Our Lady Peace
"Yo' momma's OUR Lady Peace.......in BED!!11!1eleven11. Awwwwwww yeah!"
~ Raine Maida after castration, c. 1999
Our Lady Peace is a Canadian religious organization that also happens to play a little music now and then. The band was formed in 1902 A.D. by Michael "Raine" Maida, Raine "Mike" Turner, Jeremy "Mike Turner" Taggart and Duncan "Jesus-fucking-Lizard to You" Coutts. They were once considered bigger than Canadian Jesus. They continue to exist to this day though no one really cares.
The first album with birds on an old naked guy with a nipple ring on the cover became an instant hit among the canadian fetish crowd and Robert Plant. It has been re-released so many times the band is still touring for it. It's most recent re-issue was titled Burn Burn.
- 1. "The Skirtman" - 5:12
- 2. "Troopersatilite" - 3:44
- 3. "Dustseed" - 4:07
- 4. "Pope" - 5:15
- 5. "Bad Weed" - 5:51
- 6. "Shirty Stalls" - 3:46
- 7. "Senile" - 5:00
- 8. "Is It Cake?" - 3:48
- 9. "Shoolia" - 3:59
- 10. "Under Xena-ith" - 3:45
- 11. "Neon Offspring" - 3:11
The Clumsy Epoch
After touring for a few years, the band released their CD "Clumsy", named after Raine's habit of falling off stages. Their hit "Automatic Flowers" was written after Jeremy got lost in a book store without his glasses and ended up in the kids section of the store. The CD was so popular among Canadians and Americans that it ushered in a 1000-year era of Canadian/American peace and harmony, quickly ended during the administration of the disembodied head of George W. Bush, who bombed Nunavut in an effort to find the province's Lucky Charms.
The Clumsy Epoch
Following the success of Naveed, Raine had a swell idea to make an album after his stage falls. He called the album Clumsy.
Found in ancient ruins, this is the track listing.
- 1. "Superman's Shed" 4:16
- 2. "Automatic Showers" 4:05
- 3. "Barnicle" 4:48
- 4. "Big Fun Bucket" 4:23
- 5. "3am (Matchbox 20 cover)" 4:17
- 6. "Faking" 3:37
- 7. "Clumsy Rum-sy" 4:29
- 8. "Goodbye Oscar" 3:03
- 9. "Let You Drown" 3:53
- 10. "The Story of 100 Files" 3:45
- 11. "Plane Crash" 5:07
Happiness... Is Not A Bitch That You Can Catch
Ahh, now this was a good CD, their 2nd number one, Clumsy being the 1st because America will listen to anything.
Here are the tracks.
- 1. "One Man Orgy" 3:22
- 2. "Happiness & the Bitch" 3:34
- 3. "Rotato Girl" 4:27
- 4. "Fist-her" 3:57
- 5. "Is Anybody Stoned?" 3:37
- 6. "Shaven" 3:32
- 7. "Thief (I Stole Her)" 4:01
- 8. "Laying Awake" 4:02
- 9. "Handie Annie" 4:02
- 10. "Consequence of Splashing" 3:16
- 11. "Feeling Babies" feat. Michael Jackson 5:30
The Jurassic Epoch
This is not a chapter in Our Lady Peace's history. It was just a nice transition. At least I think so.
Dinosaurs are fluffy.
There was a Russian Reversal in this article before...kind of like how the dinosaurs used to be here.
All of these things died.
So it goes.
I just want to know when Uncyclopedia got "standards."
Whatever. Next section:
Spiritual Machines: ALL HAIL MACHINE OVERLORDS!!!
Fans of Our Lady Peace next had to endure "Spiritual Machines" (originally titled OKanada Computer), which included the music video for "Life", which meant watching Raine Maida sing with, according to Ed the Sock, what looked like bird crap in his hair.
Make no mistake though...the machines are becoming intelligent and will some day turn against us all...
Oh yeah, and the album was okay. There's this one hidden track at the end consisting of a guy talking to this robot-voiced chick that he's apparently in love with. I jacked off to it because I have a total fantasy about robot sex. I know it's disgusting, but I couldn't help it. Robot sex is hot. So hot.
Paris Hilton is a robot, watching her have sex is hot, case in point. This has no real relevance to this article though, so let's move on.
The end point for guitarist Mike Turner though, who had already caught a nasty cold during the shooting of the music video "Thief", was when Our Lady Peace recorded a song for wrestler Christ Benoit. Mike, a hardcore fan of The Rock, was disgusted, and left the band as soon as he could. OLP's original producer also left in disgust, as he was a Kane fan.
Anyways, the tracklisting had shit and cum jokes just like the last 3, accept the U S GAY was getting tired of cum, rape and poop jokes, but don't worry a few years later they get back into it, this was just the Y2K Phaze.
The guy who was forced at gunpoint to do some stupid introductions to most of the songs, he will only be refered to as "R.K." because he would like to remain anonymous.
