Wet Floor
“Only you can prevent me from slipping on a wet floor, so be wary.”
“Good thing I can walk on water.”
A Wet Floor is the single most utterly dangerous thing in the universe. Across the globe, scientists, philosophers, politicians, and the Pope have been studying this frightening phenomenon. They are finding this increasingly difficult, for even synthesised variants used in labs cause instant unconsciousness in all viewers. No one knows precisely what it is or how one works, only that everyone who has tried to find out has been found painted entirely black and suspended just above the floor with their arms and legs jutting out all over the place.
Identification[edit]
The mysterious Wet Floor manifests itself in several different forms, but fortunately, all of them have signs that make it easy to identify as such. Of particular note is the unique form of radiation given off by a Wet Floor. This radiation acts as the only known fertilizer for the plant known as the Caution wet floor sign. Thus, where there is a Wet Floor, you can expect that a Caution wet floor sign will grow nearby.
Furthermore, the region surrounding a Wet Floor's singularity tends to be coated in a reflective fluid. While it is not known exactly why this happens, Stephen Hawking theorifies that the quantum disruption caused by a Wet Floor is actually capable of liquifying the fabric of the space-time continuum.
First Discovery[edit]
The first Wet Floor was discovered in a Publix supermarket in a small Florida suburb just north of Orlando, sometime in the year 1929. The details are sketchy, but Uncyclopedia has managed to salvage the world's first known encounter with a Wet Floor, which is also the only firsthand account in existence. The man's name was Dylan Avery, and he has had his story beaten out of him by our thugs has agreed to share his story for Uncyclopedia:
" Me and my friend(If you can't frickin learn how to type, try this-HowTo:Write Good) My friend(Bob) and I,we went to Publix...it was j-j-just s-supposed to be another ordinary day...we just went out to by some dildos...they w-w-were for his gra-grandma...so anyways, we went to Publix, and that...that's when I saw...when I saw It. There was no other word to describe it, just It...there was a nearby Caution wet floor sign...I thought it was just decoration. But the thing next to the Caution wet floor sign...I didn't know what it was. I was afraid, very afraid. All I could see down that isle was the sign and this strange, reflective liquid. Bob wanted to see what it was...oh, he was always too curious for his own good! I begged him to stay away, said 'Bob, no, you don't know what it is!' And he turned to me and said, 'C'mon, what's the worst that could possibly happen?' The next thing I knew, there was this sudden, blinding flash of light...it overwhelmed me, I couldn't see anything. But, I could still hear. Oh, could I still hear! I heard cries of unspeakable agony, screams so piercing that even I felt the pain. It was Bob. I'd never heard any human being scream like that before, and I don't think I ever will again...I heard a shrill, screeching sound, like fingernails on a chalkboard, only much worse...then came the sounds of human flesh being ripped apart like aluminum foil, of bones being crushed, of organs being splattered, then a massive, deafening blast...then silence...utter silence. I fainted. When I came to after a few hours, all that was left of poor Bob was a pool of blood and the head of his penis. Even now, I can still hear his screams, pounding, pounding in my head, never relenting, never ceasing. The memory of the day will haunt me forever.
Today, Disney World now resides over the spot where the shattered remains of the Publix once stood.
Scientific Discussion[edit]
Origins[edit]
Wet Floors were once thought to be caused by collisions between liberal and conservative energies, thus causing a matter-antimatter singularity. However, this idea was quickly rejected as Wet Floors are rarely found in buildings such as Congress. Rather, Wet Floors generally appear in grocery and convenience stores. This has lead to the general scientific consensus that Wet Floors are caused when Red Bull and Starbucks Frappuccinos are accidentally mixed, since both generally appear in such stores. Since Red Bull is the Ultimate Energy, and Frappuccino is the ultimate Dark Energy, mixing them should theoretically result in an inverse asplosion of massive proportions. The resulting substance would have such massive ungravity that it would melt the fabric of space around it, creating a Wet Floor.
Another theory states that Wet Floors occur when God masturbates, although atheist critics complain that this theory is just endorsed by "bible-thumpers" who hate science and hate freedom.
Effects[edit]
Not much is known about the effects of Wet Floors, but most scientists generally agree that you should stay the fuck away at all costs, even if it means losing your manhood.
Prevention[edit]
There is no known means of protecting yourself from a Wet Floor. If you step in one, you will die. The only thing you can do is keep your fucking distance.
Wet Floors are so deadly that...[edit]
- ...they are the only thing that can kill Chuck Norris, temporarily.
- ...grues are likely to be eaten by them.
- ...they will fucking kill Steve Ballmer.
- ...They can out-shred Herman Li
- ...they have the power to pity Mr. T.
- ...they will kill you 99999999 times before you fall to the ground dead.
- ...they can beat AAA at video games.
- ...if they kill you, they will kill not only you but also anyone whom you have ever interacted with or are related to in any way.
- ...they AAAAAAA!!!
- ...they do yo' momma
- ...they are the only thing (other than one of his victims) that's made Chuck Norris look toward the ground
The Wet Floor vs Jesus Paradox[edit]
The known threat posed by Wet Floors has given rise to the Wet Floor vs Jesus Paradox. Philosophers sometimes have to think so hard about this that they starve themselves to death in doing so. The paradox goes like this:
- A Wet Floor can kill anything in the universe that steps in it.
- Nothing in the universe can kill Jesus.
- Therefore, what happens when Jesus steps in a Wet Floor?
If Jesus survives, then it would imply that the first statement is false, but we already know that it's true. And if Jesus dies, it would imply that the second statement is false, but we know that that's true, as well. So each statement seems to invalidate the other, yet both must be true.
So what WILL happen when Jesus steps in a Wet Floor? The prevailing belief is that if Jesus ever stepped in a wet floor, it would create a divide by zero error and cause the universe to collapse in on itself.
Recent evidence suggests that wet floors may in fact be coated with a thin layer of a hydrogenous substance. Since it is a thoroughly well documented and often reported fact that Jesus is physically unable to fall through water, one would presume he would simply skim across the surface, never actually coming into contact with the Wet Floor, making the paradox unpossible.