Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation

A Pointless Expensive Crock

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The world leaders arrive...

A Pointless Expensive Crock (APEC) is a forum for 21 Pacific Rim countries (styled "Member Economies") that seeks to promote free trade and economic cooperation throughout the Asia-Pacific region. When APEC economic leaders and ministers convene for their annual meeting they will be dressed in rubber latex and beat each other around the head with small sticks called "nurdles". This ritual was developed in order to clear the mind of preconceived thoughts and postdates the ritual of goat sacrifice.

After the nurdling the leaders will consider such issues as how to support the multilateral trading system, tackle gender change, enhance regional economic integration and eliminate "behind-the-border" barriers to competition.

The main purpose of this annual event is to allow the host country to engage in a security exercise, "the like of which no one has ever seen before".

At the 2007 summit in Sydney, George W. Bush as slipped into the country quietly with 5 jumbo jets full of security, advisers and a team of jugglers.

Controversy

On the 6th of September a motorcade driving Osama Bin Laden arrived outside the hotel where president Bush was staying. Police claim that one thousand people were arrested, which proves that the security is working.

The Commissioner, Andrew Scipione, was very angry about the stunt. He said (in loose paraphrase) that is was a credit to the police and security officers that they cleverly welcomed the convoy through all the important checkpoints. There was a highly coordinated effort to direct the motorcade to the hotel where the President was staying (a new strategy). Upon arrival the security officers at the hotel ‘acted’ all surprised and arrested Osama and his assistants for making through all the security barriers.

Authorities have condemned Osama saying that it was an ill-judged stunt and that his actions have compromised security by showing that it doesn’t work. “Think about it”, said one government spokesman, “This could have been a real terrorist. The Chaser in cooperation with Osama has seriously compromised the image of APEC security”.

Participators

Key organizations and individuals participators include:

• Resistance, socialist youth organisation
• He-Man, and the masters of the universe
• Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela
• Bono
• Osama Bin Laden
• The Communist Party of Samoa
• The bureaucratically-deformed musical theocracy of New Zealand
• Black Jesus
• John Howard and his side-kick Peter Costello.

Top 10 APEC Sights

While you're in Australia's biggest city for the APEC summit, why not enjoy some sightseeing at some of Sydney's world-famous tourist attractions? This top 10 list has been updated to take account of the special security conditions prevailing during the conference.

• Sydney Harbour and the Opera House - Sydney's harbour is world famous, and its legendary Opera House is regularly named as one of the most beautiful buildings in the world. Unfortunately, during APEC, you may not visit the building, nor approach it, or travel on the harbour because of the security barriers around most of the waterside vantage points. But postcards are readily available during your stay and, trust us, it's all very beautiful.
• Taronga Zoo - All of the best animals have been moved to Garden Island for the private enjoyment of world leaders, but Taronga Zoo still boasts some state-of-the-art empty cages.
• Great Wall of Sydney - Scotland has Hadrian's Wall, China its Great Wall, and now Sydney has a massive wall around much of the city. Our Great Wall may not be visible from space (but then again nor is the Chinese one, despite the urban myth) but it's certainly an eyesore in most of the city. Like the Great Wall of China, you can walk along sections of it. But unlike the Great Wall, if you do so, you will be arrested, or possibly shot.
• Historic Parramatta - During the conference, NSW Police are running free courtesy buses to this historic centre, located by the picturesque Pattamarra River. Under the special APEC legislation, those arrested in the APEC Zone will be transported to Parramatta for charging. Those planning on availing themselves of this convenient service should note that, because of the bars over the windows, views from the buses will be limited. Ditto the cells.
• Wet 'n' Wild water cannon - Forget the Manly Waterworks. During APEC, water-time fun has come to the heart of the city! A quick blast from the police's high-powered water cannon will have you drenched in moments. Particularly recommended for visiting protestors who haven't washed in months.
• The Running of the Motorcades - In Pamplona, tourists run down cobbled streets in front of enraged bulls. But in Sydney this week, feral protesters will run in front of presidential motorcades in a pointless attempt to disrupt them. It's likely to be bloodier than any running of the bulls.
• Little Baghdad - Sydney is known for its many colourful ethnic neighbourhoods, which bring a taste of their home country to create a rich multicultural patchwork. During the meeting, Sydneysiders will have a chance to sample Baghdad's renowned Green Zone via the intense security of the APEC Zone, which will protect those inside from the indignity of any contact with ordinary people in the country they're visiting.
• Street racing - Sydney's many hoons love speeding around the city's renowned street racing circuits, such as the Hickson Road area. During APEC, a single circuit can take hours thanks to the frequent traffic interruptions! You've never had a race that lasted this long.
• Bondi Beach - The famous beach is known for its high concentration of intoxicated tourists, especially on the Sunday of the conference when Janette Howard hosts her counterparts at Bondi Icebergs for an afternoon on the pink champagne.
• Rifle range - It's one big gun fair for shooting aficionados during APEC, with some of the latest paramilitary equipment being deployed on rooftops around the city. And, during the meeting, Sydney is being converted into the world's largest sniper rifle range. Note that gun enthusiasts should not attempt to purchase any of the weapons on display, or attempt to trade any of their own firearms with those on official duty, lest they themselves are used for target practice.