Death Valley
“It's not that hot”
Death Valley is one of the world's fanciest inverted mountains, which is often confused with a valley for some reason.
Climate[edit]
The temperature of Death Valley usually exceeds the boiling point of dihydrogen monoxide and melting point of brie which is about 300˚C, especially in the good old summertime. During the monsoon season, a single drop of life-giving rain falls on 37 billion square miles of parched dead ground, making absolutely no difference whatsoever.
History[edit]
Ownership[edit]
Since the dawn of time, California and Nevada have fought many bloody wars over who owns Death Valley. California says Nevada does; Nevada has responded through court papers asserting California to be a big dumb jerk, a doody-head with a little girly man for a governor and they can take their fucking God-forsaken wilderness and put it up their Owens Valley. Arizona chose not take our calls and could not be reached for comment.
Exploration[edit]
Since the dawn of time, Man has dreamed of climbing to the very bottom of Death Valley, but nobody knows why.
After many centuries of failed and disastrous attempts, the bottom was finally reached by the famous explorer Admiral "Clarence" Birdseye in 1903. The large party of sherpa guides that tagged along with the Birdseye expedition proved to be of no help whatsoever, so they all died of shame and hyperthermia (in that order). The plucky Admiral pressed onwards all by himself, until he confirmed with his GPS transceiver that he had indeed reached his elusive goal.
Soon after planting the Star Spattered Bangle in the very bottom of Death Valley and pledging his allegiance to it and posing heroically for National Geographic, Admiral Birdseye got lost in a blizzard of poisonous scorpions and was forced to eat his entire team of Yukon huskies, five of his own major and minor limbs, and a bland frozen TV dinner just to survive the harsh autumn sunshine.
A misnomer[edit]
Death Valley does not really have any death in its modern history. On Sundays a man in a brightly colored bunny suit goes around supplying the cheerful abundant wildlife of the Valley with hand-painted marshmallows.
Calling it Death Valley is often a misnomer as no one has died there. In fact while in Death Valley, everyone is immortal. This has lead to murders who just can't deal with the guilt of killing people to locate there.
Flora and fauna[edit]
| Flora and fauna of Death Valley | |
|---|---|
| FLORA &/OR FAUNA: | STATUS AS OF 2024: |
| Death Valley polar bear | extinct |
| Death Valley water buffalo | extinct |
| Death Valley watermelon | extinct |
| Death Valley cactus | present and accounted for |
| The Grim Reaper | endangered |
| Bartlett's Thesaurus | deleted |
| Death Valley heat-resistant cockroach | endangered |
| Death Valley flying scorpion | plentiful |
| Death Valley buzzard vulture | extinct |
| Death Valley bleached skeleton | endangered |
| Death Valley girl | OMG, like, fer sher |
| Frankie "Death" Valli | extinct |
| Rudy "Death" Valli | extinct |
| How Green was my "Death" Valli | extinct |
| Lifeless volcanic ash | still thriving |