Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 26

July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan) (pictured), Build a Snowman Day (Florida)

• 3400 BCE - Cave man punch woman, then laugh.
• 657 - Battle of Siffin. Theys was diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, bitch?
• 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
• 1521 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
• 1524 - Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
• 1536 - King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend Day to new extremes.
• 1590 - Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
• 1792 - The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while drunk, singing 99 Bottles of Beer.
• 1834 - The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases".
• 1870 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
• 1974 - A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
• 1994 - O.J. Simpson takes Punch Your Girlfriend Day a step further.
• 1997 - Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
• 2000 - 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
• 2007 - The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles. The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
• 3001 - Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.