Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants
"A book of almost homosexual epic gravity that could win multiple awards"
- ~Nobel
"Much better then "The Secret" in realism.... then again what book isnt?"
- ~Anyone on the Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants
"Oh you f@#!ers"
- ~Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants response to Brotherhood of The Traveling Pants
"In Soviet Russia, Pants wear YOU!!!"
- ~Russian Reversal on the Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants
Brotherhood of The Traveling Pants is a book based on the real adventures of a couple of medilsome kids simply trying to discover friendship, love, purity, and what it means to be a man. Much like Brokeback Mountain it raises emotions to a higher level. Although not widely known everyone who reads it becomes enticed to describe the adventures, and encourages fellow readers for future generations. It has sold over 200,000 copies and translated into 10 languages around the world. North Korea has even allowed its citizens limited access to the book but has claimed it has taken out all references to homosexuality (this is in question because the entire book would arguably have to be deleted).
The Story Of The Brotherhood Of The Traveling Pants[edit]
Back Story[edit]
Generations of guys have come together and worn these pants together before. but discord was sown in the last generation, 1,000 years ago and the pants were torn. However, upon realizing in horror what they had done the group reformed. They studied paganism and used its powers to reincarnate the pants into a new form that would change through time and be invincible, and then sent it to the future.
Chapter 1- Friends United[edit]
In the very beginning of this book a series of boys meet up for the first time through a series of overly complicated coincidences equivalent to "so my friend knows a guy who met my cousins uncle's room mate's half sister's father's grandma's ex drama teacher who had six sisters all named sue and born at the same time associated with a man in a boxing match who once doubled for another guy who met Chuck Norris once". The main characters are introduced in a store first off then see one after the other in a bowling alley, gay bar, school, zombie attack computer generated scenario, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, a Star Trek convention, and on the street. Finally they all meet up in one place and had a beer at James house. They all got so drunk that finally Jewfro pulls out a random pair of pants. He says "I bet you would look so cute in these". Being that they are all wasted beyond belief they are not stricken with homophobia. So they all try on the pants and it fits amazingly.
Chapter 2- Coverup[edit]
After their drunken stupor all the men pass out on a couch together. Unfortunately none of the men are wearing any pants what-so-ever. Throughout the night one friend gets up and spoons the other switching around taking turns in the front. When awaken by the maid at approximately 1:30pm they then are grossly embarased to what they did. In a "brotherly" like vow all of them claim that they will never speak of it again. To ensure this they all kill the maid stuffing her body in a small space between the inner and outer wall then kill the dog, two neighbors, a police man, llama, several Asians, and two men from nasa who were watching them via military grade spy telescopes from space. Yet as the men were going about committing murder more times then Chucky they prolong burning of the pants. None of them can seem to bring them selves to do it (why i dont know).
Chapter 3- INVINCIBLE[edit]
Briefly all of them meet together again for the burning of the pants. They all say something brief about what they remember from that night and try to peice together what happened and who spooned who. After hours of writing in a notebook they discover that pretty much everyone in the room could be labeled gay at that point. this gives them all the more reason to burn the incursed pair of magical pants. Sharpie lights the fire while the rest attempt to tear off the seams of the denim. They soon discover that tearing it is impossible. After throwing it into a fire it is then realized that burning it is impossible. They try a series of different things including stabbing, shanking, kicking, punching, incinerating, ect. till it is discovered that the pants are invincible.
Chapter 4- Repeated Sins[edit]
They all get drunk.... again. Needless to say all of them repeat the activities from the last time all the friends gathered together for a good drink. This time they all came prepared with extra pants. 101 then took a camera out and filmed the entire thing posting it up on youporn.com. In total the video lasted 5 hours long with several segments and intermissions. After being posted the website had so many hits that the sever shut down and had to be restarted.
