UnNews:US government shuts down with unprecedented triteness
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| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:52:59 (UTC) |
| US government shuts down with unprecedented triteness | 
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3 October 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The United States government has begun a devastating partial shutdown with unprecedented theatrics on the part of both parties, to which nothing similar has been seen since the last one. In the last devastating partial shutdown, the shoes were on the opposite feet, and consequently, all the clichés are now on the opposite tongues.
In 2013, as vaguely as the Jewish calendar, the two times that the President needs the help of the House to keep the printing presses rolling occur in the same month. Republicans insist that Obama-care be repealed, or perhaps pushed back a year, or that taxpayers be given a waiver like the ones already given to employers, unions, Nancy Pelosi's favorite restaurants, and Congress itself — all the while nervously looking over their shoulders to see which Republicans will be the first to fold this time, hoping to look sensible and moderate.
President Obama insists that Republicans give him a "clean" Continuing Resolution to sign, "and then we can negotiate." He points out that Tojo adopted this strategy in 1948, and his nation now has two fine little baseball leagues. Commentators on MSNBC have stated that Republicans are anarchists, arsonists, and jihadists, so extreme that the President simply cannot negotiate.
The results of the devastating partial shutdown are...devastating. The public is barred from paying to see pandas at the federal zoo, tourists are being hustled out of Grand Canyon National Park, the weekend's lucrative football games with Army and Navy may be cancelled, and dying World War II veterans trying to visit the memorial will be stuck in a holding pattern over Washington, to improve the "optics" of the devastating partial shutdown.
To avoid more disastrous "optics," however, the government will continue to issue Obama-phones, voter registration forms in 180 languages, and multiple EBT cards to illegals during the shutdown. But the must-see "optics" come later this month when Republicans get a second veto and the rhetoric escalates into threats not to pay interest on T-Bonds, a move that would instantly bankrupt Red China.
Trustworthy UnNews Financial Editors are working to summarize the week's trading on Wall Street, which included triple-digit losses "because of" the shutdown, and triple-digit gains "despite" the shutdown. Meanwhile, the equally unbiased UnNews Audio service will be pre-empted all week, as it is running speeches of the President.
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |