Strictly Come Dancing
“Man, that guy is old!”
“Nice to penetrate you, to penetrate you, nice!”
“Nice to see you to see you...Dead!”
“What a flipping dickhead”
“Silly old queen.”
“The x factor? Strictly come dancing? Both of them are just bollcks”
The show is based around the premise that all celebrities are idiots, but some can dance. No one proves this more than Tony Blair - winner of the 2005 series. The first half of the show takes the form of a ritual dance based on the broken dreams of Hitler and sacrifice to the god of war George W Bush, and many feel this was Blair's strongest performance of the entire series. The second part of the show sees senile chemist Bruce Forsyth tap dance in order to hypnotize the contestants, whom he then proceeds to ejaculate over. In the final section of the show, the contestants are, at last, asked to perform a ballroom dance of their choice.
Each series lasts for 3 years, twice as long as the X Factor. At the end, a winner is announced and is proclaimed 'Ballroom Dancer of the Year' (which, given the length of each series, is actually a misnomer); this accolade is revered by academics.
After each dance, the contestants are subjected to beatings from the four most prominent ballroom experts: Craig Revels-In-Other-People's-Misfortune, the Nice Cockney Guy Who Can Actually Dance, Vito Corleone and the Wicked Witch of the West. The judges are asked to give a score on different elements of the dances. The most common score is 0.
As well as the judges' scores, the viewing public are asked to phone in and nominate who they believe is the most retarded of all the celebrities. The winner is the person who gains the highest combined score. The phone number for voting is 0800C@227# and this has caused problems since many viewers do not have the '@' sign on their phone.
The Sex-drive Jive
The Meringue (otherwise know as the Pavlova)
The horizontal hokey cokey
The I’ll Pass-o Doble
The Salsa (and Nachos)
The first series aired in 1932 when only 42 people had access to a television. Understandably, voting for this series was minimal however the drama the show created was for some viewers extremely exciting. Expert dancer Anton du Beke appeared in the series and shot to fame as a result. This fame was short-lived, though, as he was killed by Bill Oddie on his way to the BBC studios for the Grand Final. No one really understands Oddie's motive but he claims he was simply shooting material for his latest series 'Oddie Gone Wild'.
The second series was aired in 1933 and was one by Adolph Hitler and Erin Boag who won over Bugsy Malone and Aliona Vilani.
Order of contestants elimination:
Hermione Granger and Matthew Cutler
Attila the Hun and Karen Hardy
Santa Claus and Natalie Lowe
Jack the Ripper and Flavia Caccace
Mother Theresa and Brendan Cole
Jesus Christ and Aliona Vilani
Liz Windsor and Anton du Beke
24 celebrities took part in the 1935 series
Zsa Zsa Gabor & Anton Du Beke Aileen Wuornos & Brendan Cole God & Ola Jordan Noel Edmonds & Mr Blobby Basil Brush & Aliona Vilani XXXTentacion & Janette Manrara Lil Pump & Amy Dowden Kerry Katona & Tristan MacManus Danniella Westbrook & A Bag of Drugs Jessica Rabbit & Aljaz Skorjanec Abigail Cruttenden & Johnny Depp
There have so far been infinity series and BBC bosses plan to continue this trend into the near future. It is not clear whether Bruce Forsythe will continue in his role of Presenter/Hypnotist/Prune but it is clear the audience loves him as he receives over 3 fan mails a week.
After Bruce ∞
It is rumoured that when Bruce Forsythe pops his clogs, Brendan Cole who is 2009's reigning champion will be chosen to present the show with Tess Daly. Tess refuses to work with Brendan as the self proclaimed Casanova tried to kiss her at 2008's show rap party. She is quoted in the Daily Sport as saying..."I punched him after he tried to kiss me. His breath stank of Buckfast tonic wine".
In 2001 the BBC made the unusual decision to commission a semen themed spin-off, the show was widely condemned for being much too graphic for family viewing, despite this the BBC has declared it will not cancel the show in the near future.
So far celebrities that have taken part in the series include:
- Da Queen
- Petra Schmeichel
- Leo Tolstoy
- Nelson Mandela
- Princess Diana
- Tony Montana
- Bianca "RICKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" Jackson
- Keith Wood (a close friend of Bruno)
- Bob Citnatas (a close friend of Bruce Forsyth and winner of 4 series so far)
- Ainsley Harriott (gave it a good ol' try)
- An orthopedic, wild ostrich (the best contestant to actually take part on Strictly)
Eminent psychologists, Gyles Brandreth and Delia Smith have suggested that 93.6% of the 862 million regular viewers only watch the show in order to stimulate themselves at the sight of the totally naked lady dancers pasa dobling and trotting in a foxlike way. However professional ladyboy Buddy Greco argues with these findings, but does so in the confines of his own fridge.
Since 1932 ratings for the show have increased by roughly ∞% and this is largely due to the marketing skills of PR Manager David Beckham who is responsible for advertising the series but also due to the nature of infinity. By contrast the salaries of the four judges have decreased by ∞% so that now they must pay the BBC to continue in their roles.
Many viewers have written in to the BBC complaining about the choice of Michael Jackson as a judge. Most refer to the fact that he touches little boys and a few query his ballroom dancing credentials. One incident in which Jackson complained on-camera that "there simply aren't enough male contestants under the age of fifteen in hotpants doin' that thing if you know what I mean." drew dozens of complaints. The BBC's official method for dealing with complaints is to "ignore them" and therefore nothing has been done about the issue, however BBC bosses stress that his kiddy-fiddling days are over.
In 2001 The Sun claimed Strictly Come Dancing had been fixed and that the winner had been chosen before the series had begun. Eventual winner The Queen denied she had paid Tom Cruise to let her win. Viewers ransacked her home in London and reportedly wedgied her in front of an astonished flunky.