Toronto Maple Leafs
| Mommy, what’s that smell? | |
 Next year: Ice Capades | |
Conference |
Leastern |
|---|---|
| Division | Last |
| Founded | 1.5 billion years ago |
| Arena | Air Pollution Centre |
| City | Toronto (Capital of Self-Absorbia) |
| Colours | Sad Blue, Plain White |
| Fans | Not very bright |
| Owner | Lardo Bullard |
| General manager | Barney and friends |
| Head coach | Some Canadian guy |
| Captain | Celine Dion Phaneuf |
| Stanley Cups | 13 (none since 1967) |
Conference championships |
What’s that? |
“We added some new players.... the Leafs are gonna be really good next year!”
“Well we missed the playoffs again but we'll add some more new players in the summer... I think the Leafs are gonna be be really good NEXT year!”
“1967. Thats forty eight years you dumbfucks. We had fifteen since then! Suck it losers.”
“...But none in the past twenty years.”
History[edit]
The Toronto Maple Leafs are a "hockey" team in the National Hockey League. They play 82 regular season games a year, plus pre-season games, but never more than that. Most Leaf players refer to the hockey season as yearly winter training for their true passion: golf.
Also known as the "Toronto Make-Me-Laffs", "Toronto Make Beleafs", "Toronto Maple Fucks" and "Toronto Maple Queefs" have been known for their skilled antics, both on and off the course. Some of these activities include the breaststroke, hide 'n' go seek, tag, making "vroom" sounds while pretending to hold a steering wheel and calling the goalie "silly" after being scored on, Also being able to build loser teams consistently. Cheering for the team is regarded as witchcraft in some parts of Canada, and religious groups routinely warn of the dangers of Leafs' worship. The idea of a team was first thought of shortly after the team founder suffered a serious head injury while reciting the alphabet.
The Leafs are the richest and most popular franchise in the NHL. They charge an average of over $100 per ticket and sell out every game, even though the team has missed the playoffs seven years in a row and haven't made it to the Stanley Cup Finals in 43 years. They have the longest current streak of seasons without a playoff appearance. They also have the longest Stanley Cup drought. They have never won more than 2 playoff rounds in their entire existence. They typically entertain their fans with drawn-out pre-game ceremonies lauding the accomplishments of past Leafs greats such as Allan Bester and Russ Courtnall. Their fans refer to themselves as "Leafs Nation", however fans of other teams typically refer to them as "morons" or "fucking retards".
The Toronto Maple Leafs were purchased by Billy Mays in 1924. He aqcuired the team for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Mays also threw in backup goalie Olaf Kolzig ABSOLUTELY free!!! However, Mays soon died of a heart attack caused by low blood pressure, due to his constant masturbation to his own commercials, namely for KABOOM! and OXICLEAN! Mays came back to life in 1975, but was not allowed at any event that has anything to do with the Maple Leafs. They really screwed him over.
Sunny is known as the first Polish hockey player to ever play for the Leafs. He had a remarkable debut, scoring a hat-trick and getting three assists, but his success was short lived after he was raped the next day by a small black man named Ryan Thirumaran. To this day, no one has yet found Ryan, as he is difficult to spot due to the fact that he only goes out at night.
The Leafs are owned by a stupid fat bastard. This same fat bastard also owns the Weather Network and the colour orange.
Nowadays with Toronto all you can do is sit back, relax and laugh your fucking ass off. All they can hope for is Chuck Norris to play on their team or Armageddon to come and end their laughing stock of a so called "team".
The Leafs have a tradition of recruiting goons with no particular talent, such as Wade Belak, Hal Gil, Darcy Tucker, and Bryan McCabe. However, under the new management of Brian Burke, the team has turned to skill as a way to win. Signing all-stars such as Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Colby Armstrong, Dion Phaneuf, Kris Versteeg, Brett Lebda, Nazem Kadri and Fredrik Sjostrom have put The Leafs on the brink of Cup contention.
Highlights[edit]
File:Toskala Lets In a BAD Bouncing Goal - NYI vs TOR-Mar 18 08
The Owners/Management[edit]
Over the years, the current owners of the Leafs have encourage signing a lot of free agents. They even tried to sign Jesus, but he didn't want play for the evil teachers pension fund. This evil current owner of the Leafs lure the children with their teachers and eats them.
