St. Clairsville, Ohio
St. Clairsville is the seat of Belmont County in the U.S. state of Ohio. It is nicknamed "Paradise on a Hill." While similar to Reagan's "Shining City on a Hill", St. Clairsville was built on a hill that had no shine at all; it stays matté even after a good rainstorm. The Native Americans referred to the place as "Wayscomah," literally, "Where we stow the tents when not in use." From this humble beginning sprang a full-fledged All-American town, unique in one or two ways, but overall a symbol of what Americans strive for, for themselves and their 2.3 (average) children.
The town motto, "Keep the riff-raff out," sets a standard for cities and towns throughout America. St. Clairsville is home to many MILFs: women in their forties trying to look like they are in their twenties, and desirous of relationships with men either in their teens or on their pensions.
St. Clairsville was named after Saint Clair, the patron saint of losers.
Demographics[edit]
As of the Census of 2000, there were 5,057 residents. The racial makeup of the city was 94.48% white, 3.08% African American, 0.04% Native American (which sure reads as though there were more than two of them), 1.36% Asian, 0.04% Pacific Islander, 0.16% from other races (clearly, homosexual), and 0.83% from two or more races (that's even gayer).
Latinos were 0.47% of the population, but this ultra-precise figure is really a guess, as when Census takers visited Walmart, over half of the Latinos had mysteriously fallen ill.
Attractions[edit]
National Road Bikeway[edit]
The National Road Bikeway was opened in 1998 to rave reviews. Its futuristic architecture has kept residents entertained for years, just as a strobe light entertains an epileptic. It is a straight path, 5 miles long, too wide for a lawn tractor but too slim for an automobile. Attractions along the bikeway include: a bridge, a tunnel, trees, grass, puddles, rocks, and the occasional too-fat-to-fly pigeon that has survived the malice of local teenagers only to be torn limb from limb by the neighbor's escaped tabby.
Many Villebillies enjoy spending long hours at the bike trail, staring in amazement as a cow defecates just yards from the trail, or catching copper-infused drops of water from the stalactites in the train tunnel, in vain hopes that hard water has some of the same medicinal properties as hard liquor.
Jamboree In the Hills[edit]
Located only a few minutes from St. Clairsville is one of the largest disappointments in the central United States. Jamboree in the Hills has been a sad specter for over 30 years, and continues to attract schlubs (that is, fans of country music) from all over the country and as far away as Canada.
During this event, every redneck in America not otherwise occupied with NASCAR descends on St. Clairsville, snatches all the food off supermarket shelves, and dominates the highways. Actual residents cannot eat, leave, or visit the woods. The physical and cultural depredation of this annual invasion is sending Saint-Cee back to the Stone Age even faster than the locals do on their own during the other 51 weeks of the year. This prospect doesn't scare but merely excites the transient "Jamboers," who look upon the city's residents much as a hound dog does while mesmerized by a doggie treat held high above its head.
Revitilation [sic] Task Force[edit]
This task force describes itself on the city web site as "self-motivated individuals...interested in...revitalizing the unique...characteristics of...Downtown" which, happily, are not specified.
Uncyclopedia Senior Editors have concluded that "revitilation" must have something to do with vitiligo. Inducing disease that would turn residents' skin whiter could mitigate some of the racial strife noted at the start of this article.
The City does own the historic Clarendon Hotel, and Wikipedia states that the City "intends to redevelop" it. With only a couple coats of whitewash, this building could be revitilated [sic], or something.
Acquiring the rest of St. Clairsville and intending to redevelop it is a promising Way Forward for the future--except that President Obama has just done the same for the entire Rust Belt, the goal here not being "revitilation" but funkification.
Other service organizations[edit]
The St. Clairsville two-tooth club--hard to say, harder to join if you were born in the Ohio Valley--meets monthly in the dental-hygiene aisle of the St. Clairsville Walmart. Members discuss tooth brushing, dental floss, and oral service.
Exciting neighbors[edit]
St. Clairsville is a mere stone's throw (actually, a stone's roll) from exciting West Virginia. (Not the "panhandle," as one refers to the protuberance in Eastern West Virginia along the headwaters of the Potomac River, but the other appendage toward the north, known as "the thingie.") One can duck across the Ohio River at Wheeling for an evening of foreign culture and cuisine, trading vitiligo for vittles. You cannot always get Blackened Bluefish, but you can always get Peppered Possum, or grouse. If, rather than grouse, you select the fowl, discreetly move the "pepper" to the side of the plate, because buckshot contains lead.
Recent events[edit]
Monkeys![edit]
In November 2007, a truck pulling a trailer of monkeys accidently crashed in St. Clairsville. Luckily, no one was seriously injured and the monkeys were fine. The monkeys were quickly recaptured before test scores in the area improved. The city kept one of the monkeys and appointed it Assistant Mayor.
Sarah Palin visit[edit]
In October 2008, GOP vice-presidental nominee, and then Alaska governor, Sarah Palin made a campaign stop at the Aldermann Airport west of the city. Over 1,000 people came to see the governor in anticipation of her new movie, The Geezer and the Mountie.
Following her visit, one citizen recapped the events, "It's so exciting when famous people come to visit. I just can't believe that she was really here. I've watched Desperate Housewives for years, but now I finally get to meet Nicolette Sheridan." Nicolette Sheridan was unavailable or too ashamed to comment.
Famous Natives[edit]
- Benjamin Lundy (former resident and Quaker anti-slavery leader)
- Jeremy Sowers (current starting pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, so that almost makes him God here. He gets free coffees and donuts whenever he allows his shadow to fall upon the town.)
- John Jacob Lentz (founder of the American Insurance Union, but no one cares at this point.)
- Sgt. Sylvester Antolak (Congressional Medal of Honor recipient. A good man doing a boy's job. Don't get into a fire fight with him if you know what's good for you.)
- Former Congressman Bob Ney (Jack Abramoff's butt buddy in prison. When released, he plans to re-enter public life and perhaps move into the Mayor's Suite at the Clarendon. If he can unseat the monkey.)