UnNews:US to thwart ISIS recruiting

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 13:19:59 (UTC)
US to thwart ISIS recruiting UnNews Logo Potato.png

2 January 2016

Mr. Trump speaks his mind bluntly and has acquired fabulous wealth, two things that will not be allowed after the Caliphate gallops across the planet.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The United States has launched on a new initiative to do nothing that might help ISIS recruit jihadis.

President Barack Obama said he may close the detention center at Guantanamo because the enemy uses its existence as a recruiting tool. Freeing the detainees would deny ISIS this tool, and would provide about 80 senior military commanders ISIS would not have to recruit anyway. Unfortunately, there are no more deserters like Bowe Bergdahl that ISIS can return in "exchange" for the freed terrorists, so the U.S. has the new challenge of recruiting its own soldiers to commit treason.

Hillary Clinton has said that opposing candidate Donald Trump's recent call for the U.S. to halt immigration of Muslims would be another ISIS recruiting tool. This was reinforced when an actual video surfaced this week, using footage of Mr. Trump. The 51-minute film, in fact produced by rival jihad franchise al-Qaeda and not by either ISIS or Ms. Clinton's Dirty Tricks team, shows Mr. Trump whipping up his supporters with his call to close the border. Additional video of Turkish soccer fans cheering during a moment of silence for the Paris concert massacre seems to have been edited out for brevity. Ms. Clinton, who has emphasized the role of videos in provoking spontaneous Muslim outbursts at American consulates, has proposed that the Federal Election Commission pre-approve campaign speeches so as not to fan the flames of war. By comparison, sending Ms. Clinton to the Middle East as a Secretary of State with an uncovered face, having her nag Arabs to treat women better, and sending a gay ambassador to Libya, didn't irritate anyone.

In related news, 190 Muslim meatpackers in Colorado lost their jobs after the workers were told to pray at home, and work at work. Cargill Meat Solutions insists it had made accommodations, even though the A.D.A. does not list Islam as a "disability." Mr. Obama warned that not halting work five times a day to let Muslims chant might become an ISIS recruiting tool. He said he would offer enemy leader Anwar al-Awlaki a small desk near the Oval Office — perhaps converting the Clinton washroom — to give Mr. Obama other policy ideas for the U.S. and its businesses that Islamists would find most pleasant.

The Somali workers will not be sent back from Colorado to Somalia, where they would be welcome to pray instead of working, but will now qualify not just for monthly Permanent Disability checks but an Obama-care policy for health care that will provide them free abortions.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:US_to_thwart_ISIS_recruiting&oldid=6178837"