- 1. "R.K. Wants To Fuck Your Mom" 0:06
- 2. "Right Behind You (Buttsecks)" 3:14
- 3. "R.K. Has ED" 0:15
- 4. "Pubic Hair" 3:58
- 5. "Life (Ode to The Cereal)" 4:23
- 6. "Middle of Sex Today" 3:54
- 7. "I Raped Dad!" 5:08
- 8. "R.K. 1898 (Part 2)" 0:12
- 9. "Made to Squeal" 3:47
- 10. "R.K. Hates God" 0:44
- 11. "I Just Fucked A Monkey" 3:38
- 12. "R.K. on Your Mom" 0:39
- 13. "My Boyfriends" 3:37
- 14. "If You Will Cum" 3:35
- 15. "The Wonderfull-of-cum Ass" 20:00
"The Wonderfull-of-cum-ass" ends at 4:30, and is followed by roughly 12 minutes of Raine Maida yelling at his bandmates for fucking up a chord and he realizes the tape is still on but he is too lazy to erase it. After this yelling is a hidden conversation between R.K. and the police and how he is planning to sue the band for rape, sodomy, kidnapping, attempted murder and extortion.
Ah, wasn't this a materpiece, when U S GAY got ever 9/11 this was the first album in history to return the cuntry to loving shit, cum, rape and jizz jokes. The best part of the CD? ITS ALL SHIT JOKES!
- 1. "All For Poo" 4:14
- 2. "Do You Like Shit" 3:58
- 3. "Someone Shit There" 4:11
- 4. "Inno-shit" 3:42
- 5. "Made of Shit" 3:41
- 6. "Shit Enough" 4:33
- 7. "Burn My Hole (The Burrito Night Chronicals)" 4:20
- 8. "Shitty" 3:18
- 9. "Bring Back the Shit" 5:11
- 10. "A Story About a Poop" 4:18
Gravity and the Live album: Heavy Stuff, Much Like Your Girlfriend
For OLP's next CD, "Gravity", Mike Turner mysteriously disappeared and has not been found to this day, possibly offed by Maida. To replace him, singer and Katzenclavier player Steve Mazur was brought in, but was relegated to playing guitar. Bob Rock produced the CD, which was good. However, it was so good that OLP lost all the willpower to write or even play their own instruments, leaving Bob to do it all himself and giving the album a notably different, almost listenable sound. In any case, the CD marked turbulent times for the band.
"Gravity" was primarily known for its hit single, "Somewhere Out There," written about Raine's secret obsession with wanting to dress and act like Fievel from "An American Tail." Uncyclopedia should have made a page on "An American Tail", but they didn't. A message to Uncyclopedia editors: MAKE ONE (I'm sure you have some good Jewish jokes). The song quickly became a concert favorite of pre-teen girls who would rush to the front of the stage to sing along with it. Just to be funny, the band would follow the song with a harder and faster-paced song, which usually led to the pre-teen girls being swallowed up by moshers, drug dealers, and giant squid, all of whom tend to be dedicated fans of the band. In early 2003, 2,463,169 pre-teen girls were lost in an Our Lady Peace concert in Winnipeg, where a giant squid convention happened to be going on at the same time. The band expressed regret about the incident and issued a formal apology, which no one could understand because it was in Canadian.
After "Gravity," the band released a live CD taken from recorded shows in Montreal, Uranus, and Hell. Mixing the album was particularly difficult because of all the tormented wailing going on in the background during the Hell shows. Regardless, the album is generally considered Our Lady Peace's best, and is still a favorite of Satan's, who, after one of the 3 Hell shows, bought the entire OLP album collection as a replacement for his Marilyn Manson collection (it is a well-established fact that Satan and Marilyn Manson have not been on good terms since Manson fired him as his music video director in 2000). Despite Satan's repeated pleas, however, OLP remained non-committal about a possible music video directed by Satan, namely because of Satan's contract demands that Raine's new son Rowan be adopted by Satan to become the new unholy ruler of Earth. Raine has repeatedly denied this rumor in interviews, stating instead that Satan is "not metal enough" for the band's artistic direction.
Healthy in Paranoid Times: Aren't We All?
After the live CD, the band spent several years trying to sing lullabies for Raine Maida and his wife, Chantal Kreviazuk's, baby. The best they could come up with was the song, "Where Are You?" which was composed after a game of peek-a-boo with the couple's sons. The song is artistically uninspiring though, as the lyrics following every refrain are, "There you is! There you is!" Likewise, Raine pondered weak and weary, and he eventually came up with "Will The Future Blame Us?" However, this song is also artistically uninspiring because it just asks over and over whether the future really will blame the almighty and omnipotent "us," and the answer is always, "YA RLY."