Chapter 5- Homeward Bound: A Flamboyant Journey[edit]
Waking up after yet ANOTHER drunken stupor, the boys are horrified to find their clothes are no where to be found, give the single pair of magical pants. Thus, each boy is forced to put the pants on, run home half naked, and then mail the pants back to the others house so that another boy can put them on, run home, mail them back, etc. This is due large in part to the fact they are too drunk or hungover to realize that one of them could run home in the pants, change clothes and bring back clothes for all of the others. The entire process takes 20 days as FedEx was about as slow as a retarded turtle with a broken leg
Chapter 6- Origins[edit]
After the discovery that the pants are almost impossible from a chemical point of view, they then attempt to discover at least the origin of the pants. They discover the size of the pants,yet it seems to change size constantly. The tag has been ripped off unfortunately as well as the age of the pants is unknown. They can't get anyone to carbon-date them, and also by looking through the internet they discover it isnt really accurate anyway. It seems to transcend the fashion timeline and can almost morph apparently to the shoes and shirt as well as any accesories making the exact era unknown to even the hosts of "What Not To Wear". In a last attempt to pin down who made the pants and when they make a plan to journey as far and wide as possible... over the internet... they then decide that they will drink to their plan while playing various video games such as Halo, World of Warcraft, and Portal. Yet once again they all get so drunk that they pass out on the couch after a healthy round of Spooning
Chapter 7- Kitten Huffing/Dog Huffing[edit]
When the group finally sobers up and stop ass-raping unicorns in their dreams (which to their horror was actually eachother), they stumble upon a kennel full of dogs whimpering in a corner in Jewfro's closet. Horrified, they realize that Jewfro has commited the taboo, and has become addicted to Dog Huffing. Each member's resolve is temporarily shaken by the idea that the one who bought the pants to them was so corrupted, but eventually, they come together and save him with the only tool they have: The Divine Power of Kitten Huffing. The group force Jewfro to Kitten Huff for hours on end and combine it with bad pictures of dogs getting neutured to the point that Jewfro becomes fearful of anything that barks. This unfortunatly kills the only form of a sex life he had with his girlfriend.
Chapter 8-Not Illegal[edit]
The group visits the hospital in order to make sure that Jewfro is doing well on his road to recovery. While there, they all decide to get themselves tested for STD's as a joke. To their horror, the tests come back and they all discover the terrible truth: That all five of them have testicular cancer. Luckily enough, the story takes place in year 2018, and the cure for cancer has been widely known for years. Congress had finally passed a bill to legalize most currently illegal drugs for the sake of the economy as well as enhancement of medical treatment. All five of them immediately become avid pot smokers. Their health immediately improves significantly as expected by the doctors prescribing them about five pounds of pot per day. Their intelligence remains more or less the same except for Dr. Blackhide whose intelligence raises as he seems desperate in his need to one-up everyone else in the group.
Chapter 9-High Times[edit]
During a smoking circle the group puts the pants on and believe they are tranported to a magical world where they fight crime and dog huffers with the help of their pals Jesus and Dr. Tran. Upon returning, they are astounded at the pants power, and fail to realize they were hallucinating due to being massively majorly humungously massively stoned. They smoked so much that neighbors four doors down the street were starting to get high from the fumes of the smoke. When Dr. Blackhide tries on the pants next, he is unable to go Super Saiyan, so he gets angry and vows to discover the truth behind the pant's origin.
Chapter 10- Revelations[edit]
Once they start investigating looking into wikipedia ancient texts written by senile old fools, they learn that generations of boys have worn these pants together. last generation being 1000 years ago. that last group fell apart due to discord, and in a fight the pants were torn accidentally. When the last boys realized what they had done, they rejoined and learned paganism. They sent their souls to hell in order to reincarnate the pants into a new form that was indestructible and would change by appearance through time. These pants were sent through the ages to the current generation, where the pants sensed the love Jewfro had for his man friends and laid in wait for him to find them.
