Columbus Blue Jackets
“I think we need a cannon...”
The Columbus Blue Jackets are a semi-professional hockey team situated in Columbus, Ohio that was founded in 1997 and entered the league as an expansion team even though they didn't expand from anything in the year 2000. They play in the Eastern Conference in the Metropolitan Division. Their fanbase primarily consists of Civil war reenactors, who swear an oath to the official "Blue Jackets" code of honor. The team has brought home an impressive 0 Stanley Cups, 0 Conference Championships, 0 Division Championships, and 0 President's trophies. They have a rich history in missing the playoffs and killing fans with stray slapshots, as well as firing cannonballs into the crowd with a literal cannon.
History[edit]
In 1997, the town of Columbus, Ohio gathered within the local ice cream shop when all the sudden, an army recruiter busted through the doors of the parlor. He said "an attack will occur on our homeland in 4 years" and subsequently requested 10 volunteer units so they could strike Osama Bin Laden before he could strike the USA. The town raised a total of 23 volunteer regiments consisting mainly of 50 year old Civil War reenactors. They were nicknamed "Blue Jackets" by the US government; However, before they were deployed, a CIA sniper eliminated the recruiter because 9/11 was pivotal to their future plan of world domination. The old men originally protested this as they had just suited up in their historical equipment from Amazon.com; eventually, they gave up and went home. Conveniently, 75% of the reenactors died from heart attacks and suicide in the following week.
The next year, the town hall decided that they wanted to be something significant. They pondered many different ideas such as state fairs, academic conventions, hot dog eating contests, competitive underwater basket weaving, and Televised Nude Modeling. Eventually the town chose that they wanted an ice hockey team, preferably in the NHL. Originally they couldn't figure out a name, as the state of Ohio didn't really have anything special about it. Eventually, someone proposed that they call them the “Columbus Blue Jackets”. That someone was none other than John H. McConnell, who would be the future owner of the Jackets. The town hall passed this notion and accepted the Blue Jackets as the official name for the new team.
For about 3 years, the Jackets were not a team and were pinballed around the NHL offices because fans kept dying of hysterics every time they proposed their entry. Eventually, they entered the league as an Expansion team (even though they didn't expand from anything) with the Minnesota Wild.
Early Years[edit]
The Columbus Blue Jackets began playing in the NHL during the 2000 season. Following many losses, the team missed the playoffs, subsequently kicking off what would be many years of failure. In the following years, they missed the playoffs 2 years straight and were scorned by many for their losses. This began a form of “bad blood” between the organization and everyone else. This amounted to little until 2002, when a player "accidentally" missed a goal and sent a puck flying into the stands. Their opening seasons--in simple terms-- were a few cups short of a cabinet.
The Price of Attendance[edit]
On March 16th, 2002, a young woman named Brittanie Cecil walked into the arena. When she was asked for tickets, she said that she was short 2 cents and begged to be let in. When denied, the proceeded to sneak into the game. She thought she had gotten away with it, until Derek Morris received orders from high-commander McConnell to terminate the intruder. He sent a slapshot into the stands, which hit her square in the head. She died the next day and the Jacket's first assassination was completed. While official ruling determined it to be an accident, one memo referred to it as the "Price of Admission" and claimed that she should have paid up.
The Cannon[edit]
The Blue Jackets home arena hosts a large cannon that was created in response to fan criticism. Whenever someone opposes the Jackets, the organization orders the firing crew to launch a singular cannonball into the rowdy fan. The cannon also serves multiple secondary purposes, it is fired when the Jackets start the game, when the jackets win the game, and when the Jackets score. The winning shots are rather rare. The cannon fires real cannonballs that are hand forged with a touch of love and care.
The cannon is reported to symbolize the patriotism and bravery of the people who inspired the name "Blue Jackets" and has nothing to do with the team. It is the teams main calling card and serves as a staple in the franchise.
Their One Star Player[edit]
- Rick Nash was the Blue Jackets saving grace and carried the team to the first round of the playoffs once, whilst boasting an impressive 0 advancements into the second round. Nash was sold to the Rangers following an incident in which he got his wiener stuck in the goalies face mask, and the Jackets have failed to find anyone to carry their franchise upon since.
Franchise Statistics[edit]
- Playoffs appearances: .23 (as of 2015)
- Number of confirmed slapshot assassinations: 0
- Number of cannon fatalities: 0 (as of 2017)
- Win/Loss ratio: 0
- Stanley Cups: 0
- Presidents Trophies: 0
- Conference Championships: 0
- Division Championships: 0
The Modern Era[edit]
References[edit]
See also[edit]
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