UnNews:Dead rich advise saving for afterlife

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29 October 2015

Jackson warns that the living had better start saving, as Heaven may be more expensive than Monaco within a decade.

HEAVEN -- Michael Jackson is number one on the list of top earning dead celebrities for the third year in a row, according to Heaven’s best-selling celebrity magazine, Altar Ego. Jackson, who died in 2009, has earned around $115 million this year. However, the singer is advising the living that death may no longer be free as a result of posthumous employment.

Elvis Presley, John Lennon and Bob Marley also were on the list, meaning four of the top-ten of the Hereafter’s earners are singers and musicians. Jackson, who is now negotiating construction of his multi-million dollar etheral theme park “Everland”, said in a press-séance that the Angelic are currently re-evaluating the concept of cash; and how it can turn Heaven into absolutely-banging-party-Heaven.

The re-evaluation becomes more vital now that Google have spun off PayPal and even Apple Computer gets in the act with their new mobile payment device that can be used "anywhere". Tech giants are already negotiating contracts to get a decent 4G signal in Nirvana, so Archangel Gabriel can use his new diamond encrusted iPad mini.

Money talks, as God was chuffed with the twenty-five grand, bespoke silver armor for his favorite pet.

The move comes after Steve McQueen (who earned nine million this year) revealed plans for Jesus’ 2015th deathday party; featuring an ice-sculpture of the Statue of David, carved by Michelangelo for $500,000, that pisses vodka. Elizabeth Taylor ($20 million) had also been demonstrating the virtues of wealth, with a tour of her 15 mink coats, 65 parasols, 71 pairs of sunglasses, 508 gowns, 888 handbags, and over a thousand pairs of shoes to an enchanted Virgin Mary and a visibly peeved Imelda Marcos.

The Lord Almighty was initially perplexed and a bit hurt by the concept though, as he always thought Heaven was pretty good. The heating was always on, the food was fresh and there aren’t really any rules except that guests are by holy invitation only. However, the Christs are not afraid of an occasional, classy bit of bling-bling; and the Prime Mover was mightily impressed when ‘’Touched by an Angel’’ star, Paul Walker ($10.5 million), gifted him a novelty $24,000 suit of solid silver armour for his favourite pet guinea pig.

Back at the press Ouija-board, Zion’s wealthiest pop-apostle warned the emerging trend behind the hallowed, Pearly-soon-to-be-diamond-studded electric gates, will negate the saying: “you can’t take it with you”, when considering retirement budgets. Jackson went on to say it was clear that the Consecrated economy was on the rise and is likely to be the strongest around very soon. The star warned that unless people start depositing some of their retirement pension into a necrosis pension, their life-everlasting will feel like a very long time indeed.

Equally deceased Gore Vidal repeated, from the other side of the ethereal cloud, his notorious quip that death had been "a damned good career move" for Jackson.

Sources[edit]

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