Reportedly the band recorded over 17,000 songs during the sessions and nearly broke up after multiple drunken hissy-fits and thumb wrestling matches. At the time, Raine claimed they were the best set of songs he had ever heard in his life but through an unfortunate turn of events, all but the twelve shittiest tunes from these sessions were destroyed in a bizarre gardening accident. But the music still was definitely the best it'd been since the Clumsy Epoch, so Raine put these and other songs on the CD "Healthy in Paranoid Times". It's likely their best album yet, and you're a GOD DAMNED HOSER!!! if you disagree.
Disagreement is fascist kids, remember that.
A Decade: When a Decade is Not Really a Decade, But a Greatest Hits Album Instead
Healthy in Paranoid Times took a lot out of Our Lady Peace, so much so that the band almost broke up. However, the band sought therapy with the help of the Gallagher brothers from Oasis. In the process, many good Canadian beer bottles were lost, many gallons of vodka were chugged, and much hockey rioting was done by giant squid, but the band stayed together. After the therapy, the band agreed that their relationship was not THAT bad, that one cover of a Beatles song that they did was not THAT good, and in any case, no one could understand just what the fuck the Gallagher brothers were saying. The band did, however, try to look up that chick that starred in The Craft just to see what she was doing these days, and...well, not much. She's...not...doing...uh... much work. Wasn't she in Swimfan or something? Did anyone like, watch that movie?
Anyway, as a symbol of goodwill to the rest of the music world and as a sign of their continued dedication to non-sensicality, Our Lady Peace released "A Decade," which was supposed to celebrate their twelve or thirteen years of being together with a greatest hits album composed of songs from the past 12 or 13 years. Because you know what? We real Our Lady Peace fans who waited a good long three years for new Our Lady Peace music? Yeah, that's what we wanted. A fucking GREATEST HITS ALBUM. Upon hearing about the release of the record, Barenaked Ladies scoffed, snorted some more coke, and listened to "Box Set" again.
Okay, it had two new songs on it, including "Kiss On The Mouth," which became a huge hit in the US and Canada. The band thought up the song after a giant 14-person orgy and, um...yeah, there was some kissing on the "mouth" going on. Now, I know what you're thinking: were giant squid involved? The answer, of course, is yes. And there were some porn stars too. Real ones. That's not important though. The important thing is how the album did on the music charts. It did...do we have any info on that? No? Fuck it, go to the next section.
I Wear the Headdress: That Guy From the Cover of "Healthy" Wears a Headdress
- 1. "Devils/Gaining/Sleep" 4:31
- 2. "The Future Will Shave Us" 4:26
- 3. "Sliture" 3:35
- 4. "Wear are Touque?" 4:06
- 5. "Smack That Pile Off Your Face" 4:24
- 6. "Love and Thrust" 3:21
- 7. "Soy" 4:35
- 8. "Apology (Sorry For Taping You)" 3:46
- 9. "The World on a Ding" 3:25
- 10. "Don't Pop" 3:45
- 11. "Running in Ovals" 3:33
- 12. "Aunt Jemima (Leave the Heat On)" 2:14
Burn Burn: We're Out of Ideas, So We're Calling It "Cum Cum" Like a 5th Grader Instead
Rather than put something clever here, and not being sure how much longer Our Lady Peace is going to be around so that we CAN put something clever here, we're going to resort to what you've all really been waiting for: penis, sperm, and poop jokes.
Wait, didn't we just say something about not throwing poop jokes around in the last section? Shit. Oh well. Enjoy!
The New track listing to their album "Turn Turn"
- All You Did Was Shave My Wife
- Monkey Sprains
- The Start Is Where We End
- The Tardis
- Never Get Over the Loo
- White Bags
- Paper Spoon
- Slime Bomb
- The White Stuff
Curve: The little boxer who could.
No. Title Notes Length
- 1. "Disallowance"
- 2. "Water in the Henhouse"
- 3. "Lightweight"
- 4. "Aisle Seat"
- 5. "As Slow As You Can"
- 6. "Is This A Zit?"
- 7. "Will Someone Change"
- 8. "Find Our Hay"
- 9. "Bunnies"
- 10. "Pedal"
Naveed...OR How I Learned To Stop Whining And Love the Birdman (1995)
Clumsy...OR Shit, Why Do I Keep Falling Off The Stage? (1997)
Happiness Is Not A Fish That You Can Catch...OR How Jeremy Learned Not To Unilaterally Invade Iraq (1999)
Spiritual Machines...OR Please Don't Kill Me, Mr. Robot, Sir! (2000)
Gravity...OR The Miseducation of Our Lady Peace (2002)
Live...OR Contractual Obligations Suck (2003)
Healthy In Paranoid Times...OR How To Drive Your Fans Crazy By Not Releasing An Original New Album For Nearly Four Years and Then It Sucks When You Finally Do (2005)
A Decade...OR $14 US (5 Loons Canadian) for Two New Songs (2006)
I Wear The Headdress...OR I Wear The Headdress (2007)
Cum Cum...OR Burn Burn...OR...Something (2009)
"The "CURVE"d Cock" (2012)