Hey, I know you probably don't care, but my name is Shayden, and I am a super sad boy. Most people end up calling me Super Sad Shayden, because that defines my inner self and empty soul....oh sadness. Why am I so sad? If I were to tell you my story it would pain me more than a pit of fiery lost love that once rendered me into this state of despair. I will tell you anyways...oh sadness. Once, my mom found out I got a D on my report card. She told my dad and he took away my car and made me get rid of my MySpace. As bad as my life was at that point, Amy, my girlfriend of three weeks broke up with me. She was the only one who understood me...oh sadness. Do you share my pain? Have you reached your limits of emotional pain and need to release it through physical pain? If so, continue on, if not, I am afraid you will not understand.
Hair, the mark of the emos
Elbert the Emo once said, "My pity, my loss, my distress and despair, can only be shown, in the style of my hair." This is what we live by...and its the most unusual part of our tradition. By dying your hair black like the rest of us, you are being different from everyone else and standing out from the crowd. People will notice you more and the attention will make you feel somewhat happier, but most likely you will be sad again soon anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter.
Also, by putting it in your eye, people think you only have one eye, and get freaked out. For a second it is funny, because you really have two...ha...ha. But I am just kidding, we really have two eyes...well...mostly.
People will be confused if your a boy or a girl as well. Most people when they see an emo, can't really tell the gender, and therefore, see how lost you really are. Sometimes, I like to pretend I am a girl, and talk in a high voice too confuse the person. I call myself Sally. But soon I get too sad and stop.
Pain, the candy of the emos
Elbert the Emo once said, "I am in a life that is crappy, I cut myself, and then I am happy...but not really." This is the most fun part to being an emo. Self-inflicted pain is the best way to release your sadness. Souls darkened by the blackness of the world, can only be given satisfaction through the pleasure of an infliction of the flesh. If you are truly sad, you will gladly inflict pain on yourself. It feels good to hurt. Embrace the pain. You love it.
Not only is the pain good, but there are many ways to inflict it. My personal favorite is cutting yourself. It is safe and painful. You can see your own blood and it will make you happy...not really. Another way is to bang your head into the wall. This will knock you out sometimes, and you can almost die. Finally, you can eat yourself. This feels good and tastes good. Just like Yoplait Yogurt...ha...ha...sadness.
But what people can't understand is that it isn't the physical pain that we are beaten from, it is from our emotional pain. They have no comprehension of the way our lives have gone. They just don't understand. I remember one time a little kid walked up to me. He asked why I was dressed the way I was and why was I all sad. Who does he think he is? A little five year old, with his parents that love him. He is probably doing pretty well in sports and gets a lot of attention. He is probably doing pretty well with his girlfriend right now. He thinks he can even begin to comprehend why I am in despair? He is wrong, because as one stares into the confusion of a black abyss, so one stares into my heart, after my beloved Amy left me.
Poetry, the dialect of the emos
Elbert the Emo once said, "Making a short poem explaining poems is stupid...so ya..." Poems about ducks and swallows and sunsets don't explain your true soul...unless your soul is a duck...ha..ha...sadness. Emos constantly have to write poems to express there true inner soul. They need to embrace the pain by describing it with meaningful words. A good way to do this is too set up rituals I guess. Set up candles and black stuff everywhere and make it spooky. Make it as black as your soul.
Talk about the worst parts of this world, you know? How your dad won't give you a car, and your sister gets away with everything, and how your girlfriend...how your girlfriend crushes your soul. How she leaves nothing but a fluttering of destroyed pieces to be cast into the wind and to never fully be brought back together...oh sadness. It was like she took my soul and cast it into an abyss with nothing more than a wave goodbye, to leave me cold and alone. Like I was strapped to a pole and pecked at by the crows...sorry...I got a bit carried away. This poetry is fun to write, because for a moment you get a feeling of accomplishment, but not for long...soon you will be sad again.
Miscellaneous things, the miscellaneous things of the emos
Elbert the Emo once said, "Do you know how to tie a noose?" Yes, the ultimate goal of emos is to kill ourselves. Many of my friends have killed themselves by doing many different things. I too think I will die by my own hands one day, because I will never recover after my beloved Amy. She took my heart and placed needles in it to slowly sink down into my core. She ran into my heart, and in an instance, ran back out. She pulled me out of the fiery pain of hell, and dropped me back in...sorry again. I guess this is good because you get to find out what happens after life...I guess.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Also, emos get to do many other cool things like wear black clothes. If your black and wear black clothes and black hair, you are pretty well disguised at night too...kind of like a ninja...ha...ha...oh sadness. You can get them at Hot Topic or something like that, that would work. That is a cool store.
So that's about it, you know the basic life of an emo and now how cool it is. It is an awesome way to be different and become something more. Also, we are full of surprises. For example, I am really a girl, I have been this whole time...ha...ha...not really...well...maybe. I really don't know what I am. I think I was a guy and then I ran out of cutting room on my wrist so tried cutting my dick, but it fell right off...oh sadness.