Gary Bettman
Hello, basketba...I mean, hockey fans! It's me, your ever lovable commissioner, Gary Bettman! Now, I know a lot of you might be concerned about this "over-expansion" and the "dying markets" in the Southern USA. Nothing could be further from the truth! Why, if the league didn't expand, we'd still be stuck with five teams! And really, who wants a team called the Wanderers? Exactly. Weeding out the old franchises and relocating the slightly successful ones is part of hockey. Why, thanks to expansion, owners are richer than ever, and we can all gloat that we have a super fair salary cap. Now, who can argue with that? Jim Balisillie, that's who! As for the future, under my rule, the NHL will expand from 30 to 72 teams by 2015...and all of them will be winners! That's right: no team will have a losing record! How's that for good basketball! Wait, I mean hockey. Yeah.
As for these so-called dying markets, look at those teams down there. Why, the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Anaheim Ducks have both won Stanley Cups since I came to power. I AM A MEGALOMANIAC. Wait, that came out wrong. Oh well. The point is that all of the money is in the States. The Canadian dollar is worth what, two cents? So forget it, Hamilton. Winnipeg, see you later. Same to you, Quebec City. In fact, when Mexico becomes part of that good old US of A, we plan to move those dead franchises up north down there. Take the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Montreal Canadiens. They're so old they should be playing with canes, not sticks! Hahahahaha!!! Yes, when the time comes, both teams will move down to Mexico, where I shall christen them the Tijuana Illegal Aliens and the Mexico City Mexiciens. (Note the creativity in the odd spelling; it will be used to keep some relation to the team's previous name). We'll be the first North American sports league down there. GO NBA! I MEAN NHL!
Quotes[edit]
"Is it not obvious that the Phoenix Coyotes had somebody show up at one of their games last season? They are obviously a very successful franchise, and moving them to a place like Hamilton would only let them sell out all of our games. And I will not allow the NHL to sell out."
"Last season we installed a 3-point line in hockey. Now, we are going to allow referees to call technical fouls. Next year, we will eliminate skating, hockey sticks and pucks. And we will install basketball hoops, change the playing surface to wood, and look to hire more black players. That'll make the game more entertaining!"
"So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. With me at the wheel, the NHL will only grow stronger and stronger. ALL POWER TO THE OWNERS!"
"As you can tell, my hero is "Dollar Bill" Wirtz, to whom I gave my first born daughter - my second born daughter went to Sean Avery, hence the term, "sloppy seconds"!"
"Never before in the history of hockey..." (Mentioned every year during the Stanley Cup presentation, whether history has been made or not)
"I am Professor Chaos!"
Accomplishments[edit]
- Loves the NBA so much he calls the NHL the "NBA II."
- Hired by the Taliban in 1990 to terrorize Canada.
- Shaved his Middle-eastern beard in 1992 to eliminate suspicion of being connected to the Taliban.
- Voted "Greatest North American League Destroyer" by the Taliban in 2002.
- After hearing about what the Taliban did to America on 9/11/2001, he decided to go even further by eliminating NHL hockey from Canadians lives in 2005.
- Fattest commissioner in the history of North American sports.
- Managed the nearly impossible feat of getting ESPN so pissed off at the NHL, it's now only carried in the USA by a local cable access channel in Detroit (right after "Tool Time"), a low powered Spanish TV station in Los Angeles, MSNBC in San Jose, the MSG (Mono Sodium Glutamate) Channel in New York, and local television stations in Minneapolis, Boston, and Buffalo that are owned by Weird Al Yankovic (all games alternated with showings of "Hogan's Heroes", "Conan the Librarian", and "Jail or No Jail").
- Killed off the World Hockey Association in the 1970s, the Soviet Union National Hockey team in the 1980s, and the International Hockey League in the 1990s: Why? They love that American money, so screw the Canadian dollar!
- Is Jewish, though thats not an accomplishment.