UnNews:Freak atmospheric conditions suspend UK flights

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 18:08:59 (UTC)
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16 April 2010

A plume of foul-smelling matter over Manchester which may cause drowsiness

MANCHESTER, England -- The plans of hundreds of UK travellers were curtailed last night following the decision by air safety authorities to suspend all flights due to dangerous atmospheric conditions. The decision, which left thousands of disgruntled holiday-makers stranded at airports, was caused by a huge cloud of particulate matter believed to have emanated from Manchester at around 8.30pm local time. The cloud spread across the country and the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) immediately issued a notice to cancel all flights over UK airspace.

Top scientists are still attempting to analyse the composition of the cloud, but preliminary results suggest that it consists largely of Stercus Tauri Ambitionis, a noxious substance which gains prevalence in Britain every 4 to 5 years. Such a high concentration, however, has never been recorded in the country, and leading meteorologist, Harry Caine-Warning, admitted that he was baffled.

“I'm baffled”, he said, “We've always had a fair amount of ST (Stercus Tauri) in the atmosphere, and it's well known that the Ambitionis strain has a semi-regular cycle of peaks and troughs, but this accumulation is unprecedented. If our computer models are correct, this phenomenon could last until around May 8th and affect millions of people.”

"Dull remake of The Three Stooges"

CAA spokesman, James “Jimbo” Jet brushed off accusations that the authorities had over-reacted to the event. “Although STA is usually invisible to the naked eye, it has a distinctive odour, and if sucked into the air-conditioning units of planes can cause extreme nausea and drowsiness, which can endanger the lives of passengers.”

Prospective travellers, however, were not convinced. "It's a national disgrace", said Major Bartholomew Topping of Tunbridge Wells. "I was hoping to pop up to my sister's in Edinburgh for a quick round of Scots-bashing and now I have to sit here and watch this dull remake of The Three Stooges on the telly-box. Why they decided to mess with a classic is beyond me, I haven't seen anyone hit in the face with a custard pie yet, although the one with the squiffy eye looks pretty funny."

Mrs Heathrow of West London, however, greeted the news. "Awww, s'lovely", she said, "This is the first time in years that I've been able to sit out in me garden and hear the birdies cheeping. Soon as me 'ubby 'arry comes back from 'is lock-up wiv that shot-gun he knocked off from Mad Larry, we'll have some real peace and quiet at last."

Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was unavailable for comment, claiming that he “had to have his hair done”, and a spokesman for the leader of the opposition, David Cameron, said he was busy “getting his frown-lines airbrushed”. Even the Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg, who can usually be replied upon to make a statement during any national disaster, brushed our interviewer aside muttering “Must look into the camera” under his breath. Leaders of both the Scottish National Party and Plaid Cymru were available, but since they're not English, nobody cares.

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