UnNews:"Unbeachable" Titanic II beaches soon after leaving port
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:16:59 (UTC) |
| "Unbeachable" Titanic II beaches soon after leaving port | 
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27 September 2010
SOUTHAMPTON, Great Britain -- After decades of unreliable ships, the luxury cruise liner company Aperture Science decided to come out with a 98 Year Anniversary Cruise Liner called the Titanic II. Piloted by two comically and lethally conflicted A.I.s, GLaDOS and HAL 9000, the Titanic II's maiden voyage was to be a mirror image of its predecessor, the Titanic, going from Southampton to New York City.
Many people were happily boarding the Titanic II, which urged celebrities such as Oprah Winfrey, Octomom, Barack Obama, Betty White, and Sarah Palin to board. It was reported that when Jay Leno attempted to board, he was prohibited because he didn't pay the luggage fee for his chin. It is also said that Rush Limbaugh was denied access.
Aperture Science's CEO, Tony Stark, gave the following remark:
| “ | As the Titanic II sets sail on her maiden voyage, I have this declaration to say: the Titanic II is unsinkable. And furthermore, it is unbeachable. We left beaching for whales and for the cast of Jersey Shore. | ” |
After Stark's rousing testimony of the ship's stability, the Titanic II sailed off into the sunset. Later that night, while GLaDOS and HAL 9000 were busy hacking into the popular MMORPG World of Warcraft, the ship lost control and crashed into a massive iceberg named Rosie O'Donnell. THe subsequent impact veered the Titanic off course, in which in crashed into a nearby road in Boston, Massachusetts.
Everyone onboard suffered a painful and gorey death; Sarah Palin was taking her two pet grues, Ronald and Dubya onboard. The two escaped after the collision. Is is also noted that GLaDOS released toxic neurotoxins and that HAL 9000 refused to open the pod bay doors of the ship. The lone survivor of the Titanic II was Betty White, who hid in a large refridgerator full of meat. Apparently, she met Lady Gaga in there as well, who was foraging for meat to make her meat dress; however, the smell of her meat dress attracted the grues, who consequently ate her soul.
Below is an eyewitness clip of a passerby who watched the Titanic II crash. It may cause younger viewers to randomly regurgitate at syncopated intervals.
Sources[edit]
- The ██████████ ████████████████████████ of America
- The Official ████████████████████████████████ of the ████████████████ (Subsidiary of the CIA)