Romance of the Three Kingdoms
Romance of the Three Kingdoms (Simplified Chinese: 爆笑三国艳义; Traditional Chinese: 爆笑三國豔義; Pinyin: Sān Guó Yǎn Yì, also known as Little Ditty 'Bout Three Kingdoms) is an accurately histor-iffic Chinese epic loosely based on the Japanese video game franchise, Dynasty Warriors, and Hollywood's Jackie Chan blockbuster, Rumble in the Bronx. This highly-unlikely tale of valor blah blah blah features the slapstick comedy of three wacky dudes who never manage to realize how frigging big China is and decide they want the whole slab of cheese for their respective selves.
In the green corner is Liu Bei, a morbidly delusional man with pendulous ear lobes who believes he is the descendant of Vishnu, the Hindu god, and wishes to restore his ancestor's fictitious kingdom of glory. In the red corner is Sun Quan, the third in a line of drop-like-flies kings that enforce strict inbreeding in their clan. Lastly, in the blue corner is Cao Cao, who had no particular noteworthy qualities. (Technically, there were four kingdoms. But no one cares about those Nanman jerks.)
Liu Bei, Sun Quan, Cow Cow, and a few other random people clash in this heroic saga in which heads fly, maidens cry, villages are pillaged, and no one asks why.
The Rocking Out of The Yellow Turbans
In the town of Bangagong, China, about 1900 years ago, three young singer/songwriters emerge and capture the hearts of a restless and opium-hungry Chinese youth. Local peasant Zhang Jza unites his brothers Zhang Bza and Zhang Lza to start The Yellow Turbans, a boy band similar to Fall Out Boy which would create an unprecedented stir in the then-young Chinese music industry. Contemporary music critic Juice Lee describes the trio as so:
|“||The Yellow Turbans are hot. They have Bza, the pretty boy, Lza, the tough one, and Jza, the ...leader. They totally break the mold of the boy band formula that has prevailed for the last 125 years, which prescribes having a rigid Confucian type with hair parted down the middle, a rigid Confucian type wearing a fez, and a rigid Confucian type with his hair parted somewhat differently every album. The Yellow Turbans have sass, panache, and most of all, zazz.||”|
Although starting with only a minor indie following, the Yellow Turban craze overtakes the nation like a rampant wave of scurvy, and is impervious to even mass administerings of Vitamin C.
In absolutely no relation to the above, one year after the debut of the Yellow Turbans' first album, an uprising led by yellow bandana-wearing rebels discontented with the tyrannical rule of the corrupt Chinese emperor begins and creates monumental chaos across the land.
Getting In There
In an attempt to suppress the rebellion, the emperor calls out for military powers across China to brutally massacre the primarily poor peasant army that threatens the utter bliss of the elite class. Answering the call are Liu Bei, Sun Jian, and a band of other faceless warlord wannabes who will sell out their people for a few bushels of rice and a goat from the emperor. After a mass deploying of troops, the rebellion is put down in time for lunch. However, amidst the hullabaloo, the emperor is frozen in carbonite by male ex-porn star Ron "The Dong" Zhuo, who then seizes power and commences orgies on a scale of which will never again be duplicated. The Dong ushers in an age of unheard-of bloodshed and poverty among the commoners, and everybody bitches about it.
Severely Truncated Summary of Approximately 500 Pages of Story
Liu Bei and his two drinking buddies roam the land in search of the hottest babes in China. Coa Coa gets a headache. The head of the Sun Clan, Sun Jian, kicks some ass, then dies of inbred genes. Sun Jian's son, Sun Ce, inherits the throne, kicks some ass, and dies of inbred genes. Sun Ce's inbred brother, Sun Quan, inherits the throne and then begins a new family tradition of doing absolutely nothing. The Dong's hired gun, Lu Bu, rips China a gaping new asshole. Noble forces write biting letters of criticism to the oppressive Dong, by which he remains unfazed. Barely-fuckable bitch gets primo boob job and distracts The Dong long enough for Lu Bu to fatally impale him in the throat with a sharpened wooden chopstick hurled from 400 feet away, the closest distance Lu Bu was allowed to stand from The Dong when holding a foreign object. Mega-horse "Silly Wed Wabbit" wins third consecutive China Derby. Liu Bei trades three top generals for the first pick of the military draft and selects reclusive hermaphrodite Zhuge Liang to serve as his strategist for a salary of six pints of Red Bull and a $3.25 signing bonus (both very lucrative at the time). Lu Bu grows tired of killing pansies so he leaves Earth to find and fight the only person in the universe capable of rivaling his strength—Bruce Lee. Cocoa then takes advantage of Lu Bu's sudden disappearance and claims that he killed Lu Bu, then proceeds to bask in the glory before a meteorite thrown down by a pissed Lu Bu lands on him, making his headache even worse. Various shit happens.
Coo Coo Beats Off and Gains Vast Expanse of Territory
In the Year of the Woolly Mammoth, wealthy oil tycoon Yuan Shao is at the height of his power, ruling over a long stretch of northern provinces which dwarf the combined mass of territory held by any other warlord. However, one day Cao Corn beats off and it all becomes his. Calico then becomes the most powerful warlord in the land.
