Elections in Canada
“Seen from afar, what’s Canada exactly? Bilingual United States.”
“Candian ELECTIONS? I thought it said erections.”
Elections in Canada happen every 5 years, or whenever someone in the government gets annoyed and decides to call an election. Elections are done by way of secret ballots, whereby voters are made to stand in line for hours so that they may tick a small piece of paper and stuff it in a box. Originally the votes were counted by monkeys, but in an attempt to promote Canadianism these were replaced by beavers. The beavers count the ballots and then decide who will be the next government. This is how the Conservative government was voted in instead of the Uncyclopediac Party of Canada. The most recent Canadian election took place at any random Tim Hortons on May 2, 2011. 60% of Canada got "Please Play Again" when voting.
In case of a tie, or some other mathematical thing, the political parties engage in the Ancient Candanian sport of Curling, which consists of drunken men throwing things (such as pancakes or polar bears) down a sheet of ice.
An Intro To Canadian Politics
Canadians are all split into ridings. A riding is an group of people that ride on the waves of political trends, or ride each other, or both. In Central Canada, these waves (or recreations) often must be created by way of artificial means, such as the government ignoring the Central Provinces, which creates discontent in the Central provinces, which convinces them to vote for whoever is not in office. This discontent for the present government generally backfires, however, because in the West B.C. will never do what Alberta is doing, and the Eastern provinces find it a totally unfashionable to do anything Central Canada is doing. It is in fact a brilliant scheme by the elected government.
The slide into democracy was a very long on. No one is quite sure when the slide started, but it ended on April 12th, 1912, when people heard about the horrible disaster of the Titanic and decided that only the Canadian government could provide the world with proper seafaring laws.
The Electoral System
The Canadian Electoral System is divided into ridings that are conveniently created so that whoever is in power will stay in power. For instance, if a town is mostly NDP (Newer, Deeper Party) the town ridings will be split down the centre and combined with a strong Con (Liberal) riding or a strong Cons riding (Conservative). This also means that occasionally, someone will make it in that isn't with any party. These sad loners don't get to play with anyone, and so become like Bill Gates, only without the riches or the money.
Don't be fooled, just because the groups that politicians associate themselves with are called "parties", they are not considered to be the fun kind of parties. These are groups that are essentially criminal organizations that tend to steal money from the public to practice witch craft or thinking of ways to anger people even more.
The "parties" include:
- Regressive Conservatives - A religious organization that is fueled by the hatred of same sex marriage and minority rights.
- Liberanos - Canada's largest mafia run by mobsters.
- New Whinocrats - An organization made up of people who believe that abortion and same sex marriage should be mandatory for every person.
- Bloc(head) Quebecois - A mixture of Liberanos and Conservatives who want to separate from Canada by dropping nuclear weapons on the rest of Canada.
- The Greenies - A political party made up of former New Whinocrats who believe in legalizing marijuana and saving the environment at any cost.
While the five above parties are the only parties that will ever have a chance of winning a single seat, there are dozens of fringe parties aimed to specific groups. Here is a list of some of the parties that are currently registered with Elections Canada:
- The Conservative Party of Canada - Widely considered a joke party, the advocate things like the "free market" and "banning gay marriage"...seriously, like what the f%@*!!!
- Western Block Party - A hardcore right-wing Albertan based separation party headed by King Ralph and That guy with the cowboy hat. Their goals are to have Alberta separate from Canada, ban gay people and complain that Quebec sucks.
- Marijuana Party - Group of 30-something year old university dropouts who smoke marijuana all the time and live in their parents basements.
- Christian Heritage Party - A group made up of lunatic religious extremists who are former Reform/Conservative Party members, but Harper did not keep his religious promises that they wanted, so they formed this party to banish same sex marriage at any costs, even through military force.
- PETA Party of Canada - Pro-animal rights party that believes in the banishing of the murder, eating, and touching of all animals, including cattle and beavers. The party leader is Pamela Anderson.
- Hooker Party of Canada - A party that encourages casual sex for all Canadians, the removal of an age of concent, and the legalization of Prostitution.
- Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada - A party made up of former-Soviet spies who are planning to overthrow democracy in Canada, force every Canadian to learn the Russian language, drive 1940s style tractors and use the Russian reversal in daily conversation.
