Analingus
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Analingus is a flavor of ice cream known for its bitter, acrid flavor, valued in some cultures as an aphrodesiac. In others as a mandatory sexual favour.
History[edit]
While analingus is popularly thought to originate from either Uranus or cunnilingus, these are in fact urban legends that most likely arose as folk etymologies based on flavor's name. In fact, analingus was the creation of Pietro Anali, an Italian Renaissance merchant. The "lingus" in the name comes neither from cunnilingus nor aer lingus, but is the Latinization of Ling-Ling, used by Anali as a primary ingredient in the original recipe. Anali likely first encountered Ling-Ling in powdered form when it samples were brought back from Imperial China by Marco Polo.
The analingus trademark has been kept within the Anali family for over 420 years, though various unlicensed labels were started in France and Bulimia in the 18th and 19th Centuries, a few of which have survived today, though for legal reasons they are typically marketed as Ass to Mouth. A new variety, "chocolate analingus," was introduced in the 1990s and heavily marketed on the Internet, but proved massively unpopular everywhere but Germany, where it still enjoys a large cult following.
Composition[edit]
The ingredients for analingus are a closely guarded Anali family secret, however, careful tasting has revealed several elements. Since Ling-Ling is now extinct, anal is used as a substitute (the similarity in names being completely coincidental). The flavors of rectum, perineum, and nutmeg are also frequently attributed to the drink.
Recipes[edit]
A few popular recipes incorporate analingus:
- Anal Cream Pie - one cup milk, one half-cup of sugar, one tablespoon of semen, yolks of two eggs, two scoops of analingus
- Cafe Latte - two shots of espresso, one half-cup milk, one half scoop of analingus
- Root Beer Float - one root of beer, or alternatively Coca Cola, with a scoop of analingus
- Muff Muffins - Two cups of brown sugar, a dozen eggs, three fingernails, salt - pepper, a fig leaf, and a pinch of analingus
Analingus is also often used to decorate the rim of a bowl of tossed salad.
As an Aphrodisiac[edit]
The aphrodesiac properties of analingus are extremely controversial, with some blaming its reputation for the extinction of the Ling-Ling in 1950. Most Christians condemn the flavor as far too naughty; however, celebraties from Audrey Hepburn to Galadriel swear by it.
Health Concerns[edit]
The FDA has warned of Fecal E.Coli outbreaks linked to contaminated analingus. The Anali corporation has claimed that there is little danger if it is correctly washed first. In any case, it is certainly less dangerous than spinach.
See also[edit]
- Cunnilingus - An accepted alternative recipe