The Battle of Chibi
In the year of the Fuzzy Bunny, Cocao Puff threatens Sun Quan that he would send an army of "unprecedented burliness" down to his southern provinces to purge China of the Sun Clan and their rampant inbreeding. Himself a silent proponent of inbreeding, Liu Bei sends rising star of the war strategy world (and hermaphrodite) Zhuge Liang to aid the genetically-inferior Sun Clan. In an elaborate strategy involving time travel and 500 donkeycart-loads of cigarettes, Zhuge Liang and Zhou Yu, captain of the Sun Clan's navy, devise a plan by which Lil' Cow Wow's soldiers would have their growth stunted in their childhood, significantly decreasing their stature by the time Cowabunga launches his attack on Sun Quan. The strategy is a success, and Cucca's three-foot-five-inch tall soldiers are annihilated by Liu Bei and Sun Quan's allied forces, whose men are the full-grown Chinese height of approximately four-feet-and-seven-inches. Adding insult to injury, veteran Sun Clan general Huang Gai invents the flamethrower and frigging torches all of Cucamonga's little boats.
As Cucumber's men writhe in agony and char to death amidst the sea of flames, Zhou Yu has the quote "Hot enough for ya?" painted in red on a cliff overlooking the site of the battle, which later inspires countless obnoxious one-liners in Hollywood films featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.
The Actual Three Kingdoms
As Zhou Yu and his men celebrate their victory with mass beer-bonging and unprotected man-sex, Liu Bei goes to his two powerful cousins to ask for the land they owne. When they refuse, Liu Bei releases a (doctored) photo to the media that shows the two having a three-way with a Filipina hooker. Amidst the scandal that follows, Liu Bei is able to take control of their land as well as the rest of western China. At last, the land is finally split into the three kingdoms that the title so enticingly refers to.
And then, the ROMANCE!
Nah, this never really happens. Pretty misleading title, actually.
AHEM! Getting back on track...
In the year of the Fat Platypus, Sun Quan surprises everyone and actually does something. Tired of his sister always complaining about having to live in a hole in the ground, Sun Quan decides to build her a house in the trendy Jing province. However, this is complicated by the fact that Liu Bei's drinking buddy Guan Yu owns Jing and has in place a strict No Bitches policy. Sun Quan then decides to take it by force and orders his general Lu Meng to kill Liu Bei's best bud. In a highly-convoluted plan involving ice cream and Skittles, Lu Meng tricks Guan Yu's men into following an ice cream truck into Inner Mongolia. He then quickly builds a sizable wall to keep them from coming back in. Lastly, Lu Meng sends Guan Yu a king-size bag of poisoned Skittles, which Guan Yu eagerly devours without question, and then drops dead. The mission is a great success for the Sun Clan, until Guan Yu (who was now a ghost) makes Lu Meng's head explode and uses his body to punch Sun Quan in the crotch, instantly making him sterile. To add insult to injury (or rather, injury to injury), the now pissed-off Liu Bei sends an army of 70 million soldiers into Wu, finding every man with the word Sun in their name, and cutting their balls off. Being a primarily inbred territory, this reduces the fertile male population of Wu to roughly a baker’s dozen.
Zhuge Gets His Groove Back
The period of persistent civil war ravages on, and famine becomes epidemic. As Chinese policy for starvation tends to lean toward "woman and children first", the female population is now decimated, leaving the remaining men to their own resources. Taking advantage of this new trend, the successor to the recently-croaked Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang, proliferates a new method of warfare that more reflects the tastes of the modern male populace: a Fashion War. Vastly outnumbered in troops, Zhuge popularizes competitive fashion modeling competitions participated in by team representatives, to replace the passé stabbing-of-each-other-in-the-guts-with-spears. Being fabulous by nature, Zhuge cleans up at most competitions, much to the chagrin of bitter rival and head fruitcake of the northern Wei Kingdom, Sima Yi. Sima Yi is bested at every turn by Zhuge, who purposely wears the same outfit as Sima at the latter’s birthday bashes, and stages what is historically considered the first-ever Pride March by sending his hottest, most flamboyant men prancing into Sima’s territory in the infamous Hot Northern Campaign Spectacular. In the end, Sima outlives Zhuge, who dies of AIDS. However, the battle is ultimately won by Zhuge, whose deathbed instructions to his men are to erect a life-size mannequin of him wearing Luis Vuiton’s new Autumn ensemble (which has not even yet revealed to the public) and to reveal it to Sima from a distance. Mortified by this sight of what he believes to be a live and unspeakably-chic Zhuge, Sima retreats to his chambers and dies of envy.
The Conclusion to the Three Kingdoms Era
Historians have yet to discover how this period of war and heroism ended, or determine who could be considered the winner of it. However, out of pure fear of him coming back to life and possibly killing his entire family with one swipe of his halberd, one prominent scholar has offered Lu Bu as the honorary Grand Champion of the Three Kingdoms Era.