As you already read, the Leafs are majority owned by the evil Toronto's Teachers Pension Fund, also known as the TPF. To be more efficient, the TPF only hires the most qualified people for the job. Here is their actual lineup:
CF- Cliff Fetcher. Loves to disgustingly overpay mediocre players and give every player No Trade Clauses.
PM- Paul Maurice. Used to draw up the plans, but was fired by the Evil Pensioner's Fund because his plans sucked. His main plan consisted of:
FIRST PERIOD:
Play Sundin a lot. Let him be badass and kill the other team.
SECOND PERIOD:
Give Sundin a rest. Guys like Matt Stajan and Thomas Kaberle give him a bit of a rest, only allowing Toskala to see about 30 shots, with 10% of them being saved.
SECOND INTERMISSION:
Claim that they've got this in the bag, even if the score is 16-0 the other way. The fans also agree with this viewpoint: these are the guys who post on forums that the Leafs will win the northeast, and then the Stanley Cup. This season.
THIRD PERIOD:
Keep Bryan McCabe on the ice as much as possible. This assures victory most of the time. We guess.
OVERTIME:
Same as third period. Especially during Sabres games.
SHOOTOUT:
Rely on Sundin and mediocrity.
POST GAME:
Gloat victory, regardless of final score. Blame any mistakes on non existent player injuries.
Ron Wilson - New Poon Trainer. Likes to yell in traffic jams to get his voice into shape. Acting as a door boy when his buddy Brian Burke decides to leave a successful team to ruin his GM career/end his life/manage the Leafs. Known for embarassing 18 year old rookies publicly and talking about his regular season success in San Jose. Consistently abandons his players and takes credit when the team happens to win 1 out of every 12 games.
Mats Sundin- Former captain of the Leafs. Favorite moves include bashing the back of the puck holder's head. He is bald because that's how the he likes it. Some say he left the Leafs because they are awful. Those people would be right.
Jason Blake- Newest recruit, not fully transformed. He doesn't have that much power as Sundin, but makes up for it with speed.
Nik Antropov- Has improved a lot this year, too bad he still sucks. Huge, can destroy more than one helicopter at a time. Has now moved on to the New York Rangers.
Carlos Amigos (ironically not Spanish) Colaiacovo- Generally gets injured for prolonged periods before, after and during poon stomping.
The McCabe Code[edit]
If you can't beat them...join them. He showed this during an overtime game against the Sabres where he scored them the overtime winner with 4 seconds left in the game in his own net. Constant cough ups selfish play and his ability to take bad penalties at the worst times in a game will solidify his place as a Leaf legend.
Rivalries[edit]
The Maple Leafs' worst rival is the Montreal Canadiens, given the long history of Original Six match-ups between the two clubs. The fact that Toronto is a bigger and more important city than Montreal also gives the rivalry a provincial flair, which is perhaps best captured in the popular Canadian short story, "The Habs Thrive". The Leafs also share a rivalry with the Ottawa Senators. The Ottawa Senators are a newer team but that doesn't stop them from continuously losing to the Leafs in the playoffs. Since the lockout these rivalries has come to a standstill, especially since the Leafs have waited more than 30 years to avenge the Habs in the playoffs. And their only rival in the United States is the Detroit Red Wings, against which the Leafs manage to win year after year, despite the wide disparity between the two teams' skill levels.
But their biggest rival of all is themselves. Every year the Leafs hold a Blue vs White game. The losing team is sacrificed on Breakfast Television, the biggest human sacrifice themed television program on Canadian television.
Following[edit]
Unfortunately, thanks to fascist press media, the Maple Leafs are very popular across Canada. A large percentage of Leafs fans suffer from battered-wife syndrome and are known to actually enjoy the decades of constant disappointment.
