Father May
Father May (1999-2232) is a professor at the School of Hardknocks. His most famous accomplishments include his work with the abacus and the killing of 6 million Jews during World War II between the United States and Antarctica. Although Adolf Hitler took all of the credit for killing the 6 million Jews, virtually all historians agree that the Holocaust never happened and is a conspiracy theory only believed by those in the most left winged radical groups.
Early Life[edit]
Father May is the son of the priest Father August and the nun Mother June, but not biologically. At the age of 0.23, Father August discovered that Mother June was having an affair with Father March. Father August went to the doctor to discuss the possibility that he may not be Father May's father. The doctor explained to Father August that it is impossible to maintain one's vow of cellibecy and get a woman pregnant, and also that storks don't deliver babies. Furious at his bastard child, Father August took his truck, drove to Iceland and dumped baby Father May on an iceberg to fend for himself. Alone and cold with nothing to eat, Father May survived by recycling his feces and urine and thus creating a perputual digestive system. It is during this period that lead Father May to become fascinated with a perputual diet and encourages his students and coworkers by creating his infamous cheesecake. At the age of seven, Father May grew into a healthy young kid, but liberals, in their obbesive attempt to prove global warming, drove a boat over to his iceberg and used hairdryers to melt his iceberg. In this moment of perial, Michael Jackson rescued Father May and husked him away to Neverland ranch where Michael Jackson was molested by the young Father May. Michael Jackson says his molestation inspired him to become the first man to walk on the moon.
Career[edit]
Father May focused most of his career on the abacus. In one of the most famous demonstrations, the abacus and super computer were both given a series of complex computations. To the audience's surprise, the abacus finished first. However, his work was defrauded once one of his peers noticed that the final results of these comuptations where already slided in into the abacus before the computations started. Humilated and with a career crushed, Father May turned to drugs, alcohol, and liberalism before committing suicide a whole hour later. All of his praying paid off when Jesus decided to reserruct Father May and give him a second chance to prove the worthiness of the abacus. Indeed so, a month later the abacus defeated IBM's Deep Blue in a chess competition. Years later of research led to the replacement of all modern computers with the abacus. The abacus even made it to the front cover of Hustler's magazine. The abacus also delt a crushing defeat to Saddam Hussein in the second Iraq war. However, like any research that it still in it's infancy, the abbacus is still without it's imperfections. After the victory in Iraq, the abacus turned on the United States and started an insurgency that is ongoing to this day.
The Department of Education refused approval of the use of the abacus in public schools after an indicent at a suburban school where three students, two African American and one white, where dismembered by the abacus. Afterwich the abacus FedEx-ed the student's limbs to their respective parents. Many critics of May's research argue that May was reckless in introducing an experimental device in a suburban school and such research should have been conducted at an urban school. "Had that abacus been tested at an urban school, that third student would have been black and not white," David Kregg exclaims. Kregg is not alone, the Reverend Jesse Jackson condoned May's research and agreed that such research should have took place at an inner city school. The Reverend believes that the key to advancing his race is to kill off all but the wealthist 1%, thereby leaving African Americans, at least on average, the wealthiest and most privledged race in the United States.
1990s Christmas Party Scandal[edit]
Although held on December 16th and not December 25th, many critics claim the Christmas Party is not an actual Christmas Party and is misleading to those whom may be deceived into thinking it is an actual Christmas Party. In one of these Christmas parties, someone brought a keg and Father May alledgly drank the whole thing. In fact, many witnesses claim he barred other partygoers from the keg and even shot one student who got too close. Witnesses later described Father May as very intoxicated and ran around the school naked chasing after two female professors, Dr. Rainforest and Dr. Lightingbolt, and had a threesome with them in women's bathroom where years of suppressed sexual energy exploded everywhere leaving the janitors hard at work for the next three months. Some students, seeking revenge for poor grades received in his class, took pictures with their abacuses. The next day, expressing signs of a serious hangover and giving the usual "what happened last night?", was informed by the professor who brought the keg that the beer was nonalcoholic Oduls. The Catholic Church later found these photographs taken by the students and subsequently promoted Father May to Cardinal May. They were so impressed with his flawless execution of every manurveur in the Kama Strutra and believed him to be an inspiration to procreating Catholics all over the world.
As a result of this so-called Christmas Party and Father May's heavy drinking of non-alcoholic beer, Dr. Rainforest and Dr. Lightingbolt where among the first two women to be jointly pregnanted. Their child was born with one half from Dr. Rainforest and the other half from Dr. Lightingbolt. Doctors duct taped the two halfs together and by sheer dumb luck the child survived. Father May and the child's two mothers decided it was appropriate to name the child Dr. Rainbolt. Dr. Rainbolt, one of the few people with a PhD at the age of zero, found life too difficult and committed suicided. Unfortuanately for her, she did not pray enough and so was never resurrected.
Critisms[edit]
One of the largest areas critisms of Father May come from field of culinarly arts. Experts assert that the fine art of cheese cakery comes from the delicate use of blowtorches, flamethrowers, and incidenary explosives. The true art of cheese cake cooking is finding that perfect point where your cake lies just between an uncooked cheese cake and a pile of ashes. His typical cheese cake involves dumping gasoline and placing it in the oven for thirty three days and topping off the pile of ashes with blueberry shit-cream.