UnNews:Britain signs Declaration of Dependence

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04 July 2015

Senator Cameron signs the Declaration of Dependence, and creates the fifty first State of America

BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, England-- Great Britain became the 51st State of the United States of America as the official Declaration of Dependence was signed by Senator David Cameron this morning. The legal and financial amalgamation of the U.K. into the U.S. finally draws to a close the American Revolution that began in 1776.

Over the last 225 years, members of the State of Britain have been progressively rejecting the authority of Parliament, due to excessive taxation on goods such as iPads and Nike training shoes; the stratospheric squandering of the country’s coffers and the insistence that all British things are great, especially stews, shepherd’s pie, pickled eggs and bangers ‘n’ mash.

As early as 1621 London introduced legislation to levy VAT on imported items purchased by the Brits, such as Apple products, Remington razors and sport footwear that passed into their ports. In return, American celebrities associated with these products enjoyed a sustained public profile and guaranteed seven figure salary, in addition to the seven figure salary already enjoyed in the U.S.

Because of this success, in 1774 the U.S. brought satellite TV, fast food, fast computers and not-so-fast Fords to the shores of Britain, in an attempt to draw the population away from their wireless sets, ZX Spectrums, slow-cookers and horseless carriages. At the same time, during periods of strong economy, Government Ministers were cleaning their moats, buying second homes, propping up personal enterprises and signing blank checks to the idle, and brown of nose.

In what has been the slowest coup in history, the argument over Americanization finally came to a head during Tiffin held by Congressman Harriet Harman on a sugar beet farm in Boston, Lincolnshire. Intolerant of Harman’s constant austerity speak, weak-as-gnats-piss brew and Digestive biscuits, the statesmen ejected the tea (and Harman) into the adjacent marina, and decamped to Burger King for a Double Whopper and banana milkshake.

At the check-signing ceremony at Checkers this morning, Senator Cameron said: “The United Kingdom was an embarrassing center for financial horse-trading, thinly disguised as the World’s quaintest gift shop. The population has been slowly adapting to American ways with their twerks, jerks, cronuts, Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo and Kardashians, while choosing to ignore the financial elephant-in-the-room. Hell, we can’t even find our own headline for Glastonbury any more. Becoming American was an obvious move for the U.K. as the population was just about there anyway. Oh, and we have also completely run out of money.”

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.