Conversely, there is an equally passionate dislike of the team by fans of other teams, and not just the Canadiens fans (Senators fans too, and also fans from the Oilers and Canucks, Cheesepuffs and Booins fans to a lesser extent). In November 2002, the Leafs were named by Sports Illustrated as the "Most Hated Team in Hockey". This is also coupled with the fact that networks like TSN and CBC cater to the Leafs which draws the ire of the rest of Canada, particularly prairie folk. Giving the people of Canada a steady diet of bottom 5 hockey all season long increasing the hatred for this organization further, except for a stretch spanning the final third of the 2010-2011 season, as well as the first quarter of the 2011-2012 season and the 2012-2013 season, where they actually played half-decently, also drawing the ire of more hockey fans.
Family Court routinely awards the team custody of abused children, as the Ontario judicial system has concluded that the Maple Leafs are incapable of beating anyone.
2013 season[edit]
After eight years missing the playoffs, a strike-shortened 2012-13 season finally gave the Leafs a chance to sneak into the post-season. This occurred when the other 29 teams decided by secret vote to throw a lot of games. The two Leaf home playoff dates would then generate over $98 million in revenue, mainly due to ridiculously high ticket prices, with half going to the league.
The Leafs overcame a 3-game-to-1 lead by the Boston Bruins, convincing hockey fans that a new era of championship hockey had begun. The Fans were again convinced of this, after the Leafs blew that advantage and had to close out the season in Boston, when the team led the Bruins, 4-1 with 11 minutes left in the deciding game. The Fans were wrong again, and the John Labatt Breweries, Ltd., were unfortunately accused of producing a bad batch of Blue that produced the spontaneous bout of street vomiting near the big-screen televisions in front of the arena.
A key to the squander was a goaltending style that deliberately created rebounds rather than covering up the puck. Club spokesmen said that the advantage of loose pucks right in front of the Leafs' goal was that the team did better than it would have done trying to win face-offs.
The social consequences of this episode were to delay the Maple Leafs' annual April golf tournament by two weeks, into May. Dion Phaneuf is favored to win again--but not a hockey game.
Asset management[edit]
Asset management has always haunted the Leafs, but it became more pronounced in the 1990s up to 2011. They traded away valuable pieces in the making just to get some help in the present, squandering their future as they passed up Roberto Luongo, Scott Niedermeyer and Tyler Seguin for Wendel Clark, Tom Kurvers and Phil Kessel respectively. They continued to suck because of their awful asset management; in an attempt to repair the damage Kessel has done to the Make-Me-Laffs, they traded away their best golfer (and arguably the best golfer in the NHL, now an Habs player), Tomas Kaberle, for Boston's first-round draft pick and Joe "Bourne Supremacy" Colborne, a big centre prospect hailed as the savior of the franchise, the one that will restore the Bourne Supremacy (er, playoff runs) back for the Leafs.
However, most hockey and golf experts outside Toronto agree that Colborne will be nothing more than a second-rate golfer that happen to play centre. For this reason, the Leafs are expected to suck both on the ice and on the golf course for the foreseeable future.
Randy Carlyle era[edit]
Randy Carlyle was brought in to solve the Ron Wilson problem. Any Toronto fan could have predicted this coaching change because the Leafs seem to be best friends with the Anaheim Ducks, with Anaheim taking all of the goalies and shitty contracts that have failed in Toronto (Johnathan Bernier, Jhonas Enroth, the list goes on and on). Also, the mentality behind the coaching change was obviously, he won a Cup in Anaheim, so that means we will win one here. That was wrong. He was successful at seeing the playoffs with the Leafs, but this was because of the above stated, other teams being paid to throw the games. Dave Nonis, being fooled by this playoff appearance, figured that the Leafs were a contender because they made one playoff round. He signed Phil Kessel and Dion Phaneuf (who were given the title by the fans, Dumb and Dumber) to massive 8 year contracts, fucking the Leafs from ever having a good player that wanted money to play for them for the next 8 years. After the Leafs failed to make the playoffs for 2 straight years after that, Carlyle was fired, and the Leafs still sucked.
