UnNews:Corpse of Reagan eyed for GOP nomination

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 09:57:59 (UTC)
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12 April 2011

The corpse of President Reagan could achieve more tax cuts, and acquire brains to eat as well.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As President Obama last week surprised no one by declaring his candidacy for a second term, the Republican Party, looking over its own slim pickings, is on the verge of drafting the corpse of Ronald Reagan to be the GOP nominee for 2012.

Republican insiders assume that Mr. Obama will be unopposed on the Democratic Party ticket next year, as Hillary Clinton has declared she will not continue as Secretary of State in a second Obama term, and is likely to join George W. Bush in his Dallas motel room tending a small herd of goldfish. These insiders are reportedly approaching panic as they look over the slate of possible Republican candidates:

  • Mitt Romney--The former Governor of Massachusetts and failed candidate in 2008 has set up an "exploratory" website that tests another run. With his signature Romney-care law in Massachusetts producing bad statistics even faster than Obama-care, a Romney candidacy would take health care completely off the table. The election would then be decided on trivialities. Mr. Romney has much cooler hair. But Mr. Obama has much cooler skin. A toss-up.
  • Donald Trump--The business tycoon who bankrupted several casinos might be a perfect leader of a bankrupt nation. He wants a 25% tariff on Chinese goods, so that Kung Pao would end up costing even more. If elected, he would conduct a mass firing of the legislative branch, the judicial branch, and the White House staff; imagine every White-House meeting occurring in prime time and ending with the words, "You're fired!" He is already one step ahead of Mr. Obama, as he has flaunted his birth certificate everywhere.
  • Mike Huckabee--The former governor of Arkansas ran a failed campaign in 2008, but the Tea Party movement had not been invented. The "Huckster" could induce Tea Party members to embrace a holy roller if he seemed to be taking on the "powers that be" and saying inspiring things.
  • Sarah Palin--Yeah, right.
  • Newt Gingrich--Despite not following the conservative ideal of only having one wife per lifetime, former Speaker of the House and playboy Gingrich has also set up an "exploratory" site. His biggest liability, apart from the above, is his resemblance to Chucky the murderous marionette, a rather unfortunate persona from which to discuss "death panels" with Mr. Obama.
The Republicans are up against this. Can they win?

All these candidates either cast themselves as a new Ronald Reagan or give speeches at banquets that "the era of Reagan is over." Mr. Romney, for example, has cast himself as the perfect candidate for an "era of Obama."

Enter Zombie Reagan, not tanned, but rested and ready for an unconstitutional third term in the Oval Office. Zombie Reagan has all the supply-side and tax cuts of the original Reagan without the humanity, which Democrats would accuse him of not having in any case. He does have an incipient hunger for brains, but many will see this as an advantage over his first two terms. Republican insiders' biggest worry is that the nation might pick up where it left off with him--in the middle of an "arms-for-hostages" scandal involving Nicaragua and Iran, though that may be a relief compared to the modern problems with Libya and Iran.

However, Republican party-crats counter that nominating Zombie Reagan would have the decisive advantage that people would not have to learn a new guy's name.

Sources[edit]

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