UnNews:Disney bans smoking

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 05:48:59 (UTC)

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25 July 2007

Mickey is an avid ant-smoking activist (his drug of prefernce is LSD)

HOLLYWOOD - Walt Disney Co. has banned actors from smoking on the silver screen in any of its movies. In addition, the major motion picture studio is encouraging performers not to smoke in any pictures released by its Touchstone and Miramax subsidiaries. “Smoke breaks are expensive,” Disney’s chief executive officer (CEO) Robert Iger said, “and nicotine stains actors’ teeth. We have quite an investment in our stars, and we want them to look good, even if that means that they have to stay healthy.”

Initially, some stars balked at the new decree, Lindsay Lohan, a former Disney actress (?), claiming that the studio “has no right to say no to any celebrity. We’re special people,” she told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “We make our own rules.”

Justin Timberlake, another former Disney star (?), said, “What I do on my time is my business.”

Another ex-member of Disney’s ever-changing stable of child stars, singer (?) Brittany Spears declared, “I will never star in another Disney production!”

Asked for his response to Spears’ declaration, Iger grinned. “That’s right,” he agreed. “She won’t.”

The Disney Co. CEO said that the injunction came as a result of stockholders’ concerns that parents were concerned that their children might “emulate” one of the Disney stars. “Children are stupid,” Iger said. “They see Superman jump off a skyscraper, and they leap from their housetops. They see Mickey Mouse light up a joint, they’ll want to start smoking pot themselves.”

One of Iger’s aides whispered something to him, and, looking sheepish, Iger corrected himself: “I meant to say ‘cigar’ or ‘cigarette,’ not joint. Mickey Mouse doesn’t smoke marijuana.”

Although smoking has been prohibited on the set while movies are being filmed, Disney allows “tasteful” swearing, sexual situations, double-entendres, and “brief or partial nudity,” such as occurred in Splash! When mermaid Darryl Hannah exposed her mermaid’s mammary glands. “We have to have some ‘PG’ or ‘PG-13’ content in our films,” Iger explained, “or the kids won’t want to see them.”