Canadian politicians are very modest and kind creatures. They hate to have their photograph taken, in case their posed photo-ops may be used to win unfair support. Cameras make them nervous, zoologists note, and hiding to photograph this reclusive group while in its natural habitat is imperative. In fact, pictures of politicians are so rare that none could be obtained for this article. The most modest of politicians are always the Conservatives, who never even think of posing for even the most humble of photos unless it the wish of a young child or very old person.
The main politicians in the 2006 Elections include Jack Layton, who, although having some good policies, totally goes counter-culture and is one of the few politicians with a mustache; Paul Martin, not be confused with Steve Martin, although they can be just as funny; Stephen Harper, who was born in Toronto but was crazy enough to move to Alberta for his education, presumably because he was teased about his "Fine Albertian Politics"; and finally, Gilles Duceppe, a Canadian who speaks French and, while sound on policy, likes to mess things up by threatening to steal Quebec if his demands for the legalization of poutine and other fine French cuisine is not met. There is also a dippy guy who likes to splut pies into people's faces, name of Jack Cretin.
For the possible 2007 federal election, there are two new federal party leaders. For the Liberal Party, Celine Dion's brother named Stephane Dion, who promises to force Canada to abide by the Kyoto Protocol as well as force the fellow G8 nations to abide by it at any cost. For the Green Party, it is a hippy by the name of Elizabeth May who believes in the banning of cutting down trees, so reuse old cardboard and toilet paper instead.
The Voting Public
The Canadian Voting Public is a very forgiving bunch. They never vote out of spite and always go by the core beliefs, not splashy controversies and mistakes. The exception to this is the province of B.C., whose only concern is the legalization of pot, and P.E.I, whose only concern is making sure that every village, town, and city in Canada has a year-round production of Anne of Green Gables being performed.
The Greatest Politician
It is agreed by most scholars and all scientists that the greatest politician in the history of humankind was Kim Campbell. Her reign over Canada was cut short in 1993 when Bill Clinton asked her to "limbo in the Oval Office" (decorated in mud and against Monica Lewinsky). She resigned out of the knowledge that no other politician in the world was as moral or as great as she.
The second greatest politician is Pierre Garry "Doonesbury" Trudeau for his work in alienating Americans while cozying up to the French. This led to Canada, for a short time the 1980's, being considered a French nation; and during this period, Quebec was born. Before the 1980's, Quebec had been known as Kwa Beck, named after the mating call of the ducks which resided in Quebec before people took over. In 1983, Kwa Beck's name was officially changed to Quebec, and French was to be spoken there all the time, except when you wanted to annoy the locals, in which case English was spoken.
Side Issues about Quebec
Two of the current leading politicians in the 2006 Elections are from Quebec. One, Jack Layton, has chosen to stay with the traditional way of Quebec-one of unity, peace, and hippie love between the Frenchish and English Canadians, and indeed all the citizens of the world. The other, Giles Duceppe, has chosen a different path, one of creating a powerful French empire in Canada, where the legalization of French food and the banning of all British food except friend potato chips is the first main task.
Western Alienation began in 1993 with the TV series "X-FIles". The Western Province of BC was soon teeming with various alien-themed TV shows, mini-series, and movies. Ontario, long known the be the biggest Canadian movie hotspot, was outraged, and started to ignore B.C. This led B.C. to feel alienated, and thus, Western Alienation began.
Reasons why Canada is indivisible and Québec isn’t more distinct than any of its parts
“Think big, sti!”
Caution: The following might not seem funny to unilingual English-speakers, namely Canadians, Americans, or British. Proceed only if you are bilingual, that is to say Quebecer, Acadian, Franco-Manitoban, Franco-Ontarian, and so on. Regular Ontarians should also look for an official bilingual mention on their secondary school diploma.
- If Québec separated, its economy would fall from a comfortable 9th place to a so low 17th place among the world’s some 200 countries, making life unbearable for those poor Quebecers.
- Québec being a burden to Canada’s economy, it would be bad for Canada if Québec separated.
- All-Canadian events always feature big stars from all provinces, even from Québec, with celebrities such as Sonia Benezra, and… that should be enough for them anyway, eh? After all, her last appearance in Québec must have occurred less than 20 years ago.
- Bon cop, bad cop is just the movie that proves Canada is a bilingual country, provided there are appropriate subtitles.
- Canada needs a strong central government in order to protect its minorities rights, which can only be done by the Conservatives or a Liberal Party who hesitates over things like gay marriage or assisted suicide. A sovereign Québec would be a danger to human rights, as Québec is well-known to be the less liberal province of all, having no party like the NDP, only things like the Parti Québécois and Québec solidaire (which should be sufficient, considering recent history has proven that Mario Dumont’s Action démocratique du Québec can only get half a dozen seats in the real home of the infamous bluenecks, Quebec City and the Beauce region).
