UnNews:"Creepy" clowns terrorize America

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Thursday, December 9, 2021, 11:49:59 (UTC)

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6 October 2016

Normal people simply do not look like this.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Clowns are frightening citizens across America.

It started in South Carolina with tales of clowns trying to lure children into the woods. Sightings have since spread to other states and even to the White House. Police across California are trying to calm the public as the costumed hoaxsters frighten residents and users of Twitter, always in 140 or fewer characters. Police in Modesto advised, "If you see a clown, avoid contact and report the circumstances to us immediately."

White House press secretary "Josh" "Earnest" stressed that the nation is much safer than it was in 2009. Except for the clowns. And the multiple lone wolves, acting in concert, who above all do not represent Islam, even though they shout Allah Ackbar before they open fire.

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Clown shortage threatens the nation

Of the two, clowns have traditionally spread laughter and gaiety. But they are now spreading terror, and within weeks of Halloween, prompting city after city to pass ordinances against going trick-or-treating dressed as a clown, and prompting universities to decree more Trigger Warnings and Safe Zones so that little Junior can master those pesky multiplication tables in tranquility. In the recent Vice Presidential debate, two clowns did everything but the old pie-in-the-face bit.

Asked about this worrisome transformation, Harvard behavioral professor Norm Chomsky, who dabbles in clowning himself, responded, "It has to do with the Presidential election and the awful choice that the voters face." The election occurs barely a week after that other national holiday also involving dressing weirdly and begging for unearned goods.

John Boehner was at the podium the day Americans began cowering at the sight of a clown.

"The electorate thought that, after showing the nation it really would vote for a "black" President, and then taking the dare to re-elect him, it only had to wait four years. The President would be term-limited out, and Americans could finally get their country back. Every time the question was, 'How much longer does he have to be President for us to win the bet?' the answer was 2016."

He said, "The panic over clowns is actually the sudden realization that the 2016 election is about nothing." The only choice is between a couple of doddering 70-year-olds, neither of whom is making any sense, with a Libertarian thrown in for comic relief, and the result is just as likely to reflect loathing of the loser than an actual agreement with the winner's proposals. "You can't blame the public for tearful shrieks when they see a[nother] clown," the Professor said.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who is never out and about without clown-face, said, "We have to vote for one of these clown-suits, so you can see who is in it."