Shannaplan[edit]
Brendan Shannahan was named team president after the Nonis and Carlyle era. He was given the impossible task to make them better again. He decided he was going to make a whole different team. He hired legendary coach, Mike Babcock. No one knows why he went to a useless Leafs team when he was coaching a more powerful Detroit Redwings. Shannahan then hired another legend, Lou Lamoriello as GM. All of them gave away the team, and started picking up draft picks. They tanked their first year together in order to get Auston Matthews at 1st overall. The tank made the NHL furious. They still tried to pay teams to throw the games against the Leafs, but it wasn't possible anymore. The Leafs were so bad, even Team Kazakhstan could've beaten them. Now, after rebuilding the team, with a lot of younger players, and Frederik Andersen, a goalie who actually knows how to catch a puck (unlike James Reimer), the Leafs are not looking that bad, and our on their way to their first playoff birth since 2012-2013.
John Tavares[edit]
Throughout the period of time that occured during June 2018, rumor spread that Canada's next native son John Tavares, was approaching UFA. In what ultinately became known as INDECISION 2018, John met with several failing franchises who were interested in his services. A 77 page book was compiled which indicated each franchises notable accomplishments in failing. The teams who met included the Maple Laughs, the San Jose Sharks who had recently choked in the 2016 Stanley Cup Final and New York Islanders Tavares' current legacy failure team. After much deliberation and having met with Brendan ShannaBan, Tavares was so impressed by the teams lack of success since 1967 and having been a child watching the team continuously fail during his youth, he made a decision to sign a 7 year eternally binding contract, promising to continue the Teams history of Choking and Failing and restricting any further growth in the franchise his multi-million dollar cap hit. John Tavares was the newest member of the Toronto Maple Leafs following in the footsteps of Bryan McCabe, Bryan Berard, Michael Peca, Jason Blake, and Matt Martin, John Tavares proceeded to celebrate the legacy by jumping in his Giant Pile of Money in his Maple Leafs Pajamas he has kept with him since he was 9 years old. Fans of the tea reacted by screaming "JOHN TAVARES!," "JOHN TAVARES!,"JOHN TAVARES!,"JOHN TAVARES!,"JOHN TAVARES!" all across Ontario causing the CN Tower to collapse on the struggling Toronto Blue Jays beisbol team. Only Time will Tell how many new ways this MAPLE LAUGHS team will learn to Fail.
Trivia[edit]
- When the Leafs last won the Stanley Cup, Jimi Hendrix had just finished recording his debut album. The Doors had just released their debut album. The Beatles were readying Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band for release. NASA had yet to send a man to the moon. There isn't a colour picture of the Make-Beleafs with the Stanley Cup. Needless to say, it was a long, long fucking time ago.
- Canadian law states that should the Leafs win at least one preseason game, the city of Toronto must immediately plan the Leafs’ Stanley Cup Parade route.
Individual awards[edit]
No Maple Leaf has won a Conn Smythe Trophy as "Playoff MVP" since 1967.
No Maple Leaf has won the Hart Trophy as "Regular Season MVP" since 1955.
No Maple Leaf has won the Calder Trophy as "Rookie of the Year" since 1966.
No Maple Leaf has won the Vezina Trophy as "Best Goaltender" since 1965.
No Maple Leaf has ever won the Art Ross Trophy as the NHL Scoring Leader since the Awards inception in 1947.
No Maple Leaf has ever won the Norris Trophy as the "Best Defensive Player" since the Awards inception in 1954.
The only major award that has been won by a Leaf player for on-ice performance in the last twenty years was Alex Mogilny's winning of the Lady Byng Trophy in 2002-2003, which is awarded to the friendliest player in the league.
Leafs records[edit]
- Most goals, period- The Posts, 1 (Dec. 17, 1918)
- Most goals, game- The Posts, 1 (Dec. 17, 1918)
- Most goals, season- Bryan "WRONG NET, DAMMIT!" McCabe, 45 (all into own net) (2006-07)
- Most goals, career- McCabe again, -151
- Most assists, period- McCabe again, 23 (all on opponents' goals) (56 occasions)
- Most assists, game- McCabe AGAIN (You see a pattern developing here?), -34 (95 occasions)
- Most assists, season- Big Bird, 2 (1919-20)
- Lowest GAA, season- Vesa Toskala, 998.76 (2945-46)
- Lowest GAA, career- Stewie Griffin, 78.94 (1994-95 and 2004-05 lockouts)
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