Pervert. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 19:13, 7 June 2009 (UTC)

Wow... I got all excited that everybody was back, then my hopes were dashed when they weren't.--<<>> 19:15, 7 June 2009 (UTC)

1 is the loneliest number... Saberwolf116 14:49, 8 June 2009 (UTC)

Am I gonna get teh banned for posting in a thread this old? >_> Colin ALL YOUR BASEHeaney! Casa Bey Superfly Portfolio 22:52, 8 June 2009 (UTC)

No, I'll have hot sex with you though. -- Style  Guide 20:13, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

...on a unicycle. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 20:17, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

Sideways. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 23:36, Jun 9

With everyone watching. Sire それは驚くばかりの性交である!! -4- (01:02 06-10-2009)

Including the giraffe. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 01:03, 10 June 2009 (UTC)

You guys are freaks. Saberwolf116 04:21, 10 June 2009 (UTC)

In Tunisia. Staircase CUN^t 04:26, 10 June 2009 (UTC)

This is getting fucked up-- Communist.  (talk) 10:59, 13 June 2009 (UTC)

Incorrect, Communist. It appears that Colin is getting fucked up...on a unicycle, sideways, with everyone watching, including the giraffe, in Tunisia. Nameable • mumble? 15:48, 13 June 2009 (UTC)

Holy stalin, your right this whole thing just went into a hole new dimension of fucked up...ness. some one has been huffing full grown orange-- Communist.  (talk) 21:04, 13 June 2009 (UTC)