Chapter 11-But MOM!!!![edit]
The group gets bored and goes back to smoking pot. They run out and decide to bust out the kittens for some old school drug abuse instead. The pants subliminally influence 101 to get in touch with the chairman of Marijuanna Reform, and he offers them a deal to be the symbol for his campaign for complete legalization. They agree and get on a plane to go to Los Angeles, but they are too damn stoned and get lost in a strip club, but according to their hallucination, their plane crashed on an Island and a cloud of smoke that Jewfro blew out through a pipe started chasing them around, although they were aided at times by Fred the magic Polar Bear. At this point, halfway through the book, the boy's sober up and go home to eat dinner, as their parental units would quite like to have a word with them.
Chapter 12-Retribution[edit]
The group finally regroups after a firm scolding from Mommy and Daddy which ends with each respective member running downstairs with their hands soaked in blood, looking at anyone standing there, and quickly saying "Um......We want to go. Now." The group goes to see the museum where other generations of Brotherhood's have recorded their journeys, hidden in the back of a Dry Cleaning facility in China Town. Upon investigating the last generation, they realize that there was another effect of the Pagan Arts performed on the pants besides the sending of the last Brotherhood to hell: The entering into our world of Pokemon abhorred mutant creatures. Upon them discovering this secret Palkia Satan rises up from the sea hell and attacks them. All five members are royally fucked up following an intense battle. In a last ditch effort, with none of them able to conjure the power of flowers and cinnamon anymore, they strip naked and begin to have a gigantic orgy, which blinds the creature and allows them to burn him with the butt of a cigarette, making him cry and run off to Wal-Mart to see if they still have a good deal on Hello Kitty Band-Aids.
Chapter 13- WTF Now?[edit]
After a long week of resting up and watching Oprah, the group smokes some more pot and bathes the underbellies of several lizard's with their tongues, because they had them confused for wizards. They claimed to have mystic powers and would grant them more magic if they licked their feet. Convinced that James could jump up walls even higher he was the first followed by all the others. Dr. Blackhide knew better but just found it all so amusing that he stood back and watched the entire show. With their new found "powers" the group had a fairly violent argument trying to decide who should wear the pants next, they have a vicious game of real-life Halo, at the end of which 101 is shot and has to be taken to the hospital. He gets out with a clean bill of health but is immediately shot again by Dr. Blackhide who thinks respawn kills are funny. He gets out a second time but nobody cares. Sharpie looses the Halo game but jumps around making enough of a scene that they let him wear the pants anyway.
Chapter 14- Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka[edit]
THe group decides that the last eight or so chapters were way too mind-boggling and decide to spoon one another in Dr. Blackhide's basement. The basement has several beds, whips, candles, and soft rock albums. His mom comes home early from a trip to the local all-organic grocery store and catches them but doesn't give a care because she's already seen all 84 of their sex tapes. His mom actually sold the rights to the tapes to a porn company and made a massive profit on it. Jewfro in an attempt to deny renounce his gayness, starts dating Ms. Pacman. The relationship doesnt last long though because he cannot get rid of the pants from his life leaving Ms.Pacman feeling like there is something between them. She catches him cheating with the Brothers on a porn website as well as catches him in the middle of a spooning fest with all the brothers one night.It ends with a nasty fight between them with the brothers staring on in awe.
Chapter 15- You took my candy bar!!!!!!![edit]
A few days later a warp hole opens in James' living room and an alternate version of Sharpie from the future emerges. James was totally stoned and assumed that he walked in and totally missed the fact that a trans-universe worm hole had just appeared infront of him. He isn't much different, but he does have a lip piercing, and apparently at some point between now and the time on the other side of the portal, Sharpie buys a 'Mount and Do Me' T-shirt (Get it? It's a pun... about SEX.) He immediately proceeds to beat the living crap out of 101 and Jewfro, shouting about caramel the whole time. James askes him what happened to him to make him this way. Future replies that there were "too many fucking snakes on that fucking plane", and then leaves. Before he leaves he tells them that in the future Coldplay is actualy good. This prooves to them that either Future Sharpie is a compulsive liar, or they hallucinated the whole thing due to too much pot smoke.
