National Hockey League rules

A referee reacting to the mention of "rules" and how he can't do anything he wants.

The National Hockey League is a professional sports league that operates in Canada and the USA. Owing to the fact that it is an organized league, it needed rules. Rules are a fundimental piece of sports. After all, what would stop Sidney Crosby from gunning down Alexander Ovechkin with an AK-47? These are the NHL rules.

The lines, what do they mean?

The Chicago Blackhawks Chicago Blackskins arena diagram will be used for reference

The lines on the ice serve more purpose than decoration. The blue lines serve as markers for the beginning of a team's zone. This serves as a marker for many penalties and no-calls based on the referee's discretion and personal bias. The red line deeper in the zone serves as a marker for icing. Also, while not pictured, there is a trapezoid behind the net that defines where the goalie can have his 2 seconds of playmaking where he can pass the puck. There is also a blue box near the front of the net which serves as the goalie's crease. This is where the goalie can rest easy knowing that the only thing coming into the crease are pucks coming at 90 mph and the occasional full-body tackle.

The red circles scattered about

The red circles that are seen seemingly randomly sprinkled about the ice were not in fact created by aliens. They are intentionally placed to serve as a face-off circle. Players will line up head to head in the hope of touching the puck with their stick first. The puck has no set time of dropping and will only be dropped when the referee completes the official checklist, listed below.

• Have I been paid? If no, look behind you and yell at the two players vying for a better spot.
• Has Gary Bettman personally blessed this puck drop? If no, make someone leave the circle.
• Did you wake up on the right side of the bed? If no: stop, stand up, and yell at players for no reason.
• Have the stars aligned? If not, redo the list, waiting 5 seconds between each check.

Penalties

There are 3 standard penalty formats that the council of Gary Bettman decided upon. First, the minor penalty... Minor penalties are very common, so common in fact that the Texas state government has declared open season on them and has designated them as a nuisance. They are the "long arm" of the stripe-shirts and serve as a way to waste time in the games to help improve advertising times. Second off, there are double minors. If you thought there were too many minors, just double that and see how it goes. Next, we have the major. The major is based solely off the referee's discretion and is only used in the most "dire" of circumstances. We can also mention the ejection, where the player is strapped in to the penalty box's ejection seat and launched 40 feet in the air.

Notable penalties

• Slashing- Have you ever looked at your stick and thought "man this would be good for swinging and hitting"? Well, the hooligans up above ensured that you cannot act upon this desire, as you will receive a penalty (usually a minor) for using the stick in it's intended role.
• Cross Check- You may find yourself on the path of collision with another player. You will probably think "I should use this stick to brace myself!" Simply put, no, You will get a penalty for hitting with your stick in a horizontal manner.
• Hooking- Hooking is using your stick to "hook up" with another player.

Rule excerpts

The NHL rulebook is renown for its efficiency. It's streamlined design allows it to fit in the pockets of any referee, fan, or angry coach.

These are some excerpts from the updated 2023 Edition of "The NHL Rulebook". The handy book serves as a guide for referees and officials.

Section 1: Conduct on the Ice

1. All players must kiss the referee's feet as a sign of respect before every puck dropping. Bowing down is a sign of respect among many different cultures, and the NHL thought that everyone's favorite whistleblowers should be kissed on the feet for some twisted reason.
2. All players must strip down for nude wrestling on the ice prior to a penalty shot. The popular sport of dude wrangling wrestling was widley requested on the ice.
3. If a player feels like fighting, they may throw a punch at the nearest player. People began to complain that there wasn't enough fighting and hockey should become a "Competitive Iceskating Ballet". As a result, the superior overlords decided that players should just be able to throw punches at one another for the sake of it.
4. Following the "Lady Wilds Incident of 1978", women are not allowed on the ice. Nothing happened in 1978... Nothing... No ice sex... nothing...
5. All Gary Bettman shrines must be cleaned and polished before every season, otherwise the anti-christ himself will be summoned from the depths of the commissioners office.

Section 2: Hair Regulations

1. All pubic hair must be no longer than .5 in (1.27 cm). In 2004, the Chicago Blackhawks invented an infallible strategy known as "Pubic Gerrymandering" in which bigfoot a very hairy Blackhawks player would expose the most sensitive parts of the body to the goalie. Said goalie would permanently blinded by such a jungle. The league formally banned "Pubic Gerrymandering" and required all pubic hair to be trimmed to prevent eye damage among professional players.
2. No ponytails allowed on the ice. Ponytails were banned as referees kept mistaking the men bearing them for women, which are banned on the ice under S1-R5.
3. Jamie Benn is to be shaven bald on-sight to prevent blindness. His hairdo isn't the most flattering, after all...
4. Sidney Crosby's hair is to be dyed "fecal matter yellowish-brown" in honor of his "lackluster" reputation. See Rat for more information.

See also

• Gary Bettman
• NHL

References