UnNews:Miami aliens finger new Epstein clients

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

We have met the enemy, and he is us UnNews Thursday, February 29, 2024, 17:16:59 (UTC)

Miami aliens finger new Epstein clients UnNews Logo Potato.png

7 January 2024

The Guinness Book of Records rewarded the police response with the "longest drive-thru line for donuts".

MIAMI, Florida -- To celebrate the New Year, shadow aliens have ended their shopping spree at the Miami Bayside Marketplace by releasing the client list of non-suicidal pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

After years of court hearings and delays in releasing the documents, Internet detectives on Reddit and X (formerly Twitter) have combed through the lists of words that these shadow aliens have so kindly given the public. They almost instantly found known Epstein passengers, including Prince Andrew, Kevin Spacey and The Pope. However, surprise visitors to Epstein's "Fun Island" also include Stephen Hawking, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, Chris Tucker and Winnie the Pooh. Multiple reports indicate that Mr. Pooh slathered girls in honey and licked them dry. Many said it was common knowledge that "Pooh likes them young."

However, there are counterclaims that the shadow aliens never existed in the first place and instead the massive police response in Miami was actually for a bunch of teenagers — in which a majority of them were minorities — which would also explain why most reports state that the creatures were eight feet tall, dark, playing basketball, and drinking Kool Aid.

With the list now in the public domain, as is Mickey Mouse, no arrests have been made to these potential kiddie-fiddlers, as President Joe Biden has instead deployed the Justice Department to cover up these so-called shadow aliens, much like his son's laptop.