Chapter 16- R'Amen[edit]
The group goes to church after being egged on by Jesus while smoking pot. They go to an evening mass at local nondenominational church. The whole group feels incredibly awkward as they stand up and sit down at all the totally the wrong points. James' bad singing calls all the wrong kind of attention and his apologies backfire even more so. Near the end Dr. Blackhide goes up to receive the body and blood of Christ. He insists that he wants the whole experience of going to church. As he walks up the priest offers him the bread. He holds it in his hand for a second with a shocked look on his face, and then says, "YOU CANNIBALISTS!!!". After this the priest demands that they go to confession. 101 goes into confession first but is kicked out after he mentions that their pants are magic and that they've met Satan while chatting with the priest. They convert to Pastafarianism instead.
Chapter 17- Brownies[edit]
The group goes home to make brownies together using Dr. Blackhide's secret recipe. They hold a bake sale, because they feel bad for Jewfro loosing his girlfriend, so they pass the brownies off as being made by him in the hopes she will appreciate his fine baking skills and come back to him. Everyone is temporarily won over by the group's baked goods and accept them. However, while in the back making another batch, Jewfro hits his head on a metal bar while wearing the pants and the pants power causes him to not only get temporary amnesia, but he looses the ability to speak English, instead only being able to speak some Long dead, useless language This is perfectly fine with the group until a mother raises the question of how the brownie's are made. Turning to Jewfro, he says in his own language that the brownie's are made using Coca-cola, however, translated into English this is the most profane, obscene, morally unconcious remark possible. The consumers revolt and boycott his product just as Ms. pacman shows up to watch. Right around then he gets his ability to speak English and his memory back and takes his anger out by violently spooning the rest of the group.
Chapter 18- The Ultimate Contest of Ultimate Destiny[edit]
The group decides to enter a karaoke contest. Jewfro, in a final attempt to win back Ms. Pacman, doesn't show up for the contest, and instead ens up standing in the rain, in Ms. Pacman's yard, outside her bedroom window, with a boombox, playing a 90's love song and waving his arms back and forth. However, when he doesn't get her attention, he goes into her room and finds her with half-naked and half-way through being fisted.......by the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. He returns to the karaoke bar in time to sing the last song, "Take Me Home Tonight", by Eddie Money, which he sings perfectly. The group comes in dead last because everyone hates them. Jewfro apologizes to the group for putting his interest in a woman above the good of the Brotherhood, and pledges never to stray again. Dr. Blackhide forgives him, but no one else does because everyone knows Dr. Blackhide is a chump, and they would say so out loud, except that he's the one who supplies their weed, and they enjoy smoking it far too much need it to stay alive.
Chapter 19- I gave birth to a chainsaw[edit]
The town's mayor finally gets fed up with the homosexual shenanigans of the group, highly publicized lately during the karaoke contest, bake sale, and on YouPorn.com. He finally decides it's time to extricate them from his town. As such, instead of you know, having them arrested for their multiple counts of murder, sexual deviancy, and disturbances of the peace, he throws together an angry mob complete with pitchforks and torches. The group is innocently smoking pot on a playground when the mob comes, and is forced to run. They would have been killed easily, if not for them being helped by Jesus, who was going through a rebellious phase and decided to disobey his Father's wishes and help the flamboyant homosexual mass orgy misunderstood pitiful group of friends escape. He helps them get away, but is separated from them when God gets angry and sends him to his room. The group is cornered later on when they sneak out to get Slurpees, and they have no choice but to stave off the mob by throwing 101 at them. He is stabbed repeatedly by the mob and left bleeding to death in the street. Once the mob runs away, the Brotherhood tearfully cradle his dead body and mourn him. He is immediately thereafter forgotten by everyone. Especially the readers.
