Rick Nash

Rick Nash's mugshot, just hours before learning he would be serving a 10 year sentence for the Columbus Blue Jackets.

“"Dick Rash"? What's his name again?”

~ Radio analyst Bob McElligott, who has less chance of pronouncing the names of any of Nash's replacements

Rick Nash was a hockey player, and was-and-is a convicted felon, who served a 10-year sentence for the Columbus Blue Jackets. He has since been released and plays for some team on the other side of the Appalachians.

Crime and punishment

Rick was an upstanding hockey player for the London, Ontario Knights. While out with his teammates one night, they challenged some boys at a figure skating rink to a hockey game. The minors, due to their dexterity and grace, skated circles around Nash and his team and beat them 3-0. Nash was never a good sport about losing and decided to kidnap one of the boys and force him to teach Nash how to skate like he did. After a couple of days, the boy's parents contacted the Dicks (slang for "Police" in Canada). Shortly after, Rick turned himself in. Claiming no harm was done, Nash pleaded not guilty. The judge, however, took an opposing view and sentenced Nash to a double minor and a game misconduct, designating the Columbus Blue Jackets as the penalty box .

Columbus Blue Jackets

Columbus, Ohio is a prison city that had just recently acquired enough inmates to support its own club in the National Hockey League. The name "Blue Jackets" refers to the prison-issue uniforms that players must wear at all times. During his 10 years, Nash averaged an impressive 35 goals per season for the Blue Jackets — which wasn't hard to do when the average Columbus player amounts to little more than a scarecrow on skates. This high performance led to a single post-season appearance. Every time the Blue Jackets would be close to scoring a third goal the crowd would chant "Chili! Chili!". Rick is a huge, huge fan of chili (his classmates in grade school would always call him chili-face for some reason) but he thought the fans chanted this to spite his addiction.

Trade rumors

One of Nash's many chili-induced hallucinations where he thinks he's won the Stanley Cup

Columbus started the 2011 season on a tear, with 2 wins and 12 losses. This was the worst start to an NHL season in nineteen years, unless you count both the 2004 (lock-out) year and the 2012 (lock-out) year, and even then the Blue Jackets were at "five hundred." All eyes began to turn to Nash, or rather to his megabuck contract. General Manager Scott Howson stridently maintained that he not only had no interest in trading Nash away but he had absolutely no discussions along those lines, and pink Post-Its of telephone calls "While You Were Out" to the contrary were just "my secretary having a bit of fun."

As the season wore on, however, Nash volunteered that he would waive the no-trade clause in his contract "if it will help the franchise and finally earn me some chili." He further offered to waive the clauses in his contract that called for him to be paid for playing, strategically repositioning his body so that Howson could see the crossed fingers behind his back.

Trade facts

Nash was eventually traded away, for three players with Slavic surnames, a first-round pick in the following year's draft, and a tricked out name tag. Columbus fans were enthused that, with a chance to pick again, the club might get it right, this time.

See also

• Labor disputes
• National Hockey League
• HowTo:Sell Your Soul To the Devil Rangers
• Columbus Blue Jackets