Anti-Christ
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BLASPHEMY!!! God hath declared ye article BLASPHEMOUS!!!. It shall be deleted and its author shall be smitten immediately. Thus spaketh the Lord. Do something about ye problem or else we shall be forced to bring out...the comfy chair! Duh-duh-duh! |
“Doesn't know what he wants but he knows how to get it.”
“I can assure all of you that TSA is not led by the Antichrist, because it's not how we do things in America.”
“I am The Antichrist! It's what I was meant to be!”
Everybody talks about Mary, people jabber about Joseph, even Jesus Christ and those Three Wise Men get mention in this great big all-encompassing autobiography we humans call life. Nobody talks about Joseph's sister Melissa Christ. Or, as Jesus himself would call her were he here today, Auntie Christ. Or, since her death fell long before the invention of "U", Anti-Christ!
Now, lets get down to brass tacks for just a minute here. I know some of you skeptics out there are thinking in your think-factories. You're thinking, "I thought I knew damn near everything about JC!" and, "You're some kinda evil-doer, aren't you?! Tell the truth!"
Recent DNA tests have shown, using samples acquired during the Shroud of Turing Scare of 1988, in events unrelated to a sophisticated heist on the Vatican, a high probability that a recently unearthed ancient tomb lady, inscriptions calling her Anti Melissa Christ and this so-called Jesus Christ are related. Also, several articles in her tomb seemed to indicate heavy ties to the Jesus, including a rare, never-released-on-cd demo recording of the Christs jamming along with pop acid lounge punk extravaganza DHL a.k.a. the Drowning Harp Legumes.
Others argue that every member of the Christ family must have an anti, an arch nemesis. Sam Nicepants, a leading antichristologist, has this to say:
Christs through the ages have had arch nemeses. Look at Denise Christ, once three-time World Batting Act Ocelot Cup Crown Defender of the Year, now, all because of this newcomer, Anti-Denise Christ... Denise no longer has the use of her spleen. And our scientists have unearthed at least a dozen Melissa Christ's over the past three weeks.
Heredity, Family, or Tool of the Devil? You decide!
The most recent Anti-Christ sighting was made in small town in Utah, where the anti-christ is said to play piano and corrupt the could of innocent children by turning them away from metal to a more "decent sound." It is also reported that the Jee-man himself has undergone a quest to destroy this Anti-Christ using the sweet guitar of BB King combined with the philosophical sweetness of Nietzsche.
Who the Hell is He?[edit]
- 10% of Americans believe that the Anti-Christ is Al Gore.
- Another 10% of Americans believe that the Anti-Christ is Hellmo.
- A third 10% of Americans believe that the Anti-Christ is Kermit the Frog, planning his revenge on Jesus for stealing his fans.
- 60% percent of Americans believe that the Anti-Christ is MySpace.
Disney's Little Anti-Christ[edit]
While everyone else is guessing on who Satan's Little Boy is, Hannah Montana is going around as the real Anti-Christ, unbeknownst to her massive gathering of "virgin" 14 year old girls. A recent research on the lyrics to her song "Best of Both Worlds" has found the satanic backmasked lyrics "Death from above!!" In her latest interview with an unknown journalist, she plans to reveal her true identity on February 14, 2016.
See Also[edit]
The Host of Satans | Original Satan: The one who fell first.
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The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
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| Satan Claus: Ensnaring unsuspecting dyslexics looking for Santa.
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Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
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| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
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The scariest Satan: Antichrist
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| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
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The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
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| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
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Satan's younger brother: Stan
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