Chapter 20- Some day we'll all get jobs together at Taco Bell[edit]
The group decides there is no escaping the angry mob, who has been terrorizing them throughout the city by yelling deragatory statements about Hello Kitty. In order to escape, they all put on fake mustaches, forge entirely new identities, and are carted out of the city by hiding in a pick-up truck with a bunch of illegals. As they ride out of the city, they reminisce on the beautiful times they had together, knowing that together with the pants, they can look foward to even more of those times together in the future. Just kidding, they all die. The end.
Spoiler Complete please note if you do not understand
any of this nonsense then you are probably British or Irish.
Characters[edit]
Sharpie[edit]
The overall loudest and most outspoken of the group. He is also the music lover. He likes everything from the Beatles to Blessthefall. His guilty pleasure is Spice Girls. Not the brightest member of the group, but he is knowledgable on certain subjects. His personality isn't drastically altered upon wearing the pants. In general, he just jumps around and yells a lot which.......he does most of the time anyway. Unlike other members of the group, he does know which Backstreet Boy is gay. He is a vegetarian and prefers to eat lizards because he thinks they are a fruit. The origin of his name is completely uknown, because, obviously, there is no brand of writing utensil in pop culture that it could possibly be a reference to, and he obviously never sniffed too many of these nonexistent utensils when he was a child. Also, Stewie Griffin isn't gay.
101:[edit]
A complete and unadulterated jerk who LOST THE GAME. His parents hated him so much they gave him a number instead of a name. They chose this number by figuring how many times his mom would rather give birth to a chainsaw then him. He's in the group mainly due to his wide library of games and his ability at repairing shit. He also constantly whines that others owe him money, and that *insert random piece of shit here* isn't working properly. Nontheless, he makes a mean egg salad.
Dr. Blackhide:[edit]
The smartest member of the group, he, Sharpie, and James are the founding members. At birth, Jonas Blackhide came into contact with a magical, wish-granting sheep. The sheep asked him for his wish, and he replied that he would like some cheese. however, in doing so, he stepped onto the sheep's foot, so the sheep cursed him and made him so smart that nobody would ever have any idea what he was talking about and all of his conversations with people would be endlessly fustrating because no matter what he said to people they would just nod and drool a lot. He likes shiny things, voodoo, and is the member that everyone forces to drive them when they need to do shit. He is the first to realize the incredible power of the pants, and the first to realize they make his butt look big.
JewFro:[edit]
He found the pants laying in his closet. Jewfro's hair is actually straight. His name is Jewfro because his parents were sick bastards. Actually, we're just f@#!ing with you, his hair is curly as shit. Anyway, Jewfro is the most normal of the group on the surface, as well as the newest member when the book begins. His newfound love for his man friends is what draws the pants to him. On the outside, calm and collected, but on the inside, he has a serious problem. He has been hiding a dangerous secret from the group, his addiction to Dog Huffing, and their attempts to save his soul through the healing power of Kitten Huffing comprises much of the middle of the first book. Also, he isn't Jewish. Some say he is the most hated out of the entire group as a majority of bad things happen to him in the book.
James:[edit]
He was raised in a middle class home in southern Texas. Through all the trouble he caused though including arson his parents kicked him out of the house and ran away from the police. James managed to get away and luckly got a job at 7-11. He slowly moved up and went into marketing after that. He generally provides the funds for all of the group's exploits and shenanigans. He also does the other group members' makeup for them. He has a sick obsession with Keanu Reeves and tries to emulate him whenever possible and succeeds. Sometimes preferring the name "Neo" while wearing the pants it gives him the ability to run up walls impossibly high.... IN SLOW MOTION
Reviews of Book[edit]
The books reviews ranged from praise and worship from homosexuals all over to petitions that it should be banned. It was unsure how well the book would sell when it was first released. Many critics claimed BOTTP was the worst case of writing while under the influence of illegal drugs since the creation of the Book of Mormon. Oddly the praising critics claim this is exactly what makes it so great. They express that such works of art have been accomplished from all sorts of socially unacceptable drugs such as Marijuana. When questioned about such the two authors simply claimed "well, it wasn't ILLEGAL... we had testicular cancer". This was never proven and charges were not made against the authors as no drugs were found in the car, hotel, or on anyone's person mentioned in the book. BOTTP was then put on the list of required reading for students in high school and college. The reasoning behind this, some claim, is because it shows young minds the danger of homosexuality and what NOT to write. Others say that controversial issues should be exposed to almost everyone at some point hence making it a perfect choice. Still others simply allude that its just a really good book. These people usually say so frequently and repeatedly in loud voices as they are being hauled away for marijuana charges.
