UnNews:Religious far-left object to "Science" Voodoo

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Fake News that's honestly fake ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:47:59 (UTC)
Religious far-left object to "Science" Voodoo UnNews Logo Potato.png

12 May 2006

(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
VooSciSatCon was called to order, not with a gavel, but a rattle.

Miskatonic University, ARKHAM, Massachusetts -- The Fourth Annual VooSciSatCon (Voodoo, Scientology and Satanism Conference) met today at the creepy rundown mansion owned by a guy who looks like Vincent Price on LSD. High on the agenda was the issue of scientists, and if they are trying to horn in on the action. Kmu'bubu-leueule Tngjr'ikda of Cameroon, voted head loony of the day, issued a statement signed by all present.

"Today we see so-called rational people doing "Science" Voodoo, and frankly, we're a bit miffed! Raising the dead, necromancy, fancypants-mancy, female circumcision, taking poor, deluded people for all the money thay have... that's our province. Science has no business fooling around with powers they know nothing about!"

John Hutchinson, voted most insane Canadian three years running.

Representatives from Togo, Benin and Nigeria and Haiti made up the Vodun (aka Voodoo) delegation. Scientology and Satanism was represented by David Miscavige and a surprisingly dapper L. Ron Hubbard, freshly risen from the grave. Umbanda, Quimbanda and Candomble, religions similar to Vodun and found in South America, were jointly represented by Che Guevara and Carlos Casteneda.

Carl Sagan, also freshly resurrected, responded to the allegations by saying, "Let me tell you about Quantum Physics." This reporter said, "No, thank you, I have loony people to interview, and my publication has no interest in "facts".

Pseudoscientist ChaimYankel: would you buy free energy from this man?

Mental giants of science, such as John Hutchison, discoverer of anti-gravity or the Hutchison Effect, had much more interesting things to say than Sagan. "Sure, they caught me using strings on a documentary film, but does that stop me? No, I persevere. It's clear to all who listen to me, that the "Hutchison Effect", in conjunction with the "Casimir" effect, using zero-point energy as a complex matrix of forces, will result in the ability to create zombies without the side-effects of puffer fish toxins. Why won't they listen? Why?"

Bleeding-edge Zero Point Energy Researcher Chaim Yankle weighed in on whether science is stepping on toes by responding with this e-mail sent back in time by ZPE technology more than one year ago.

ZPE Zero Point Energy absorber invented by Chaim Yankle: Look at all them gee-gaws!

“From: "Chaim Yankle" <chaim_yankle@y...>

Date: Sat Jan 8, 2005 1:44 pm
Subject: ZPE energy device
I too have been working on a ZPE machine that absorbs the energy of ZPE amplifies it and rectifies it, making a modicum of free energy in the process.
It uses a wire container for the ZPE and an energy extractor module. The resultant ZPE energy is then amplified and rectified for energy production.
Chaim”

~ Chaim Yankle on the cool stuff he did, but no one will listen... WHY?

When asked what that has to do with anything, Mr. Yankle said, "Just take one look at this device and tell me it's not working. I dare you!"

“What exactly is a "modicum", hmm?”

~ Chris Mooney on pseudo-science and good manners.

Sources[edit]

Cris Mooney is Washington correspondent for Seed Magazine and author of "The Republican War on Science" from Basic Books.
Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Religious_far-left_object_to_%22Science%22_Voodoo&oldid=5580804"