Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January 3

Separated at birth?

January 3: Feast of St. Wallet, International Throw Tomatoes at Old People Day

• 974 BCE - Methuselah, sick of being a target of thrown tomatoes, asks God for guidance. God gives him a shield of vibranium. However, neighborhood kids sneak up behind Methuselah and still get him. God, laughing, explains that he just needed some crushed tomatoes for spaghetti sauce as the Flying Spaghetti Monster was coming for dinner. An angry Methuselah throws the shield at God, but it misses and flies back like a boomerang and cuts Methuselah in half. His dying word is "^$#*&!!". Thus, the first cutting remark is made.
• 3 CE - This marks first payday after Christmas. The family breadwinner heaves the ritual sigh of relief and starts saving for next Christmas.
• 31 - Jesus says, "Let him who is without sin cast the first tomato," getting the jump on everyone. Catsup is invented.
• 250 - Emperor Decius orders everyone in the Roman Empire to make sacrifices to the Roman gods. Tomatoes are offered up. A food fight ensues.
• 1492 - Natives attempt to fight the invader Columbus by throwing tomatoes. The latter takes one in the face but likes the taste so much that he would later use it as a sauce for his captives when he eats them alive.
• 1899 - Johan Vaaler accidentally invents the paper clip when his wire-making machinery explodes and clips together stacks of his notes on a nearby table. Standing close to the machinery, Vaaler also invents extreme hipster piercings at the same time, but does not survive to profit from the invention of either.
• 1922 - The Ottoman Empire decides to get out of the land business and focus on relief for aching calves.
• 1925 - Benito Mussolini announces seizure of power in Italy; Jersey Shore viewing figures are unaffected.
• 1947 - Saddam Hussein and Mel Gibson are born. They are accidentally switched in the delivery room, though it will make no difference later on. (pictured)
• 1947 - Proceedings of the United States Congress is televised for first time. Jersey Shore still maintains a solid audience.
• 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing a meat grinder.
• 1961 - Saving the world from nuclear holocaust, Cuba and the United States decide to throw tomatoes at each other instead.
• 1977 - The first draft of the Apple company logo, resembling a tomato, is thrown.
• 1997 - Clippy the office assistant is created to remind you how brutally stupid you are when it come to computers. After users burn down most of Washington state, Microsoft grudgingly agrees to retire their mascot and changes its name to Skynet. Apple quietly drops their "Lil Hitler" office assistant rollout even though they patented the concept first.