- A sovereign Québec wouldn’t last more than 10 years without…
- ... the Rockies. Quebecers wouldn’t be able to go skiing there anymore, just like it became impossible to them to see the French Alps after 1763.
- ... Alberta’s oil. It is a well-known fact that Québec gets all its oil through Alberta’s pipeline.
- … Canada’s army. Québec, trying to make it on its own, would probably fall prey to its powerful neighbour, the USA, which only Canada’s submarines, lighthouses and rock-throwers have prevented from invading the northernmost part of North America for the last 200 years.
Lastly, a broken-up Canada would be sad for Canadians who would lose their best partner for playing that favourite Anglo-Saxon game, imperialism. Québec, having less than 10,000,000 inhabitants, could at least be considered a terrorist state, just like Sweden or Luxembourg.
Québec, a distinct province?
- While most people in Québec speak French, most people in Manitoba speak English and most people in New Brunswick speak English (the French-speakers there are Acadians, so they don’t count anyway, and the French speakers in Manitoba are all direct descendants of Gabriel Roy and Louis Riel, all 50% of Manitobains, so I don't know).
- While Québec has its own Code civil, Manitoba has its own Common Law and New Brunswick has its own Common Law too.
- In Manitoba, you can cross the street and be sure the cars will stop before you; Newbie drivers are careful about pedestrians; in Québec, you’re sure the driver doesn’t give a damn about you.
- Québec got its Charte des Droits et Libertés in 1976; Manitoba and New Brunswick both got their own Charter in 1982.
- Average Quebecers started being French around the 17th century, then rapidly became Canadians, then French Canadians when their exclusivity on that name was taken away in 1867, and then Quebecers around 1960; in the meantime, the first settlers of New Brunswick and Manitoba were French, then they were replaced by British who somehow became Canadians when they realised, centuries later, they weren’t in Great Britain anymore. But there IS a difference between Manitoba and New Brunswick: the replacement of the French in New Brunswick was made by way of deportation, while in Manitoba they killed them.
- In Manitoba, kids grow up watching Degrassi Junior High, while in Québec they grow up watching Watatatow; as for New Brunswick, it’s Degrassi Junior High.
You are Canadian if…
Those all-Canadian characteristics were mostly taken from the Canadian World Domination Headquarters, along with a few edits by the author, who would like nonetheless to congratulate those people at the CWDH for their hard work in defining that elusive, almost mythical thing called Canadian Identity.
You are most probably Canadian if...
- … you have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (not Maurice and Richard, even though that’d make more sense, that’s not what we’re talking about here).
- … you know the French words for free, prize, beer and no sugar added (but nothing more).
- … you think Peter Mansbridge is sexy (which translates, of course, as Bernard Derome in French).
- … you end all sentences with eh? (in Québec you would say hein?, but that’s a negligible difference).
- … you sincerely believe it’s cool that the O Canada was translated in French, so it could be sung in both official languages. Yet you usually sing the other national anthem, the Hockey Night in Canada song, instead.
- ... you actually know that O Canada was translated into English, not French, as the French version was first. Unlike the American who wrote the above.
- … you know the ingredients for poutine (even though you don’t actually eat it, eh?).
- ... you know that Molson Canadian isn't actually Canadian anymore, and it's swill, yet you still drink it, while wearing free hockey merchandise you got from buying a two four.
- ... you play the Pierre McGuire drinking game.
- … all other sorts of things I don’t know, as I am not myself Canadian.
A while ago, there was some fad called Social Credit, which involved mixing credit cards with gold and making everyone fall asleep with long-winded fiscal speeches. Apparently, the mixing of credit cards with gold led to everything getting too expensive, including being bored to death, so Social Credit is no longer popular. Most of the members of the party became Reform Party members after going bankrupt in the early 1990s.
- Our Lady Peace, a Canadian band that gets involved in politics
- Barenaked Ladies are known for wearing NDP-style brown clothes and fake moustaches to support Jack Layton during each election campaign
- U2, whose lead singer, Bono, dislikes Paul Martin because Paul Martin is much hotter than Bono
- ^ What Canadians won’t tell you is that, most of all, they are afraid, by losing Québec, of losing the single most important source of maple syrup in the world, which doesn’t grow as well in Alberta or Newfieland, unfortunately.