New York Times[edit]
"This book has compelled readers for generations. after the release of the movie it has grown in popularity immensely. Satainic groups claim responsibility for publication of the book but so far the authors are denying such claims. It has been sold on Amazon so frequently that the company has been recently developing a new technique to receive more to supply the overwhelming demand for BOTTP. The movie on the other end has sold many dvd's but economists and movie experts claim that this is largely because people want to watch something thats good to get high to like zoolander."
Daily Press[edit]
"Large riots have been executed after the latest release of BOTTP Movie. It seems that after the movie was seen many people went to get the book. Studies show a large percentage of the population in the United States only read books after a somewhat successful movie has been made with the same tittle as the book. After reading the book the general population grew furious claiming that George Lucas failed to do justice to BOTTP much like when he raped Indiana Jones. Local SWAT teams had to be called in and used pepper spray, gas, tasers and other anti-riot techniques to break up the overwhelming mob."
Pope[edit]
"The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants is a corruption on the faith of men and wemon. To buy this book is an insult to God, the Catholic Church, and every denomination that believes Jesus died on the cross at some point. The threat of this runs deeper then Harry Potter book series to an enormous level. Whoever reads this book must go to a confessional as soon as possible. The Church is conducting a world wide book burning to eliminate such hatred from the hands of innocent future generations. The burning will take place at exactly 10:00 pm local time for any copies in the various languages and non-catholic supporting reviews of the book." (it was later discovered that the pope logically would have to read this book or at least read massive amounts of reviews to make such a serious decision on the burning of the books).
The Movie[edit]
Director George Lucas headed this movie with a multi-million dollar budget. It is often described an injustice to the novel. The actors were described as weak and without passion to the parts supposedly played. The detail was lacking and overall it could have been a lot better according to many critics who went to the red carpet showing. Actors and Celebreties who came to the premier were Matt Damon, Chuck Norris, The Canadian Historical Chairman, Queen of England, The pope, and Marijuana Legalization Committee Chairman, and many many more. During the movie, half of the audience left in disgust of the horribleness of the movie representation. This struck George Lucas dumbfounded. In spite of this, the movie grossed $18.3 million in the box office on it's opening day, and by the time it left theatres it's profit was $12 short of matching that of Avatar. Plans are in the works for two sequels to the movie, this time with executive producer Michael Bay taking charge. The plot of the next film is set to revolve around the Brotherhood's vacation to Australia where they encounter another Brotherhood from an alternate universe. They are promptly killed by said alternate Brotherhood, and sent to hell, where they are hunted by thousands of demons bent on tearing apart their bodies and draining out their gayness so they can use their giant cannon to fire their gayness at God. Because everyone knows the only thing God fears is gayness. It has been deemed the most anticipated film of the year and is already banned in over 20 countries prior to it's release.
Major Themes and Theology's of the Book[edit]
- Homosexuality
- Male Bonding
- The Most Abhorred of Arts (See Chapter 7)
- Redemption through an act of the Lord (See Chapter 7)
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases
- Beastiality
- Cannibalism
- Alcoholism
- Rosie O'Donnell
- Lucifer's influence on world events
- Politics
- Necrophilia
- Deviancy
- Politics
- Any other evil and abhorred act committed since the begin of time
- Politics